I have been split from my ex now for over two years and I still feel down about it, I still wonder if I made the right decision. When will things get better?
My ex was not always the nicest guy to me and I know that objectively speaking it was the right decision to end things. He was physically rough with me on a few occasions and would frequently call me a c**t, an idiot, a bint etc in arguments. He'd tell me I'd probably never meet anyone else (so far he has been right). He'd always pressure me in to having sex when I didn't want to, there are a few times that stand out to me that were particularly horrendous and that are still upsetting to think about. He didn't really care if it hurt and sometimes I would cry afterwards. He was never very loving or affectionate in general, if I tried to hug him would just freeze. He didn't help out around the house or contribute much financially.
However, he is also funny, attractive and intelligent and certainly not awful all the time. He would take an interest in my work and listen to me when I talked about things going on in my life. We had interesting discussions and I respected his views and opinions. I felt like I had someone who was there for me consistently. It was my first serious relationship and it continued for over a decade, on and off. He was unfaithful a few times but I always took him back. I don't have a very close relationship with my family and he really was the closest person to me. I still feel like I've lost someone so important in my life and especially with the pandemic I have just felt so lonely. I worry that I threw away the only person that really cared about me. I thought at the time that I might meet someone else and that things would get better for me, more stable, less chaotic. I saw other couples that seemed happy and thought that maybe I could have that too. But now I feel so lonely and just feel this constant sadness, no joy or excitement about anything.
When I see him at handovers with DC I still feel pangs of regret and longing. I go over scenarios in my head and wonder if I could have handled them differently, made him understand how I felt, I could have worked harder to resolve the sex issue and maybe made things better between us. I can barely look at photos from DCs early years as it makes me so emotional and sentimental. I feel worse now than I did in the relationship, I feel worse about myself, more unattractive and unlovable than I ever did when I was with him.
Objectively speaking I understand that it probably wasn't a good relationship and that I was right to leave, so why do I feel this way?