To think advising someone to get therapy isn't the magical solution to everything?

[JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows]

I am a CSA survivor and I had therapy as an adult, which was a totally pointless waste of time. Nothing wrong with my therapist, she was lovely, it just wouldn't have worked with anybody, it just really didn't suit me or the kind or person I am. I have dealt with my trauma in other ways and it doesn't affect my day to day life.

I'm really quite sick of advice for every other problem being "you need to get therapy" as if it's some magical cure for everything wrong within a person. Not to mention, it's hard as fuck to access - it's a postcode lottery on wether it's even available on the NHS (and when it is there's usually a waiting list) and private therapy is around £45 per hour where I live. And with an ever worsening MH crisis in this country, many people simply cannot afford to wait months and months to access therapy before they completely break down, they need help now, and it isn't always in the form of someone asking "and how do you feel about that?"

I think "access therapy" is a bit of ill thought advice and so I am imploring everyone to think a little harder before thinking this is a great suggestion.

I agree. I am sure therapy can be great; I have friends who absolutely swear by it. But I think often it's pushed as a perfect cure without enough thought about whether it's actually suitable/how good it is. I had therapy when I was a student (arranged through the university) and I remember being told it'd be a huge help. I went in imagining I'd tell the therapist was was bothering me and we'd come up with solutions together. Instead it was the kind of therapy where they sit there and refuse to talk to you - but because no one had told me that was a thing, I found it very intimidating and upsetting and ended up in tears because I thought I was doing it 'wrong'.

I'm 36 and I can still remember how upsetting that was!

@SarahAndQuack yes I had a very similar experience! I felt like I was offloading and getting very little back, and the exercises I took away were neither as useful as a chocolate fireguard. I actually found it liberating dumping my therapist and then channeled my feelings by volunteering with a local organisation that helps CSA survivors. Having someone who can relate to your experience first hand can be much better 'therapy'

I have to admit I have had several goes at therapy and it's taken me over 20 years to find someone I feel comfortable enough to talk to, I can also promise that my counsellor has never asked me how things make me feel or asked about my childhood cause she doesn't believe that works either.

I have to say however that eventually I had to pay privately as the only type of therapy I would get on the NHS would be a six week course of CBT and it just didn't work for me. Although there are elements of it I found fairly useful.

I do think that If people were able to access different therapy types and practitioners to find the best fit for them then it would help a lot more people. Unfortunately in the real world this is not possible.

I commented on a Government Facebook post a few weeks ago about how a huge amount of funding and support would be needed for mental health after this latest lockdown, but unfortunately I can't see it happening.

A recent bereavement has triggered a load of stuff to do with CSA and DV that I thought I had dealt with successfully years ago.

I can't get referred to the MH services because I "don't meet the threshold" and I can't afford to pay for therapy.

I'd at least like the chance to see if it's the solution for me, the GPs solution to my random flashbacks and (very) intrusive thoughts was to offer me beta blockers or anti-depressants.

I agree with you completely.

Like you I was abused as a child, and have tried various types of talking therapy, including specialist a CSA therapist and EMDR, some of them very skilled, all well-trained, all empathetic. I conclude that there are some things therapy can’t help. Like you, I manage it in my own way, but there have been times — pregnancy and childbirth, certain medical interventions — which have been difficult or impossible for me, and some have given me weeks of appalling flashbacks that I wish were less distressing.

@LakieLady that's awful, I'm so angry for you. I hate that dealing "well" (ie not having a complete breakdown) with trauma is seen as "ah well you're grand then".

I've had cbt on the NHS a couple of times over the years, once was group therapy (when I'd specifically said I didn't want group, so I couldn't engage with it at all, I did try) and once one to one, but I found CBT useless, all the exercises etc, I just wasn't in a place to be able to do them. All 'go for a walk every day, sing to music' and I'm unable to get out of bed, eat or shower...
I'm about to start a talking therapy, after saying CBT is no use for me. But. It's limited to 4 sessions. I've issues with anxiety, depression, sexual abuse, relationship, parenting, health, god knows what else, it's not going to even scratch the surface. I just hope I can get some advice from a professional on how and what sort of therapy I need to find privately.

@SarahAndQuack what an awful experience - I'm so sorry.

I have had two experiences of therapy, both mixed, but have left me thinking that I think if I could find the right person and approach for me, and the money to pay for it, it could be really beneficial. There is literally no-one in my life I feel I can be completely honest with - I'm sure this is not unusual.

I agree OP that therapy isn't for everyone though. It sounds like you're a resourceful and resilient person and you've found your own way to live with with your childhood experiences, as you say. Maybe others are 'stuck' in some way, and different perspective can help that. But it's definitely not a magic bullet and sometimes I think people say it to their friends or loved ones because they themselves are unwilling or unable to support them with their pain.. A friend of mine was really hurt when another friend, who she'd opened up to about her miscarriage, suggested therapy to her. Something about the way she said it made it seem like a rejection in that moment.

YANBU OP.

Obviously therapy is not a magic solution. Who has said it is?

There is more than one kind of therapy. Yours doesn't sound like an appropriate trauma therapy (CBT or counselling through IAPT ?), and clearly not the right match for your needs anyway.

Just because the therapy offered to you was shit and ineffective, doesn't mean that other trauma survivors shouldn't be encouraged to access the right kind of trauma therapy for them.

You might feel you are doing fine without, but that is your experience only.

Trauma therapy would not ordinarily be the "and how do you feel about that?" experience because that's used in counselling which is specifically advised against for trauma by NICE as it can make the trauma worse .

Therapy is one line, suggesting it doesn't stop people accessing other support alongside.

Discouraging people from accessing the correct treatments that can help them is irresponsible, especially when as you recognise trauma can have such a destructive effect. Therapy might be the one ray of hope someone is holding onto, who are you to come along and tell them it's pointless?

@LakieLady I'm so sorry, that's utterly rubbish. I've only qualified for therapy this time because the assessor went out of her way to try to find something she could fit into the criteria - in the end a bereavement, that while it made me very sad, I'm definitely not needing therapy for was the thing that tipped the balance.

I wanted to say, on intrusive thoughts / flashbacks, I was prescribed rispiridone (sp?) which I did find very helpful. Took one if the thoughts started, and it did damp them down and break the cycle I would get stuck in.

@almightybob (what a great name) - that's really kind of you.

I'm fine now but it really made me aware that people need better awareness of what therapists are actually offering, rather than just saying a blanket 'get therapy'.

No, it’s absolutely not a magic wand. Everyone is different. MH support in the U.K. is woefully inadequate, and it’s a post code lottery in relation to charity funded spaces.

When it’s so hard to get an appointment in the first place, finding the right counsellor/therapist can be impossible. I went through a few as a young adult, and it was just awful.

In my early 30s I found charity counselling changed my life, but I think it was a combination of having support at home and work, and luck that I found the right counsellor, who worked for a service that met my needs, and could offer long term support.

I wouldn’t encourage people to give up on finding a therapist, but I totally get your frustration.

I may be wrong, but I think that when MN posters recommend therapy they're not necessarily thinking of it as a magical solution to all problems. I think it can sometimes be a convenient shorthand when what you really mean is perhaps more like "there's a problem here, what you're feeling is not normal, you should take those feelings seriously, don't dismiss them".

I have had some relate counselling which was helpful but only as it validated my POV - ie counselling saw him as abusive and manipulative as we had counselling jointly and my ex was adamant he was reasonable and it was me ‘who had issues’. However my ex over played his hand and left a trail on text and emails showing his true colours. I continued on my own but I would like more therapy but I recently had 3rd hand experience of a person who was encouraged by the police and others to ‘testify’ against someone who had abused them years before. Prior to this I was in the camp of - report and try to get justice, the person was stable and had a relationship, job and owned a house etc - the recalling of the abuse as a child - triggered a full on break down. The person who abused them was not convicted and thus they didn’t feel ‘believed’ etc They ended up losing their relationship, job, health and were homeless and living on the streets. Locally we were trying to get them ‘back on their feet’ they very honestly stated that they wished they had never gone back and opened a can of worms. Two years of therapy hasn’t helped.

Therapy is not the answer but I’m hopeful that one day finding the right person will be able to help me. I want a therapist who I was relate to and talk to and to help me come up with solutions.

I agree, and I am a therapist. I think people find comfort and recovery through connecting, activity, purpose and putting themselves first. The therapeutic relationship and self discovery can help when therapist and client are a good match, and techniques can give perspective that get someone out of perpetuating cycles, but they are basic common sense really. Training more therapists and improving access to psychological therapies is no substitute for building more connected communities and individual opportunities.

For non trauma stuff counselling really can be helpful for almost everyone IMO. It’s about exploring the Self and your worth etc. Examining family patterns and recognising what you do and why etc. Is all very helpful for most people. A safe space for time to be just listened to really and accepted is often precious to people.
I understand it’s expensive and some people genuinely can’t afford it. But many people can and do spend a lot of money on things like hairdressers, beauticians, coffees, alcohol etc. So I think prioritising your mental health and well-being just requires a bit of adjustment. Studies have shown paid for therapy tends to improve engagement and therefore results... like slimming clubs. If you didn’t pay for that you wouldn’t follow the diet etc.

I agree
I've also had a friend who got much worse after bereavement "therapy".

I agree. I do also feel though that quite a lot of people have a negative view of therapy and avoid it. I think that it needs to be normalised, and the more people talk about what it is and what it involves and how it can help, the better. I think it's important for people to know that you don't have to have psychological "problems" or a diagnosis to benefit from a bit of talking therapy.

I often urge people to consider it because I think it should be mainstream, not because I think it's a cure to everything (obviously it isn't), but because I do think that in many cases it can help if people will only give it a try.

There are far too many individual and personal factors involved to say "therapy doesn't work" or "it does". There are multiple types of therapy for a start, all using slightly different theories and approaches, so the therapy needs to be matched to the person and their difficulties. Secondly, you have the interpersonal qualities of the individual therapist - it's a relationship at the end of the day so like any other relationship, you need to make a connection with that person. If there is a mismatch in personalities between therapist and client, that can cause difficulties in terms of the progress a person makes. Thirdly, the person need to be in a place where they are ready and motivated to engage with meaningful therapeutic change - not everyone is, and that's OK. But the therapist doesn't have a magic wand - they need the client to meet them half way and work together.

It follows that, if a person can access the right type of therapy for them, at the right time in their life (ie when they are completely ready to address the difficulties they want to address), and they click with their therapist in terms of forming a positive reciprocal relationship - therapy can be life changing.

I do think it can be helpful, but there ought to be more done about public awareness of different types of therapy and their benefits for different conditions; it's certainly not a case of one size fits all. I also think that private therapy is probably the way forward as, as you say, NHS provision is patchy (though a friend of mine recently got referred and seen via an NHS therapist through video link pretty quickly, so it seems to be getting better in some places).

We need to look into making therapy more accessible and affordable as a country, but I think the suggestion of seeking therapy is worth something if you can afford the payments privately or are in an area where provision is better. Last time I went it was £30 an hour and I only did a few sessions but did come away with peace of mind I couldn't remember having had before.

@Muskox

I may be wrong, but I think that when MN posters recommend therapy they're not necessarily thinking of it as a magical solution to all problems. I think it can sometimes be a convenient shorthand when what you really mean is perhaps more like "there's a problem here, what you're feeling is not normal, you should take those feelings seriously, don't dismiss them".

I don't think you're wrong. I agree with you and believe most people have the commonsense to realise that a) there are many different typesof therapyand b) some people will get on with some therapies and some won't. I don't think anyone believes "therapy" is a cure-all.

I think it depends on the situation and the experience of the person giving that advice. I have had CBT and found it life changing. I have had therapy four times on the NHS and never waited more then six weeks.

I have however had my mil tell me I deserved my abuse in childhood. So in my experience I need to know the person asking how I feel isnt going to be a judgemental arsehole who wants to hurt me.

I'm waiting to start hopefully my last therapy where I can talk about my abuse as I had to get past unpacking if I did in fact deserve to be beaten as a infant as my mil said. The only way I could unpick that was thinking what mil would say if I hit my 4 year kid. She would never say they deserved it as she loves them and hates me.

For other reasons I have gone NC with mil after 35 years. Partly because therapy has told me I dont need to continue with harmful situations just because I always have in the past.

I'm sure you dont need therapy if your not surrounded with arseholes who see you as a emotional punch bag. Or your friend love bring your emotional dumping ground

I think from my own experience that saying therapy ‘works’ or doesn’t is maybe the wrong expectation. For me it helped. It allowed me to speak freely and for as long as I wanted to about the subject that was filling my head without fear of being boring or self obsessed.

What did ‘work’ to a good extent was EMDR which was a measurable outcome because I was suffering from terrible nightmares and they improved.

When I decided I had had enough for the time being my DH, who is quite unlikely to ever seek counselling or therapy himself, was very quick to say, well you can always go back, so I’m guessing it made me easier to live with.