To let how he acted bother me after 2 nearly 3 years

[Worthless90s]

I don’t know if I am being unreasonable or not but I am prepared to be told to let it go. My DP and I got into an argument last night because we were watching some rubbish telly just before bed and in scene the lad is going on holiday to place with lots of strip clubs.. DP turned to me and said I’d never go in a place like that when I’m with someone, so I said what you’d never ogle at another women or anything because you are with me? He answered no of course he wouldn’t and for some reason I just decided to show him how wrong his answer was.

I brought up the fact that after our DD he told me (I asked him tbh) that he occasionally watched porn & I told him that I hated that and I didn’t feel uncomfortable with him doing that. He told me the last time he had watched it was when I was pregnant and that he’d never do it again.

Cue last night I brought up this and I said so it’s not like you’d never do it and stop acting so holier than thou! The argument has gone onto this morning and he’s dropped himself right in by saying that he stopped because I told him I didn’t like it! Not because he felt he got enough attention from me or was in a loving committed relationship or anything. I said I would quit whilst you are ahead because you only stopped because it bothered me.

I suffered with gallstones and I had gallbladder surgery after our DD was born so it hurts to know that whilst I was going through that he was watching porn. AIBU to let it bother me nearly 3 years on?

This just doesn't sound healthy. It's hard to say who's unreasonable.

You don't have to put up with a man who watches porn, but at the same time, you sit there together watching shite on tv and then kind of picking a fight with him. Although I get that it was because he claimed never to do something which he had done and that hurt you a lot.

I think you have to decide if you believe him that he doesn't do it any more. If you can live with it, move on.

If you do decide that his 'word' that he's not doing it any more is enough for you then tell him that you have decided not to rake it up and to move forward trusting he wont do something that he knows hurts you.

But if he acts like it's a massive sacrifice and that you're not worth it, ie, I'm missing porn for you! then that is a shit way to be treated.

It should be worth it ???

If you just don't trust him not to do it again and if you don't feel that he values you and if you feel that he is just making you feel bad about his huge sacrifice to forego porn, then there really is only one solution here - split up.

I think your fight started because you think he wants a medal for not watching porn any more.

But maybe maybe he just wants that acknowledged.

He used to do something that hurt you and he has stopped now.

If you trust him, if you believe him, it wouldn't hurt the relationship to say you know I do acknowledge that you stopped doing something that you enjoyed because it hurts me.

Although maybe I'm a door mat. I can't tell sometimes. Porn is a turn off for me. I have zero attraction to a man wanking away to porn. It would just kill it for me. Stone dead.

The argument has gone onto this morning and he’s dropped himself right in by saying that he stopped because I told him I didn’t like it! Not because he felt he got enough attention from me or was in a loving committed relationship or anything.

Not everyone watches porn because they feel they don't get enough attention from their partner. Equally not everyone watches porn because they're not in a loving, committed relationship.

However, he's stopped watching it because he knows it bothers you. If he didn't feel he was in a loving, committed relationship then then why would he do that?

I think you picked an argument because you're trying to control his thoughts and that's impossible.

Actions speak louder than words and he's taken action for you. That should be good enough.

I believe he has stopped.. but to know he did it when I was pregnant and I was struggling (The pregnancy was awful) I had gallstone attacks from 4 months onwards and I lost 3 stone and I had to have an emergency c section.. and then to find out that he watched porn.

He always from day one sold himself as a totally honest guy who would never even look at another woman.

I think you are right in the comments.. He wants it acknowledged that he stopped because I hated it so much.. no I want him to have stopped because he didn’t need it or want it

I think what you meant to say was

and for some reason I decided to pick an argument

YABU

In all honesty I’d let it go as I think it’s not really worth causing an argument about. However I do get where you’re coming from in that he’s acting holier than though when he doesn’t have much of a leg to stand on.
I think you’re expecting a bit much of him though to want him to have stopped because he didn’t want it or need it. I think it’s wrapped up in the difficult pregnancy you had but on quite a basic level just because you were having a bad time and I would assume had no interest in sex it doesn’t mean that he automatically didn’t. Sex and masturbation are two different things; one is about a relationship with another person and one is about yourself. It’s ok to have both and it’s no reflection on the person you’re in a relationship with to do both.

You are bonkers and very very very unreasonable.
You had a shitty pregnancy, he was there for you, so what if he watched some porn. People have needs, people satisfy those needs by watching porn. Not everyone is OK with porn, but it's safe to assume he didn't know your feelings on the topic at the time. You told him you don't like him watching porn, he stopped doing it. Would he be allowed to have a wank if he thinks of you while doing it or is that not allowed either?

He stopped because he loved you though surely? Maybe he didn’t even realise you didn’t like it until you told him so, and when he realised he stopped. It really is a bit much to throw it back at him after three years, I’m wondering if there’s something else going on with you or the relationship. Do you feel loved and cared for in general?

I went through the complete he'll of gallstones after the birth of my eldest. I waited a year for diagnosis and surgery all in. My ex was fairly committed to ignoring my sleepless nights of pain; going out with his friends and long nights of porn. But he never stopped. If he can change then that's a good thing ... It's infuriating when someone behaves as though "They would never" a bit like so called ex smokers; drinkers etc.

Infuriating but if he's changed then I think it's a good thing!

Are you still reeling from lonely nights of pain? I still get moments where I remember how terrified I was (and it was 15 years ago)?

You sound hard work: YABVU.
He stopped (so he says), why does it matter why? Can’t believe you’re having a go at him over this.

You sound controlling and hard work.

You can't control his thoughts. He stopped because you wanted him to. The end. Stop picking fights with your bloke because you can't control what goes on in his brain.

Say to him that you feel vulnerable or felt vulnerable and tell him that you acknowledge that he has stopped and you're very glad about that because you love him (if you do!?).

It might be awkward but SAY it. Otherwise, he might end up feeling well if it's not even acknowledged that I've stopped then I might as well start again!

So do acknowledge that he stopped doing something he wanted to do because it hurt you.

That is valuable, to you.

Isn't it better he, sorted himself out, when you were ill than being a sex pest?

He didn’t know I didn’t like it until we had a conversation one day.. he has said he stopped. I know I am being unreasonable for bringing it up right now. The thing that bothered me last night was the acting holier than thou.. that was what annoyed me.

I have apologised and said that I am sorry for bringing it up as when it originally came up, I said it hurt me and I didn’t like it and he said he wouldn’t do it again and that should have been it. He thinks I am going to leave him because my parents split from an affair and that because he watched porn I am waiting for him to do the same

He has been honest and said that he feels hurt that I have attempted to leave him more times than he has watched porn in the 5 years we’ve been together. I stopped talking to him when we first met because I wanted to sort my head out as I was still hurting from a previous relationship and he is worried that I will do it again so I have apologised that I’ve made him feel that way

I think yab a bit u op. He stopped watching porn because you asked him to. Surely the end result is the important bit, he stopped watching it as he's respected your wishes, which means he respects you.

I love riding motorbikes but I stopped when I was pregnant because my dh asked me to as he was concerned about me and the baby, I did because I respect his wishes and can see why/understand why he asked me. It didn't stop me wanting to ride my bike, and it didn't stop me enjoying it, but I stopped for him.