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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel it in my gut about this

10 replies

Nellienorah4 · 21/02/2021 08:01

Morning everyone.

I feel as though this post will come off abit silly and childish. I'm not sure whether to post it. But I'm hoping someone can help.

I'm around 5 months into a relationship/romantic link with someone. He's mid 40s and I'm 32. We said we loved eachother at christmas and that's contained to be said most days.

Our relationship is slow starting as I have children and only recently have seperated from their dad. Throw lockdown in and life is odd.

There's a women on his Facebook who's been in trouble with the law several times for theft. But she's also an ex addict. She's also been in trouble for attacking an ex lover. I know who she is but don't know her. She mixes with people who all do similar sorts of things.

I was a little surprised when she started liking things two weeks ago on his page. Purely because she has never once shown any interest in anything he's posted. She liked everything he put on over a week. So I clicked on her page. Nosey I know! Her page is fully public and I can see that he's liked a few of her things too. But also she separated from her boyfriend (also in trouble with the law alot) two weeks ago. That's when he started liking her stuff. Usually quotes about struggling with life or silly videos. But he's definitely interested in her page all of a sudden.

This morning he sent me a video she shared last night. It sounds silly but it made my stomach go funny.

He's continued to be in regular contact with me. Wednesday night he was talking about our future and how he can help me learn to drive. He seemed really focused on our future. But the last couple of days I feel as though he's been slightly quieter. Like yesterday morning was the first morning he ever went to work and didn't message me or call. He did say he was flat out but he went online a couple of times as I saw he was on Facebook messenger.

I just can't shake off this feeling that he's started talking to this women. Clearly he knows things about what she's been through as he has started getting involved in what she posts.

I don't feel insecure about any other women he talks too. But this is making me feel so uncomfortable. Apart of me is thinking I should walk away because my guts screaming at me.

What would you do? She seems to be able to get his attention everyday with some silly meme and I'm just starting to see red flags.

Please be nice.

OP posts:

MadeForThis · 21/02/2021 08:04

At 5 months I would ask him who she was to him. Hopefully you will be able to read his body language.

It could be innocent. It may not.

Is he involved in theft and drugs? Wouldn't be a friendship group I would want my DP to have.

roastpotatoesss · 21/02/2021 08:05

Your relationship is very new- and in lockdown as well, so 5 months won’t even really be the same as 5 months in normal times. How many times have you seen one another in that time?

He may well be considering other options. He may not. Your options are to ask him about it, or walk away- personally I don’t think it should be this hard this early on. If I had kids and was only recently separated from their dad I don’t know if I’d risk all this drama.

noideabutstilltrying · 21/02/2021 08:06

Listen to your gut instinct. If it's telling you to run do it.

5 months in lockdown really isn't long to know someone.

You're recently separated so enjoy some time on your own. Getting to find out what you like and know your own mind .

bloodyhairy · 21/02/2021 08:07

How did the relationship with your children's father end?
This can often have a bearing on the type of men we attract afterwards.
And why would you want another relationship so soon after?
A crazy and old-fashioned thought it may be, but how about just focusing on your kids at this time ...

Illberidingshotgun · 21/02/2021 08:10

Gut instinct is a powerful thing, trust it.

Regardless of whether he is interested in her physically/romantically, his choice of friends is clearly an issue for you, and I would suggest particularly as you have DC. Tread very carefully.

Original poster

Nellienorah4 · 21/02/2021 08:11

He has depression and used to drink heavily for 6 months. Although wasn't an alcoholic he made the decision to not drink anymore. Which he never has. So he's had struggles but he's not into drugs etc. He works full time and is sensible in that respect.

We've seen eachother but it's just limiting to what we can do.

How do I ask him about her without confessing I've been snooping?

I just worry he is sort of curious about her and is tagging me along. I don't want to be used.

It's not probably worth all this worry you are right. I'm not sure what to do. We were doing so well. Just feels like he's taken an interest in her life and I don't know how to feel about it. They both are depressed so perhaps that's drawn him to her.

But ultimately she's trouble and I can't figure out why he would want to be involved with that if he does. Before me he was with a nurse for 5 years and another career women for 10. So he's never had relationships with women into drugs and crime before.

OP posts:

AndAllOurYesterdays · 21/02/2021 08:15

I think you need to stop focusing so much on how your boyfriend is interacting with other people on social media. And when and now often he phones you. You will drive yourself insane

121hugsneeded · 21/02/2021 08:16

Next !

Time to find someone else.

Original poster

Nellienorah4 · 21/02/2021 08:19

I know. I definitely need to pull back and concentrate on my children.

We split because we became friends. We stopped having sex and didn't connect anymore. So I was ready to meet someone as i haven't been close to a man for two years properly. I didn't plan to meet this man though. he was at a friend's and we got talking.

I know it's early days still but we have gotten really close. It's just working out if I'm being paranoid or if there is something in it. I've never felt like this before. It's a ahorrible feeling.

OP posts:

Toffeecrisp7 · 21/02/2021 08:22

I would have done and felt exactly like you.
It's not a bad thing to be looking into things at this at this stage as long as it doesn't become obsessive and it doesn't affect your relationship for years to come (obviously if it's nothing)
Us women are like witches, we sense if things don't feel right and alot of the time we are right! I hope your not in this time, but it could be his attention and that either needs to stop or you need to end it. Mainly because it hurts.
I'm the same age as you with a little girl and we don't get into relationships easy, we are committed early on because we want a family life for not just us but our children.
In my past experience, some men do like to keep their options open for as long as they can. It's sometimes down to their insecurities, and if your a strong independent woman, he may have found that attractive In the start but it's also a little intimidating. My partner now, started off a bit like this, and I became a little hurt and obsessed with his behaviours. When I confronted him, it caused rows and I do remember alot of talk about how I was crazy. But a year on, he's grateful I kept him on the right path, because he now has me and he's happy and it all stopped.
Boundaries are so important in a relationship and I won't ever be afraid to set the bar high again. Your self worth is a big part of this. Don't doubt yourself girl you deserve the best!

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