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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Lost perspective - AIBU?

24 replies

pippiphooray1 · 21/02/2021 00:04

Genuinely not sure of the correct course of action here.

I have a friend, let's call him Tom. Tom has fallen on hard times, both personally and financially. During lockdown 1, he was on furlough, and I helped him out with some extra cash. I was working at the time, so it was no bother.

He went back to work in the summer and then suddenly quit his job. I encouraged him at the time to apply for UC, but he was very hesitant. Eventually he decided to apply, but by that time was in rent arrears. I had left y job by that stage, and said I couldn't help him out as I was no longer earning.

In October, I got a text late one evening to say he would have to move into his car the next day if I couldn't lend him the money. He assured me that he would pay me back on x date when he received his payment as he was expecting back pay. Reluctantly, I sent him the money straight away, only because he said he would pay me back in a few weeks.

X day comes and goes. Radio silence. So I left it a week and messages asking fo he could send it to me. He said he was really sorry, that the back pay never materialised and he'd been trying to find the money from other friends to pay me back.

I was annoyed, but it wasn't overly critical at that point. I explained that I had divided my money into quarters to afford my time off, so would really need it by the start of March as that's when my next quarter fell.

I messaged him today asking if he was still on course to pay me back at the end of the month. He said he couldn't as he had money coming to him in April. He said he told me that at the time. He did not. Since that one text, I have heard nothing.

I am truly torn as to whether I should push the issue. I don't know if I should, or just leave it and hope it comes in April.

Open to any suggestions!

OP posts:
MNerGoneRogueAgain · 21/02/2021 00:07

I think it is unlikely you'll see the money again. I'm sorry.
1 0?
2 00s?
3 000s?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/02/2021 00:09

The friendship is dead. Regardless of his financial issues, he’s treating you poorly. You shouldn’t need to have to chase him.

Akire · 21/02/2021 00:15

Sounds like he put a lot of emotional pressure on you to cough up before the car moving day. Yet now he he’s been asking around lots of other friends to help? Alarm
Bells I’m sorry. He should have had his back money sorted he should have been able to give you some if not the totally amount.

I would try and ask for 1/4 or 1/3 by certain date and see if he hands it over. Rather than the whole amount. You may get one payment out of him or he may keep stringing you along.

Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a · 21/02/2021 00:20

Why would you even think this was a good idea? He voluntarily left his job. How was he ever going to pay you back? Dis he pay you back the money you have him in the first lockdown?

Of course you push the issue. Physically go round to his house as frequently as you can.

What do you mean by friend?

SeasonFinale · 21/02/2021 00:23

Sorry but the age old adage of only lend what you can afford never to get back is true. Sorry your so called friend has stitched you up but you will.need to work on the basis that anything you get out of him now is a bonus.

Babyroobs · 21/02/2021 00:44

Uc is never backdated, not sure why he would think it was. Why have you both given up jobs at such a precarious time when jobs are hard to come by ?

SummerWhisper · 21/02/2021 00:53

He has taken you for a mug. Really sorry that you lost your money. Block him so that you are never in that situation again. I hope you can manage without the money that you lent him. What a thief he is.

ThePants999 · 21/02/2021 00:59

Tell him he'll need to lend you his car for you to sleep in if he doesn't get you the money...

typicalvalues · 21/02/2021 01:00

Unfortunately Uc doesn''t pay you AT ALL for the first few weeks and then you get one month's pay in arrears - I was 9 weeks until my first payment and then it was simply a month's worth to last me for the next month. I would say that he simply has not got the money to pay you back I'm sure that he had every intention of paying you back. Maybe ask him to pay you back 100 a month?

SqeakyHindge · 21/02/2021 01:02

Keep chasing the money but know that you may not get it.

As for the friend - they lose your respect and trust.

pippiphooray1 · 21/02/2021 01:03

I could afford to give up my job - that's not an issue. The job I do has complicated side issues that I currently can't get around.

Rather depressing to think I'll not get any back..

No, he's not paid any back. I've always been a grafter, and in the 4 years I've known him, he hasn't got his shit together. I have no idea how UC works, so didn't know it wasn't backdated. And now that I think about it, I don't know why he didn't pay me back out of his initial payment...

To clear up the implication - I'm not paying him to keep him in my life, I was helping a friend as my situation allowed it initially

OP posts:
pippiphooray1 · 21/02/2021 01:04

Appreciate the replies... thank you for taking the time to post

OP posts:
SqeakyHindge · 21/02/2021 01:14

@pippiphooray1 remember you don’t have to justify why you need money back. It’s your money.

It’s true what they say
Never borrow what can’t pay back and never lend what you can’t afford to lose

RavingAnnie · 21/02/2021 01:25

It's also very unlikely that he would have to move out and be living in a car in that timescale. It's takes months and months to evict someone (unless he's a lodger) especially at the moment as notice periods have been extended. So that sounds like he bullshitted you. Doesn't sound like much of a friend.

SheilaWilcox · 21/02/2021 01:44

He either has no intention of giving you the money back, or is so shit with money her can't. Either way, consider it written off but keep asking as anything you get back is a bonus.

IsThisNews · 21/02/2021 10:07

Ask for a chat and ask him to be honest with you. Does he realistically expect to be able to pay you back in April or is that unachievable? Can he pay you some of it back? If he isn't working, it seems unlikely he can pay, but if he knows this, he should be sitting down and looking at his finances and making a proper budget rather than borrowing off other people and getting further in debt. If he doesn't have money, is there anything else he can give or do for you towards repaying? Eg walk your mum's dog, mow your grandma's lawn, clean your car, paint you a picture etc.?

MrsMoastyToasty · 21/02/2021 10:13

I think that you need to tell him you are taking him to the small claims court if he doesn't repay in full by the end of the month.

Theunamedcat · 21/02/2021 10:20

Is it enough for a small claim? You have it via text when he promises to pay you back

Brefugee · 21/02/2021 11:06

Small claims court?

Write and tell him you have to move into your car if he doesn't pay you back?

pippiphooray1 · 21/02/2021 11:35

yes, I have the text messages saying that he will pay me back. As a PP said, I suspect he genuinely hasn't got the money. He tells me he is getting a pension payout in April, hence being bale to p[ay me back then.

I am Hmm because he sent me one message and nothing since

OP posts:
mamas12 · 21/02/2021 11:48

Hmmm I would still text him back or even phone him if you Can Stand it And keep repeating that you need that money by March
Hey I need my money back by March
It’s March in two weeks that’s when I need my money back
And so on stop being too nice about it is his problem to solve if he says he goes into debt to pay you back do t believe I’m afraid he is a liar so jyst day sorry about that but you need your money back by March

Motnight · 21/02/2021 11:53

I thought that if you left your job voluntarily you didn't qualify for UC for some weeks?

Good luck on getting your money back, Op.

pippiphooray1 · 21/02/2021 13:58

Thanks for the messages. Seems IANU to push the issue. I'll see if today brings anything

OP posts:
bloodyhairy · 21/02/2021 15:35

What an absolute bastard he is. Sorry this has happened, OP. You sound lovely and he has taken advantage completely Thanks
Shame the useless tosser couldn't sell the car he claimed he was going to have to sleep in Hmm

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