To ask, if you've split from DC dad?

[Dundundunnn]

Can you please take me through the process from deciding you wanted to split, to actually being officially split up.
I have come to the decision to end things but I feel there are so so many obstacles and the feelings of being overwhelmed are causing me to stall. Some of my main worries / concerns are -

• he won't be happy about it, so worry about the atmosphere in the house before we can physically seperate.
• we have 2 young children, and I'm worried about how it will affect them.
• we don't have enough bedrooms to live separately for now (unless one of us slept on the sofa)
• how long would it take to sell the house and what would happen in that time? Would we have to totally avoid each other in the house / when looking after the kids?
• neither can afford to buy the other out, so massive worries about affording a new home or rent and the affect on the children etc.
• no idea how long the whole process would take and how fractious things would be between now and then.

I know the short answer is to just get on with it, but if anyone could advise on how they dealt with any of the above issues when going through a break up with children I'd really really appreciate it.
And how long did it take to actually being set up on your own from deciding to split

It took about 7 months in total but we had a spare room. He moved out eventually and continued to pay the mortgage while I paid the rest of the bills. The actual divorce took just over 20 weeks, there was no option but to sell the house so I had to rent for a year with the DC, I then saved up enough to buy my current house. In terms of how things will be it depends on how civil you can be during the process, my ex was a twat so it was very stressful for me and the DC. They don’t really have much of a relationship with him now but the stress was worth going through to get to where I am now if that makes sense. Good luck with it all.

Thanks so much for your reply @Baws
Do you mind me asking how old your children were at the time?
Did you pretty much just ignore each other till he moved out? I struggle so much with negative environments and energy, do you have any advice on how to not let it impact you or the kids too much? Thanks again x

@Dundundunnn
They were 14 and 15 and unfortunately at that age they were very aware of what was going on. I tried my best to ignore him until he moved out but it was difficult. Weekdays weren’t too bad because I was at work but weekends were awful but then he liked nothing better than to pick a fight over nothing. I used to spend most weekends staying with friends and family to get away. I appreciate that this is more difficult at the moment. I’m sure you can form a bubble in this situation though. I think keeping as busy as you can, keeping life as normal as possible for the DC and avoiding any conflict is the best advice I can give, it’s not always easy though! Stay focused on the long term aim of being in a better situation.

My situation was different in that our relationship was rocky and I had thought about separating but then he started an affair and moved out. It was like ripping off a plaster and now, after 4 years to look back, it actually went well. I'm glad we didn't spend years thinking about it and trying to work it out because we are all doing well now. My kids were 5 and 1 so we just told them - daddy's moving out - and then 2 weeks later he did. He slept on the sofa for a bit - I went on a planned holiday with a mate for a few days. The worst days were when we were all in the house trying to just exist in the same space for the sake of the kids but thankfully they were few. I recommend not trying to live under the same roof for any length of time. Financially you just have to do what works, and is the least disruptive. Try and keep the kids in the same schools if poss and keep up play dates and grandparent contact on both sides if you can. I was lucky that I could buy my ex out so I have my own mortgage now and the kids haven't had to move. It feels like I've cut off an abscess and my life is what it should have been like all along.

Mine took 4 years but I think that's unusual. Decided to separate in the August, I bunked in with ds. I moved out with the kids into rented in the April. He was then an absolute arsehole about everything - finances, child contact, selling the house, disputing the divorce, I eventually forced a sale through court but it took 3 years to do.

Hardest thing I ever did, and yes I had the same fears as you op. Some of those worries did happen, most did not, but I have absolutely zero regrets now.

It took 7 months from decision to moving. My dc were very little. I either slept on the sofa or in with one of the dc. It was really really hard - it was tense in the house and the atmosphere was pretty horrible. But we didn't really have a choice and looking back I would do the same again. We sold the house and luckily had enough equity for both of us to buy somewhere else. That was 10 years ago now, life is calm now, and the dc seem fairly well adjusted and get on well with us both. When I was little my parents "stayed together for the sake of the children" which meant years and years of a bad atmosphere. I understand why they did it, but it meant quite a dysfunctional and unhappy upbringing for me and my db.