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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Deleting someone on fb

70 replies

littlemiss3 · 20/02/2021 11:57

NC as could be quite outing.

Let me start by saying I know how trivial and petty this is but it's put me in an awkward position!

I have a group of friends that I met when pregnant with my first. We've developed really good friendships and keep in touch often as our dcs are the same age and enjoy playing together. We've done a lot of family days out as well so we are all on friendly terms with each other's DH's as well.

Recently my Dh went on Facebook and realised one of the women had deleted him. He's taken great offence to this (he can be quite sensitive to this type of thing) as he has always made an effort with them and never been rude or anything to her.

To be completely honest with the situation DH can sometimes be a bit of a nightmare on Facebook, he hardly ever posts on his own wall or anything but is a nightmare for posting on football pages and can often use awful language and this will sometimes show up on my news feed so I'm guessing it shows up on his other friends too.

Now I feel like I'm in a bit of an awkward situation, I think by deleting somebody on Facebook these days you are clearly making a point that you don't like them. Surely it would have been easier to just unfollow him or change your settings so you don't see his posts? Now he says he doesn't want to meet up with them again (when we can!) because she's made it very clear what she thinks. What should I do? Ignore it and just not take husband with me when we have meet ups? Or say something and risk falling out?

OP posts:

Sparklesocks · 20/02/2021 16:37

I think it’s a bit embarrassing for adults to carry on like this in all honesty. People can have whoever they like on social media, they might regularly cull those they don’t regularly interact with (and maybe the pandemic has impacted that) and prefer to keep their info only shared with small circles. If one of your closest friends removes you then yes that’s a bit odd, but for anyone else then it really shouldn’t cause so much upset.

It’s not a personal dig at anyone.

Boxtroll · 20/02/2021 16:40

I think if it has offended him so much then he needs to be the one to ask her why she removed him.

If I were you, I would just keep her on there. It's all very silly

sonjadog · 20/02/2021 16:42

I think one of the problems with facebook is that people use it very differently. Some are hugely invested in it and it is an important part of their social life, some people only use it for certain groups, and lots of people somewhere in between. Because of this I think it is best not to get too hung up on what happens there.

happytoday73 · 20/02/2021 16:52

For many people Facebook is a way of keeping in touch... If your DH doesn't really post on his wall... What's the use in staying friends on Facebook? ... So they can see his football rants they have no interest in???
You are seriously over reacting...

sixthtimelucky · 20/02/2021 16:57

I'm a bit depressed for you that you have the kind of husband that makes this kind of thing your problem.

If he can't just manage this himself (in his head I mean) can you just say 'People cull their FB friends all the time if they don't chat to them or have much in common'.

Hadjab · 20/02/2021 16:57

I just think it is very childish. In this day and age social media does account for a lot. Especially when you aren't able to get out and see people. I can't stand her husband but wouldn't delete him as I think it is rude and looks petty

Actually, if you’re not making a living from it, and even then, social media accounts for fuck all - it’s an empty, vapid spectacle, designed for attention seekers and data miners, so maybe stop giving it importance in your life 🤷🏼‍♀️

ChristOnAPeloton · 20/02/2021 17:04

I would (and have) deleted people from my FB if they don’t find me or my posts interesting enough to comment on.

Why would I want them to keep on having access to my private life? People who like to read and don’t comment are like earwiggers.

The football posts would just be another irritation on top of the earwigging.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 20/02/2021 17:07

@StillCoughingandLaughing

I’m with you, OP. Unless you’ve actively fallen out with someone or they’ve been beyond the pale offensive, deleting someone when you could just as easily press ‘unfollow’ is only ever done to make a point. The point usually being to either create a bit of drama, or to demonstrate that they’re so incredibly popular and busy that they just don’t have the time to scroll past a status update if they’re not interested. This friend must know your husband will spot it - so why has she chosen to delete instead of unfollow?

I don’t understand some of the comments on this thread like ‘I delete people if they don’t update their status very often’. If they don’t post, they can’t be offending you or clogging up your news feed, can they? It’s not like Facebook limits the number of friends you can have or charges a fee per friend.

An old friend deleted me for years ago for no apparent reason. I can’t say it affected my life in any real way - but, when she turned out to be the surprise guest at a uni reunion a few years later, I had to sit through a performance of ‘OMG, Cough! It’s been years! Where are you living, what do you do, who are you shagging?’ etc. - all the while knowing she didn’t give a shit. To avoid upsetting the organiser, I in turn had to enthusiastically ask about this woman’s life, her kids etc., when frankly I knew very well she didn’t even care enough about me to scroll past the odd update.

I find it ironic how many of them people telling the OP and her husband to grow up and that social media doesn’t matter are the same people who regularly go through their friend lists to ‘cull’ people. If it’s not that important, why are you making a point of doing it?

Agree with this post! And are people really that offended over a few f bombs on a footy post?! Unless there is more to it than that...

Fair enough unfollow or mute but unfriending someone you still plan to see on a regular(ish) basis is making a statement IMO.

Toorapid · 20/02/2021 17:08

Even the football groups I'm in don't allow swearing. I wouldn't want him in my feed either.

If he's so upset about it, the grown up thing would be to talk to her about it.

Babyroobs · 20/02/2021 17:10

It hurts when someone deletes me ! My eldest son's ex gf's mum has done this recently and I feel that just because our children broke up, it shouldn't affect our friendship, I see her out and about occasionally and we still chat and are friendly. I only tend to delete people for a number of reasons - they use racist, or homophobic language or they just continually post pictures of animal abuse because I just can't cope with it coming up when I'm unprepared to see it. There's no excuse for deleting people, you can just hide them anyway.

B33Fr33 · 20/02/2021 17:11

I usually delete people who I don't interact with on SM. What's the point? I think your husband is being very immature to ace weight on the meaning of some.eone using SM differently to him.

ScrapThatThen · 20/02/2021 17:11

It doesn't mean she doesn't like him, she just doesn't like him on Facebook. Gosh I only comment on private groups, my poor Facebook friends do not need to be subjected to embroidery chat. Tell him his Facebook etiquette is off, not hers.

Toorapid · 20/02/2021 17:12

I didn't realise I was committing a faux pa by not commenting on much.

Mittens030869 · 20/02/2021 17:18

I’d unfollow your DH rather than delete him in your friend’s shoes, but she’s allowed to friend or unfriend who she wishes on Facebook.

JosephineBaker · 20/02/2021 17:19

I can't believe he'd care. What is he, 16?

I occasionally realise I've been unfriended by people and I occasionally go through my friends list and unfriend people I've lost touch with or don't interact with any more. The assistant coach of DC's year 4 rugby team, for example (DC is 19).

It's very petty and childish to get caught up in this sort of nonsense. She's not interested in the stuff he posted. So what? It doesn't mean she hates him. He needs a sense of perspective.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/02/2021 17:27

@happytoday73

I don’t understand the whole ‘What’s the use, what’s the point’ argument. It implies leaving someone on your friends list when they don’t post very often requires some effort or action from you. It doesn’t. Okay, if they don’t post very often, you don’t hear or learn much about them; but if you delete them, you are guaranteed to hear nothing. Why does it offend so to have someone on your Facebook who only posts occasionally?

saraclara · 20/02/2021 17:36

@Babyroobs

I'd do that. Why would she want to see your posts about your son and his new GF (assuming he has/gets one)?

People delete or snooze friends for a variety of reasons, and not necessarily the same reasons that their friends might have.

sonjadog · 20/02/2021 17:48

"I would (and have) deleted people from my FB if they don’t find me or my posts interesting enough to comment on."

Why do you think that they don't find your posts interesting? Maybe it is that they aren't that fussed about Facebook, or have other stuff going on that is their primary focus day to day? Facebook doesn't show everything people post either, so even if they are keen on Facebook communication, then maybe they aren't actually seeing your stuff?

MissMarpleDarling · 20/02/2021 18:26

Forget it and leave your man child at home next time you meet your friends. No wonder she deleted him he sounds really annoying.

ChristOnAPeloton · 20/02/2021 19:03

“
"I would (and have) deleted people from my FB if they don’t find me or my posts interesting enough to comment on."

Maybe not.

Either way, if they’re not seeing my posts or checking in to FB generally- then it shouldn’t be any skin off their nose if I delete them.

Complaining because you’ve been deleted by someone you don’t interact with is just silly.

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