Dp - history repeating itself?

[StormsDontLastForever]

Bit of background here, been with dp for years, have dc together. In the past when younger dp has history of messaging other girls quite a lot, while we were in a relationship. Last time about 5 years ago we split up after it as I had enough.

Fast forward to now, things are good between us. He shows me a TikTok video on his phone and accidentally clicks the notifications, for me to see he is commenting on girls tik toks "mmmm look at u 😍😍" and many others.

Now this isn't anyone famous etc, this is a normal girl. I feel like history is repeating itself again and although in the grand scheme of things it's not cheating or that bad but I feel totally disrespected AGAIN. I feel like I am not good enough, I'm not a size 8 but I have a heart of gold!!!

Aibu to have voiced my opinion about this? & told him I don't know if I can do "us anymore?"

YABU - majorly over reacting

YANBU - I would do the same

Yanbu

How old is he and how old are the 'girls'

YANBU. That would be game over for me. Respectful, decent people don't send messages like that when they're in a relationship.

YANBU - especially as this is an issue that has caused you to separate before.

@LagneyandCasey sorry I still refer to myself as a girl 😂 the women are ages with him. He s in his 30's

Game over. And I wouldn't have got back with him either. Men like that rarely change. You deserve better.

How can you ever trust him again?!

Yanbu

Of course you’re not being unreasonable in being upset. But why are you continuing to put up with this? He’d be gone if I were you. No way I’d allow him to disrespect me like this.

YANBU sounds like a snake beginning with L I know.

Nope, not ok. Definitely not bu. What happens if one of these women reply to him?? What will he do then?? I would be having a serious conversation with him. How would he feel if found out you’d been sending these messages to other men on there? I don’t even think you should equate your size to it because no matter your size this is nothing about you and your figure, personality etc it’s about his inability to not message other women because that’s his choice to do. X

He sounds like a dirty old sleaze. You deserve more respect than that.

What's his goal with leaving these comments? Does he think these women will be charmed by him somehow? If he claims to have no intention of speaking to them then why comment at all, can't he just think "they look nice" then carry on with his life?

On the off chance that one of these women don't think "urgh, gross old perv" and message him, what will he do then?

I'd suggest you'd be better off on your own than with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself.

Yanbu
My stomach turned a bit when I read that.

He sounds awful and a bit creepy. I think it’s very disrespectful but also the sleezy side would put me off totally. YADNU! I hope you’re ok.

Big red flag, YANBU

Gross, he sounds like a total sleaze.

Yanbu

Game over here too - he doesn't need to do it so why?

I'd walk to be honest.

Couldn't get over that level of sleaze and the lack of trust and respect.

Also do you want your DC growing up to think this is normal?

What's the point of being in a relationship with someone like this?

I’m sorry you are experiencing this again OP. Hope you are doing ok.

For me as well as the disrespect of messaging other women, I would be very unhappy at how sleepy it is to message stuff like this to people. Really grim. So YANBU.

Hi all, thank you for your replies. He's saying I'm taking it too far, it's something daft he commented on and he's truly sorry.

I feel like I can't live without him, the thought of him leaving turns my stomach! But also the thought of him doing this to me again turns my stomach. I wish my mental health wasn't in such a bad place just now, if this had been a year ago his bags would have been packed straight away!

Not saying I'm not ending it, just need some time to process my own thoughts

I feel like I can't live without him, the thought of him leaving turns my stomach! But also the thought of him doing this to me again turns my stomach. I wish my mental health wasn't in such a bad place just now, if this had been a year ago his bags would have been packed straight away!

OP I suspect you would find that your mental health would improve radically if you packed his bags. It's often the case in these situations that the philandering, gaslighting partner is the main cause of the mental health issue.

I know its not always as simple as just leaving, but I have seen so many of these threads where a partner's gaslighting makes someone question their sanity. They often find their mental health improves radically when he's not around.

Of course you can live without him, by the way. I would put money on your being able to live much better without him.

He thinks you're taking it too far, in that case start flirting with other men and see how he feels about it, if he complains tell him he's taking it too far
I can't live without him
he knows this and that's why he feels he can take the piss with impunity, he knows exactly what he's doing and he has calculated exactly what he thinks he can get away with

And yes he understands that having you always mentally off balance is to his advantage and gives him more control over you, he is strongly incentivised to do things which negatively impact your mental health
The worse you feel the more powerful he feels.... You see where this is going?

Take it from someone who has been there and got the t shirt, he won't change. This is what he likes to do. He won't stop because he doesn't think it's wrong, he thinks you are wrong for spoiling his fun.