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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH shouldn't speak to friend anymore

27 replies

Eclairthesnail · 19/02/2021 21:35

DH had a friend that he met through dropping 6 month old DD off at nursery a few times a week. He knew this person first and then I met them and we became friends too.

This friend started asking for a lot of favours from me, many of which I had to juggle around work, etc for but I didn't mind at the time as I like to be helpful and she needed the help.

After a while, she got back on her feet and didn't need my help anymore. What's sad though is that I realise that for her it was a friendship of convenience. She used me, she used us, and now barely makes the effort to speak to me. Blush

I haven't outright said that DH shouldn't be friends with her anymore because of this but in reality, if I found out he was continuing the friendship I would be really hurt. AIBU?

OP posts:
HilaryBriss · 19/02/2021 21:55

You haven't enabled voting but yes, YABU.

RubysArms · 19/02/2021 21:58

YANBU

SaltyTootsieToes · 19/02/2021 22:03

YANBU

Talk to your DH, tell him how this person has hurt you with her behaviour. If he is your supporter, he’d not want to be friends with someone who uses you snd hurts your feelings

TheChip · 19/02/2021 22:07

If she still makes an effort to speak to DH then yabu.
You might find her behaviour unacceptable, but your dh might not mind. If you want to cut her off then fine but don't expect your dh to make the same decision.

Is it not just a case of her not needing help anymore so not contacting you as much as she was?

Coyoacan · 20/02/2021 00:22

I don't know that I agree that your dh should only have friends that you approve of.

WorraLiberty · 20/02/2021 00:37

Did she use 'you' or you and your husband?

You say she barely makes the effort to speak to 'you' but you don't mention him?

Either way, hell would freeze over before I allowed my husband to tell me who I can and can't speak to.

Leeds2 · 20/02/2021 01:02

Is DH still helping this woman? In what ways is he still being friends with her?

Northernparent68 · 20/02/2021 01:24

@WorraLiberty

Did she use 'you' or you and your husband?

You say she barely makes the effort to speak to 'you' but you don't mention him?

Either way, hell would freeze over before I allowed my husband to tell me who I can and can't speak to.

Allowed ?
Oooohbehave · 20/02/2021 01:30

If someone has treated me badly I wouldn’t tolerate DH being friends with them. If he was I’d question his loyalty.

katy1213 · 20/02/2021 01:45

It's not up to you to decree your husband's friendships. You didn't have to go falling over yourself to be useful - seems like she fulfilled some need in you to feel wanted.

Keeva2017 · 20/02/2021 02:03

I get that we can’t and shouldn’t dictate our partners friendships but surely this is a question of loyalty to our loved one?

This so called friend treated op badly and used her? I can’t imagine being friendly with someone who did that to my dp.

BoomBoomsCousin · 20/02/2021 02:04

I would expect my husband to take her treatment of me into account, but not necessarily determine that that means no more contact with her. From what you say it sounds like she was just a bit opportunistic, not actually bad towards to you. I wouldn't expect that level of treatment to warrant him no longer speaking to her. If she'd started bad mouthing you or stolen something from you or something I'd think the nothing more to do with her expectation was more reasonable.

BlueThistles · 20/02/2021 02:04

You shouldn't have to tell your Husband OP... he should see this 'friendship' for what it is... she's a User... unless he's getting way more out of this than he's admitting 🌺

Pyewhacket · 20/02/2021 02:20

Surely he’s free to chose his own friends. Sounds a bit controlling to me.

BlueThistles · 20/02/2021 02:28

@Pyewhacket

Surely he’s free to chose his own friends. Sounds a bit controlling to me.
or maybe he should consider that friend has been using his Missus and see that as an insult to his family?
Sassysally12 · 20/02/2021 02:36

I get you want abit of loyalty but if it’s just a hello on the school run then come on, he’s not about to make the drop off awkward e everyday because your saying he can’t say hi.. if it’s full friendship you mean, then no obviously he should back you

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/02/2021 02:41

This friend started asking for a lot of favours from me, many of which I had to juggle around work, etc for but I didn't mind at the time as I like to be helpful and she needed the help.

You need to manage your boundaries without using your DH to manage them remotely.

If you like to help, help. If you can't be arsed, don't. Some takers are worth it because they are funny and entertaining. Some aren't. But you don't get to decide you will punish this person vicariously. Because you didn't manage them within your own relationship.

Mintjulia · 20/02/2021 02:47

Yabu.

Your dh is entitled to choose his own friends.

You admit that you like to help people and didn't mind helping out. Yet now she doesn't need so much help, and may be busy dealing with her life/issues herself, you are indignant. How is that reasonable?

justcannotwithyou · 20/02/2021 03:14

@Pyewhacket

Surely he’s free to chose his own friends. Sounds a bit controlling to me.
Lol, don't be ridiculous.

If someone did this to my DH I would tell them to get to fuck. You don't get to use the person I love and then just toss him aside when you're done. But then we are a team.

1forAll74 · 20/02/2021 03:31

YABU. Your Husband has a different view of things maybe, so move on.

BlueThistles · 20/02/2021 03:34

@1forAll74

YABU. Your Husband has a different view of things maybe, so move on.

from the Husband that does not support you... Yes OP definitely MOVE ON ... 🌺

steff13 · 20/02/2021 03:39

In what way are they still friends? Do they spend a lot of time together?

Ponoka7 · 20/02/2021 06:01

Was/is she a single parent and it was babysitting? If you don't ask, then you don't know if people can help. I help people out with childcare etc, if it doesn't cost me in anyway. I haven't expected life long friendship in return. This is more about your boundaries.

However, what form does their friendship take and had your DH said no to her, but you went ahead? You've helped her get back on her feet, but you feel that you are owed friendship beyond what she thinks. She might have expected you to say no, as most adults do, if you couldn't easily manage what she asked.

Enlighten100 · 20/02/2021 06:16

Op have you posted about this person before?
I don't think yabu. Its fine not to have anything to do with users. Does your dh know how she used you?

Eviebeans · 20/02/2021 06:31

I think OP helped because she thought they were genuine friends and now is upset to find that this is not the case. If it were me I would expect my husband to "get it" and be loyal to me and vice versa. I would also be telling her what I think/feel because I would be properly pissed.

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