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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think this is an insult...

22 replies

AfterEightMint · 19/02/2021 20:48

I am thinking of doing a degree qualification and told my friend who said:

‘Do you think you’re intelligent enough?’

She says she was only joking.

AIBU to think what she said is actually an insult?

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 19/02/2021 20:52

It sounds like a silly joke...it's only offensive if you're insecure about your intelligence or if she's always putting you down.

ASnowman · 19/02/2021 20:52

Wow! I can't believe a friend said that to you. Unless she has never been to college and thinks everyone who has been is super intelligent. If that is the case maybe she feels insecure and thinks you'll be lording it over here with your new degree.

HitchFlix · 19/02/2021 20:53

I do t see how it could be construed any other way

Some friend.... go for it and best of luck OP! Ignore her, that was a really shitty comment to make.

Jeschara · 19/02/2021 20:56

Ignore her,she was probably joking,rude but still a joke.

Original poster

AfterEightMint · 19/02/2021 21:04

I feel it was rude. And a put down. On paper I do have higher qualifications than her so I don’t know if that has something to do with it.

I hate it when people are rude and then pretend they were ‘just joking’ implying that I’m out of order for not seeing the joke.

I thought to myself afterwards if I would ever say that to anyone and no, I can’t ever imagine it!

Posted on here for views and quite happy to be told if I’m being unreasonable.

OP posts:

WaterOffADucksCrack · 19/02/2021 21:09

It depends what your relationship is usually like. For me and my close relationships it would be absolutely a joke and would be taken that way because the person making the joke would make it obvious it was a joke. Also we wouldn't be close with unkind people. You can't convey tone online so it's difficult. I'd say they were most likely joking unless they're known to be unkind.

Original poster

AfterEightMint · 19/02/2021 21:13

@WaterOffADucksCrack Thank you. That’s helpful. It wasn’t said in a lighthearted tone (it wasn’t a jokey conversation) but she can be quite dry. However I do think she would be very upset if someone said that to her.

OP posts:

1Morewineplease · 19/02/2021 21:16

Maybe she's jealous? She is probably assuming that you are both at similar academic levels and is knee-jerking her own dissatisfaction with her own current academic status.
Go for it!

ColdBrightClearMorning · 19/02/2021 21:25

I think you know in your gut that it was an insult. If you know her character and the situation you know whether it’s well intentioned.

I have a decent education (undergrad, MA, postgrad) but if I told a friend I was planning to go study a subject that is notoriously difficult or not my usual forte (for example chemistry) I can well imagine them saying something similar and it just being a genuine open hearted question. Cos chemistry is renowned for being tough AND it’s not something they’ve ever known me be any good at!

Just one example of a scenario where it wouldn’t be taken as an insult by me.

DDIJ · 19/02/2021 21:27

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Anystarinthesky · 19/02/2021 21:29

It sounds like an insult to me, not a joke.

sbhydrogen · 19/02/2021 21:30

My friends and I bully each other all the time, but if a friend said that to me I would say they'd gone too far.

BlueThistles · 19/02/2021 21:31

Absolutely she was bare faced insulting you OP 🌺

Sapho47 · 19/02/2021 21:32

Was she just being sarcastic?

ClaryFairchild · 19/02/2021 21:34

Unless you always take the piss with things like this, then it was absolutely an insult. If she ever goes down that path again say 'well I've already got more qualifications than you, so clearly way more intelligent than you' m, followed up with 'I was just joking' WHEN she gets upset, (When, not if, it's the people that make these remarks who are always the ones that get super offended when they are in the receiving end).

Bostonbullsmumma · 19/02/2021 21:35

I had a friend who said similar to me when I was applying to unj. Still makes me angry now and we haven't been friends for years! I did qualify in the field I had mentioned to her. Looking back I think she always felt superior to me as she'd had a better education initially. Your friend was being very unkind. Ignore her and go for it!

LolaSmiles · 19/02/2021 21:36

It would depend on your typical friendship banter. I've got some friends where they could say worse than that and it would 100% be a joke, but other friends where I would think it was rude and unsupportive because that's not our humour.

Overall if your gut has left you feeling a bit hurt by it then it's probably unusual for your friendship and not ok.

FrumpyDumpyDragon · 19/02/2021 21:37

Unless someone has a history of that sense of humour, I'd take it as an insult, and tbh, even if that was their sense of humour, I'd probably still not be happy about it!

Some things aren't joke material, especially when you're trying to talk about it seriously and haven't shown a huge appetite for insult-comedy at your own expense.

amusedbush · 19/02/2021 21:37

I can’t see any circumstance where that would be a funny joke.

Original poster

AfterEightMint · 19/02/2021 21:38

@DDIJ Occasionally. Social interaction isn’t necessarily her strength but we have known each other for 20 years so it’s not as though it’s a new friendship and she’s feeling awkward or doesn’t know what to say so says the first thing to come into her head.

@ColdBrightClearMorning I can understand that. If I had said I was thinking of doing a PhD in Engineering I would expect a similar response and some uncontrolled hysterical laughter but the subject is very much in my comfort zone.

Maybe it is about her feeling inadequate but she has equal, if not better, opportunities through her job to study so it isn’t as though I’m somehow advantaged.

OP posts:

Original poster

AfterEightMint · 19/02/2021 21:44

@Bostonbullsmumma I understand that. Some things cut deep don’t they?

When I challenged her and said that it was actually very poor form, she quickly responded that it was meant as a joke and that of course she didn’t mean it as I was actually more intelligent than her.

Comparing intelligence was never the issue.

I guess that says it all. She immediately compared our intelligence when all I had been talking about was doing a degree!

OP posts:

Tillytrotterisarotter · 19/02/2021 21:50

I'm doing a degree, I'm academically bright but completely and utterly lack in common sense and regularly do and say ridiculous things. Comments like this are standard from my friends and family. They know I can do it but like to pull my leg .

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