To chose to give birth alone?

[Yummymummy2020]

In a ideal world, I would give birth with my partner there and my one year old be minded by family. In reality, with the pandemic my one year old hasn’t been minded by anyone yet, I also am high risk and may or may not get vaccinated before the birth depending on timing. I currently work from home as am shielding. For me I feel it would be easier on my one year old for my partner and her daddy to mind her during the birth rather than leaving her with someone. He doesn’t want this, and in normal times I wouldn’t either but I’m mainly thinking of her being left with someone she effectively only knows from zoom calls, even if they are trust worthy. We didn’t avail of a bubble system as personally our family were not great for keeping safe and just it didn’t make sense to take the risk and so we stuck with Zoom calls and garden visits when it was allowed instead. I know a lot of other ladies had no choice but to give birth alone and did ok, but I guess I’m wondering other peoples feelings on vocally saying they want to do this for childcare purposes even if the partner wants to attend. I’m trying not to be selfish by putting our child first but then that obviously will cause annoyance with my partner. Then I’m also hormonal so my head might need a wobble if it is an unreasonable thing to do. If it was normal times she would have had a lot more time with family but this is just really the pandemic that has kept us apart more.

This is exactly what we did. Young children who hadn't seen family or anyone for months, so we felt it would be more unsettling for them to be left with "strangers" than for their dad to stay home and nee go in alone. A new sibling is unsettling enough, let alone a person in the house that they have no memory of, and both parents suddenly not being there!

We had a back up person lined up, in case things went wrong for me or the baby and my husband needed to get to the hospital quick, but I went in alone, and all was fine (actually much nicer than my 3 previous births - I quite liked not having anyone there to talk to, and the wards were blissfully quiet with no dads around afterwards - if we were having more, I'd def go alone again and ask to be in a ward which is mother's only, no visitors..!)

@MsOgynyThis is so lovely to hear! I totally agree, the thought of my little girl afraid is heart breaking to me, and in different times I would have built up time away so it wasn’t a big shock to the system but that’s not really possible to do safely at the minute and I feel she wouldn’t have a feather knocked out of her if he would just stay with her, and sure I have tried to make the point he won’t be allowed in long anyway I doubt even if the numbers go right down. Was he very against the idea or on board with it from the start? I don’t know if my partner is going to budge on this but to be honest I think I will be more stressed with him there because I will only worry about my little girl. Our last birth was very traumatic so I don’t think that is helping much, but I also feel if I’m willing to go in alone after that he should be willing to stay home too! But I know I’m also being selfish to him in some ways saying that too, I just want my little girl to come first over us pair!!!

I really wanted to give birth alone. I didn't in the end as my partner wanted to be there but I would have secretly liked being alone. I second the previous poster who said the ward was blissfully quiet after. After homeschooling and lockdown, being alone on the ward (with my new baby) was like an all inclusive trip to the Bahamas and one of the highlights of 2020. I even got to eat my lunch in bed!

I totally understand. My husband was more willing to leave the kids and come to the hospital, but he didn't take much persuading to stay home. I told him how, like you, I'd be WAY less stressed in labour knowing the older kids were happy. He understood it from the practical point of view, and for my own peace of mind. And yes, he'd only have been allowed in for about 2hrs anyway, and the practicalities of having someone on standby, to get to our house, handover the kids, him drive to the hospital etc just seemed a big faff for a short amount of time.

I video called from the hospital when I could, and he and the kids sent me videos of them to watch to pass the time...

When I arrived they allocated me a midwife who stayed with me throughout, unlike previous births where they popped in and out, or were sometimes impossible to see (!), and it was very relaxing and calm.

I hope you find the same :) it was honestly lovely.

You're not being unreasonable, but - do consider how good your maternity care is from you last experience there. I struggled to be taken seriously when I said I was in advanced labour (they said I couldn't possibly be - turns out I was 4cm and gave birth an hour later having been wheeled quickly down to delivery). I felt I had a better experience with DH advocating for me.

I know you are shielding but do you have an alternative non-family birth partner, as in a friend?

I had csections for both DDs. One elective and one emergency. DH was not present for either. I don't find hospitals stressful or scary and it was reassuring to know that our older DC(s) were with him.

You are a family of 3 and the birth experience needs to work for all 3 of you as far as possible.

I think you eill be fine alone. You’ll be more stressed if you are worried about your daughter and that’s not good for Labour. If you know your LO is with her Dad then you can put them out of your head and concentrate on you and the new baby. My DH was there for our 2nd but I didn’t want anyone touching me! I just went into a zone and got on with things . Best of luck to you all

I think only you can decide and your partner needs to respect that. If him staying at home to look after the 1 year old will make you feel more relaxed during labour, then that's what needs to happen.

I’m a FTM and my husband is in the armed forces and I’m thinking that if I go into labour when he’s not home, I just won’t tell him and go into hospital on my own. He’s really busy and stressed at work at the moment and him dealing with work calls on the duty phone when I’m in labour would just really really annoy me and not create a sense of calm!

I must admit I barely noticed my husband, it was the support, kindness and guidance of the midwives that was the most important to me.

For one of my births there was a possibility of a conflict and I said I would go in by taxi and husband would follow when he could.

It worked out well.
There wasn't any stress at all.
I got a taxi super quickly at 3am and as it happened husband was with me for the birth.
I just didn't see the point of ringing someone at that hour.

Taxi driver was great as were the midwives.

It happens more than you think as family's grow.

I had my twins alone due to emergency c section and couldn't get anyone to look after DD in time. It was fine and the midwives and doctors were amazing

I don’t know if my partner is going to budge on this but to be honest I think I will be more stressed with him there because I will only worry about my little girl.

He does not get to 'not budge' on it!

You've said what you said here - YOU would be less stressed if he took on the job of looking after your first. The job of a birth partner is to put you first and ease the stress and be a support. If that role is best filled by him doing what you say here, then that's what happens!!

Or is him getting to spectate more important than actually supporting you?!

Your birth, your choice.

I'm glad I had a relative - my own mum - alongside me when I gave birth, as there was a bit of a complication and the registrar started talking about an emergency caesarian. Something I really really didn't want unless absolutely necessary. Ma asked very firmly for a second opinion, within minutes a consultant had appeared, who promptly manually turned dd2 so she was pointing in the correct direction. She slithered out under her own steam two minutes later. Is there anyone you trust to be Covid safe and who will support your best interests who would be willing to come and be your advocate if needed?

How long until your due date?

Who would be caring for your DC when in labour if your DP was with you? Could you form a childcare bubble with whoever it is that would be caring for your DC so they can get to know each other?

Yes. I think that's probably best. I get your DH might want to see DC being born but he's seen the first one. It's a lot easier, less stressful and less of a covid risk if DH looks after DC.

You need someone there 'on your side' to advocate for you should the need arise. It's a very vulnerable position to be in.

At the risk of this being unpopular I’m not sure it’s fair on your DP for you to decide this based on childcare reasons. If you weren’t comfortable with your DP being there then I’d be all for it but I think there are ways around this where he then is able to be there. I had one of my DC alone and one with DH there and I wouldn’t have chosen to that and for him to miss that experience if there had been any way around it

I did consider this when pregnant with ds as Dd was a very clingy toddler and we’d never left her overnight. (This was long before Covid.)

We didn’t as we did manage to come up with a plan that just about worked.

With hind sight though I think it would have been a big mistake if we had. I was thinking mainly about what was best for Dd - with a little bit of thought as to what was best for me (ie I would prefer to not have to worry about Dd even if that meant giving birth without dh there). But the person I didn’t think about was ds. And the fact that he was the most important person at his birth - not me, not dh and not Dd.

It is very easy with the second child for it all to get a bit lost in the blur of stuff you have seen before. I can tell you to the day - and with a bit of thinking probably to the hour - when, where and what was dd’s first word and her first steps. Ds - ummm - he was about a year I think for both. Bad mother!

It is important to give second children “moments” that are all about them.

It doesn't have to be your husband or no one. I've assumed from your post that you're planning a hospital birth?

If you've had a traumatic birth previously I'd say it's important that you have someone there who can advocate for you if needed.

Is there a family member/friend you would be comfortable with? Have you considered a doula?

I’m not pregnant but when I had my daughter I came away thinking if I ever did it again, I’d love to do it alone. I’d really be able to focus on me and forget everything else.

I think if at all possible you need someone to advocate for you, to fetch things, to make sure you have food and water etc. But then I had very very poor experiences in hospital. The hours I was on labour ward with DS2 after giving birth was probably the worst I have ever felt as I was alone for hours with no-one checking on me, no food or water, I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't reach the buzzer. I wouldn't recommend anyone to give birth alone as you can't guarantee a member of staff will be there if you need help.

I had a traumatic birth with my first so the second time around we decided on a doula so husband could be with our oldest. We have no family nearby nor anyone that our oldest at the time would be comfortable with especially with us not knowing how long it would take and what would happen.

The doula was money well-spent. She was a calming presence through out and was there to remind me that I had choices which my last birth I was coerced into an induction (wasn’t even medically necessary) and choices were made without my consent. She knew when to help and when to leave me be. I also could focus on just me and not worry about if our son was ok since he was with his father. The whole experience was amazing, calming, and stress-free. When my husband came by the first thing he said that I was glowing and obviously happy vs the first time where I looked haunted, traumatised, and on the edge of tears.

If you know that you would feel more relaxed with your partner with your child then do it, but do have someone there that you trust and/or are comfortable with to advocate for you jic.

Thanks so much for all the insights everyone. I guess after the last time having dh there as an advocate didn’t really make a jot of difference to be honest, the staff didn’t care what he had to say and errors were made which were quite serious though thankfully we were ok after my little one spent some time in the icu. We did complain and got a formal apology and assured this won’t happen again, which I think might make me a bit safer this time as last time wasn’t let go if that makes sense? I have to meet with the complaints person again to discuss this birth so I think I will be watched more carefully but of course it will depend on staffing ect as it always does for everyone. I’m definitely facing an induction again this time due to health issues but I learned a lot after the last time and I agree it is a vulnerable position to put myself in but I guess I feel a bit more prepared and in a position to be an advocate for myself this time. Last time I also felt I was more minding my partner than myself anyway as he was more of a mess than me and didn’t cope very well with the situation. I don’t think he will be allowed stay long at all after the birth either so not sure he will be able to do much for me on the ward. I would be interested in a doula for sure although I believe they can be a bit expensive so something I would have to look into but I have heard that they are Money well spent!

I am considering this as well. I don't think my partner was particularly good at advocating for me (not surprisingly given he is medically untrained, knows nothing about birth and us quite squeamish!). I suppose it was nice to have him around but I don't really remember him doing anything! I don't know whether to go alone or ask a friend.
My partner would not mind either way, but even if he did, to be honest the purpose of them being present is to support you, not to spectate or have some kind of "experience". So it's up to you to decide and they just need to support you in whatever way is best for you. What the man wants is not more important than what the person actually going through labour wants.