Really sorry, this is a long post for a first time poster but long time lurker.
Full disclosure, I'm not a mum, I'm a dad, of an awesome 10 year old girl. M&D are still together, so no issues there. The issues are with her Parents, and I'm at a loss for what to do so I thought I'd throw it out into the void.
Her relationship with her parents has always been strained. Dad was an abusive alcoholic while she was young, and Mum was pretty apathethetic towards DWs existence (trying the lingo, don't judge me).
The breakdown started with her sister. Sister's other half cheated and had a child with someone else, from that point DW found it difficult to be nice to sister's other half. I know it's not her problem, but I don't think she should have to be nice to him after that if she doesn't want to be. This argument eventually spilled over to the family and the sister denied everything, I was there when she said it so I know it's not just a sibling spat, and a bit of internet sleuthing has also confirmed it is true. So mother took sisters side and dad took DWs side, but only in private.
DD came along and things kind of bumbled along fine for quite a few years, both sets of grandparents had good and regular contact, but then they started going against everything we wanted. Not feeding her right, letting her get sun burnt, talking her out of her activities as according to them, she's too busy. Now we always challenged these sorts of things as reasonably as we could (apart from one which I'll come to), didn't go in all guns blazing.
The flash points were:
- One time I had to go to the US for work for over a week, DW was upset at the time as we don't really spend much time apart, so when Dad came to call, she just wanted to be alone. THAT DAY, not in general, just that day. From then they said they didn't feel welcome.
- Sun-burn gate. DW sent a carefully though out message after they took her for a day out and got her burned quite badly. Sun cream is a simple thing, especially with an 8 year old we think. DW tried the whole sandwich thing and said that she was glad DD had a good time, but she was dissappointed that they let her get burned and upset that they tried to hide it, but was glad they took her somewhere new. Carefully worded as they are impossible to disagree with, they are right, about everything and that's the end of it. Things really went downhill from there.
- DD told me that Grandad told her that her mum was 'Wrong in the head', this was in the context of a conversation they had about why we were all not getting on as well as we used to. He then phoned my mother to tell her how awful his daughter was, presumably hoping that my mum would get me to switch sides or something like that, then DW would be alone and would have to comply. I fully own my unhelpful reaction to this, but you have to draw the line somewhere.
- DW had an open heart conversation with her mum where she told her that she felt shut out, unloved, and from what she's told me, I see why. Rather than take this opportunity to mend things with her suffering child, she went the other way. They have not spoken a civil word since.
I'll add to this, that DW suffered a number of back to back miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy, each one took a little bit more from her, so she does have some challenges, we are working through them, it is taking a long time, it will take a lot longer, and they know this. We are really open with DD about both those issues and what's going on now with DWs parents.
We gave it a couple of months and reached out offering to talk. Initially to grandad, who responded positvely, but a few hours later said, basically, 'No way, It's never giong to work'.
We think that his initial reaction when he was alone was to talk, and when he got home spoke to the mother she 'corrected' him. He was much more reasonable until he retired. Since he stopped working and spent more time with her, he has become as unreasonable as her.
We have allowed them to stay in touch with DD by text, there will be a few messages, then a gap, then a bit of guilt tripping, a couple of emojis, a few digs at us 'not letting' them see her, rinse and repeat.
We thought we could manage it at that, but every time it upsets DW more and more. We don't want to go full no contact as DD does still seem to have feelings for them, but in my opinion, they are poison. She is a callous, loveless, shell of a human and he is a coward, good at puffing his chest out when he's had a few, but nothing behind it.
It has now been over a year since any form of communication and probably over 18 months since the last civil one. DD gets the odd pecking.
I don't even know if I want a reply to this or if I just wanted to write it down. I guess my questions are:
Are we unreasonable?
Should we try again? if so how? they are not able to have adult conversations (I know how patronising that sounds, but please believe me, they can't)
Should we go 'No Contact'?
How do reconcile that with our daughter?
I'd just be really interested to hear how people have managed a breakdown with their parents, where there is still a connection for the child.
I massive part of me wants to say, 'I know what's best and that's to cut them out'
I think I'll stop talking now. Again, sorry for the long post.