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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Overly nice to lying DP

49 replies

Menjustmen · 18/02/2021 16:37

I’ve had suspicions for a few weeks that DP has been texting his ex. He has form for this including sexual messages in the past. Id only last asked him yesterday to which he said no he wasn’t and I said I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and trust him.
I saw on his phone that he’d last text her yesterday and confronted him this morning by saying I’d see it when he was sat next to me. He said I am seeing things, the usual shite men say.

Usually I’d go mad and end up seeming unreasonable but Im taking a new approach. I’ve Been so sickly sweet and he’s very confused (presumably because he knows he’s lying). AIBU to continue this approach so he feels bad that he’s lied when I trusted him and made me a mug?

OP posts:

Mamamamasaurus · 18/02/2021 18:22

Aren't you a bit old for games OP?

lazylinguist · 18/02/2021 18:25

Do you want to make him feel bad or do you want to be with someone who isn't a gaslighting, lying cheat?

Original poster

Menjustmen · 18/02/2021 18:39

Sorry, got distracted with chores.

I can’t leave right now, and I just want to make it easier till I can as he can be aggressive

OP posts:

optimisticpessimist01 · 18/02/2021 18:49

OP there are people and organisations that can help you if you are scared that he will turn aggressive, Women's Aid will help you out if you don't have friends or family you can turn to.

DavidsSchitt · 18/02/2021 19:11

Why can't you leave now? And are there children involved?

ElizaLaLa · 18/02/2021 19:11

@Menjustmen

Sorry, got distracted with chores.

I can’t leave right now, and I just want to make it easier till I can as he can be aggressive

Drip, drip, drip.

It doesn't sound like you are scared of him as you usually go mad at him.

Make sure you give him a blowjob tonight too op.

🙄

AnnLouiseB · 18/02/2021 19:12

Why would you not just break up with him?

Wiredforsound · 18/02/2021 19:14

Jesus, who has time for that shit? Kick him to the kerb.

BrilliantBetty · 18/02/2021 19:16

I've been there myself in the past OP.

I think you need to decide what it is you want to happen next. What are you looking for / waiting for? And if it materialises, what then?

You don't need a reason to leave him. Not trusting him is a good enough reason any way. You don't need to wait for more incriminating messages to prove you're right and he's a bastard. Don't waste your time trying to collect evidence that you'll most likely minimise and move on from anyway.

If you're not happy and you don't trust him, that's the important bit.

TwinsetBeck · 18/02/2021 19:49

He doesn’t care if you are nice to him. If it makes it easier for you to live in a home with him then crack on. It’s probably safer honestly if he is aggressive.

Don’t fool yourself though that it will change how he feels about you. He has zero respect for you. He lies to your face. Men like this often seem to have an ex willing to stay in touch. I swear they use it as an intimidation technique to keep the current partner in line.

Remember if he loved the ex he’d be with her. If he loved you he’d treat you better. You need to try to emotionally detach from him if you can. He’s not a safe pair of hands for your heart.

JovialNickname · 18/02/2021 19:55

I always think it's very strange when women try to kid themselves they're "winning" when they choose to let men get away with things. He's going to continue to text his ex whenever he wants; you're going to stay with him. The collective on MN, you, and him, all know this. But if it makes you feel like you've scored a bonus point by making him a catfood sandwich/ being unexpectedly nice/ serving an extra portion of chips for tea then go for it. Just know that you rolling over so easily (being nice as a punishment - my god!) only makes his life easier.

DogsSausages · 18/02/2021 19:58

What's the point in hanging on just to make him feel bad, he is an aggressive liar who you don't trust. You can do better for yourself, what is stopping you leaving. What's the house situation, are there children involved.

Boho7 · 18/02/2021 21:06

@ItsJackieWeaverBitch

Life is way too short. Why are you messing round with your different tactics when you could maintain some respect and end it with him?

This

HitchFlix · 18/02/2021 21:25

Sounds stupid to me. All of it. Are you 12? Just get rid already.

DuchessofHastings1 · 18/02/2021 21:28

Try the 'kick the cunt to the curb' approach.

Hes messaged his ex before including sexy messages. You know hes doing it now so why are you still with him playing games?

Have his bags packed!

Regularsizedrudy · 18/02/2021 22:26

Yeah be nice to the cheater, that’ll teach him..

SnackSizeRaisin · 18/02/2021 22:33

He's not going to feel bad if you are nice to him. It will make his life easier and make him feel justified in his cheating. He obviously doesn't care about your feelings or he wouldn't be doing it in the first place.

Don't put up with him - he doesn't care so you are wasting your time and effort.

morninglive · 19/02/2021 09:41

I love the way people say LTB, like everyone can just pack a bag and move into a nice home elsewhere. Sometimes you just have to bide your time and line up those fucking ducks. In the meantime behaving sweetly and confusing him, can make you feel a bit more in control. Personally I just moved into the spare room and didn't speak to my ex, until I was able to get out of the situation into a better one

CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/02/2021 13:07

@Menjustmen

Sorry, got distracted with chores.

I can’t leave right now, and I just want to make it easier till I can as he can be aggressive

Ignore the bunfest!

Take a deep breath and start gathering whatver is vital, documents, wage slips, birth certificate and all that kind of thing.

If there is anyone you trust let them know what is happening.

Get as much help as you can. Womens Aid, National Domestic Abuse Helpline, family of possible.

But, whatever else you do, promise yourself that this time you WILL.

Then do it! Leave!

lazylinguist · 20/02/2021 19:11

I love the way people say LTB

Except in extreme cases where the OP appears to be in immediate danger, LTB clearly means 'This man is clearly not beneficial to your life. I wouldn't want to be with a man like that. If I were you, I'd be making plans to leave him'. It doesn't mean 'Pack a suitcase and leave this instant'. Otherwise it would be called LTBRN (leave the bastard right now).

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 20/02/2021 19:27

In the meantime behaving sweetly and confusing him, can make you feel a bit more in control.

In my experience, horrible men aren't in the least confused or wrongfooted or unnerved when you're sweet to them. They just take it as a given that you should be. It doesn't cause them any distress. Why should it?

This "revenge by being sweet as pie" is a very weird thing that seems to tap into some sort of fantasy that some women have.

StephenBelafonte · 20/02/2021 19:29

Oh dear. Are you VERY desparate to have a man?

MrsBobDylan · 20/02/2021 19:38

If texting his ex is a regular thing and you have overlooked it multiple times already, then why would he stop it or worry about your feelings on this occasion, even if you have changed tack.

By staying with him you are telling him that he can carry on as he likes.

MissMarpleDarling · 20/02/2021 21:16

No op don't be nice to him! Leave him! Don't waste your time.

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