To feel sad at this?

[TrinidadQueen]

I have 2 people in my life who have really hurt me. Used me and taken advantage of my good nature, only to disappear when I have no use or they are happy again.
People say that karma will get them but it hasn't. In fact, their lives have thrived. One has more friends then ever, happily married, successful and gorgeous kids and lots of money. The other again, lots of friends, hugely successful at work, doting partner, close to family etc.
Is it the case that some people deserve to be used as they just are not as good as others, not lovable, exciting or worthy enough?
Its not like I want bad things to happen to them but they have certainly not learnt any lessons from how they have treated me. No repercussions, just a much better life. Just makes me sad that I am so forgettable and not as good as other people. It seems that I am just not seen as worthwhile enough to treat well.
Part of me wants to write a letter to them asking why they treated me as they did so I can get some answers as to how to improve as a person but I also cannot change who I am inside. It's just sad.

How do you know they are thriving? If its social media then I really would take it with a pinch of salt. If they are such users and narcissists they would. No doubt want people to think they have their life together.

What I would say though is that they may have no idea how badly they hurt your feelings. Can you give examples of what they did to you? It sounds harsh but some people are overly sensitive and they may not see it the same as you.

You need to be able to learn lessons and move on from this.

How did they treat you? What did they do?

There's no such thing as karma, unfortunately.

People say that karma will get them but it hasn't. In fact, their lives have thrived. One has more friends then ever, happily married, successful and gorgeous kids and lots of money. The other again, lots of friends, hugely successful at work, doting partner, close to family etc.

I'm goin to quote Dr Phil here but ... Never compare your personal truth..with others social masks.

You have no idea their lives are actually thriving and all peachy as you describe.

What you are doing is comparing what you KNOW about your life..to what you SEE of their lives.
You need to work on self esteem and boundaries. You will feel more confident and will spend less time envying others.
I'm sorry you have been taken advantage of and treated so poorly. You didn't deserve that.
But you can stand up now and change the dynamic to make sure that never happens again

Some people who are really not nice do really well in life. Life often isn't fair and really good people don't always get treated the way they deserve.
Their super life might not actually be as shiny as it looks though, their friends may be shallow, their husband may just want a trophy wife, their kids might be horribly behaved - who knows?
They may just not be capable of the empathy you want them to feel though so I would write it all down in a letter, burn it, then remove all traces of them from your life - social media especially! and then just concentrate on you and yours. Don't waste any more of your emotions on them x

I had someone who I worked with professionally. She was a mentor to me, huge amount of support and encouragement. After two years she threw me under a bus because I was of no use to her any more. Her career had thrived, mine has faltered somewhat (still working but at a lower level). Honestly, all I think is that I’m lucky to be away from her now. Fortunately I do like my job even if it less well paid.

Have you considered some counselling to process what happened? It could help you to put this all behind you and move forward.

I don't believe in karma. In the nicest possible way, it sounds like you are fixated on seeing yourself as a life-long victim as a result of two people who didn't treat you right. That mindset is not going to do you any favours when it comes to getting your own life on track, which is your responsibility. You need to make your own reality.

I have only just embarked on a more assertive road..feeling quite like you do a little while ago,taken advantage of..used to make other people feel good and never having them notice when I needed some back.

I developed such a defeated,victim attitude where I constantly thought about all the bad things people did to me and how I was a nice person who didn't deserve this shit. And while that statement was true-I didn't deserve this shit .. my thinking was only pulling me down further.

Thinking about the past and wishing I could control how people treated me did nothing but make me feel more hopeless and sorry for myself.

It hit me one day reading lots of material on breaking bad habits and setting boundaries with people that I had to stop dwelling on things I had no control of and start working on the things I did have control of.

I hope you can see the light too some day op and start thinking about yourself in a positive light and start building your confidence.

You can feel sad but it’s not helping you move past what happened or to have your life you want.

I’m not sure what you think karma means but you know good things happen to bad people and vice versa all the time. Life isn’t fair. It’s a choice what to do with that. Letting the past consume you isn’t productive.

You're always going to see their life as better than yours while you are determined not to love yourself, describe your positive traits negatively, and see your life as a failure.

Positives: these people are out of your life.
Your life is complete in many ways - count the good things; there will be many.
You have an ethical system that recognises the humanity of others.

You really need to give yourself some self love. Don't do to yourself what you think unpleasant people have done to you - be better to yourself than that.

And, frankly, who cares how they live? The main thing is that they were toxic for you - and now they're gone. That is a cause for celebration.

I have seen some dreadful people thrive, going from strength to strength in careers and life. There is nothing I can do about this unfairness. 'Karma' as a phrase is completely misunderstood anyway. You will do yourself no good mulling over poor little you, who was treated badly.

Part of me wants to write a letter to them asking why they treated me as they did

Don't do this, OP. Letters of this nature are usually seen, rightly or wrongly, as passive aggressive and kind of cowardly; why not try to arrange an actual conversation where they can respond immediately and directly to you? I think it's very rare for someone to receive a letter asking why they wronged the writer however long ago, and to suddenly have an epiphany and beg the writer's forgiveness for being so terrible.

You don't say what happened so I can't make a judgement on that, but really the only thing worth doing is to channel your energy into bettering your own life rather than watching theirs hoping for disaster.

Also, I'm not keen on this:

so I can get some answers as to how to improve as a person but I also cannot change who I am inside

Your entire post implies that you don't think you were in the wrong here; they were, and it's therefore unfair that they have such good lives. So I don't know why you try to end with "so I can improve as a person", because the rest of your post does not suggest that you think the fault was with yours. It's coming over to me, personally, as somewhat passive aggressive and dishonest about your motives. Maybe that's wrong, but it's how it feels to me.

Concentrate on your own life and making it happier. Sounds like that's what they've done.

You should confront them, express your feeling, that will give you closure. Then dust yourself off and get on with life.

@Cookiecrumblepie

You should confront them, express your feeling, that will give you closure. Then dust yourself off and get on with life.

How can she do this? I would not want to have a conversation or 'confrontation' with someone who feels hard done by and needs to use my time to feel better. I don't think anyone would agree to such a meeting.

You know, most of us get taken advantage of at one time or another. The trick is to learn from the experience, then let it go.

If you spoke to other people, you'd probably find that many people have worse stories than the one you have - but they've moved on and that's the key difference.

Fir example, I had a friend that stole hundreds of pounds from me, after I'd gone out of my way to help them. And another who dropped me as a friend the second I was vulnerable, after I looked after her child, for free, for two years, so that she could study!!!!

But I've also had enormous amounts of love and support in my life. And I suspect I've done my own share of being a bad friend, through negligence, thoughtlessness, or oversight.

I've also come through a period of disability - and I can honestly say that I now recognise my life has some fantastic things in it - even if I'm never going to live the life of a Hollywood star.

So, be loving to yourself. Stop criticising yourself for being the recipient of bad luck and bad friends. Spend that energy keeping your eyes open for good friends and good luck.

Do you know what you can do to change your behaviour OP? Forget about them and move on. Tread carefully if they come back into your life, perhaps don't allow them back in. Be cautious if you find yourself in similar situations with others.

I see these situations as a learning experience and it has shaped the person I am now. People do step on other people to get ahead in life. There is nothing wrong with saying I'm not prepared to do that and viewing myself as successful because I am actually a nice person.

To be honest, my gut instinct on reading this without knowing any details, is that this is much more of a you problem than a them problem. You seem very fixated on these people.

Also, if whatever heinous thing they did to you was so long in the past that they've since had time to build families, it's very likely to be explained by them being a bit of a dick as a kid, which most of us are and most also grow out of.

How do you know so much about their lives since you’re no longer friends? Knowing one has gorgeous kids and the other a doting partner is quite specific.

Do not write to them! That’s quite tragic and even if you got an answer, it’s unlikely to be truthful or what you’re hoping for. They are more likely to take the Mickey. You need to resolve this yourself.

Of course you are absolutely as worthy of being treated with kindness and consideration as anyone. It is a reflection on the character of those people that they took more than they gave and didn't appreciate or respect your kindness. Naturally it is salt in the wound that it seems that the river of nice things flows fully in their direction.
I know lots of people like this, some have affected me directly, some haven't... None have made me wish I was more like them, I know which team I want to bat for. The flip side is I absolutely don't tolerate people like this being part of my life, and I'm better at spotting who those people are as I have got older. I know I'm not going to win them all, but by living by my values of respecting / valuing others I have quietly accumulated a collection of like minded people who bring me so much joy. So, I think stick with your core of kindness, or you wouldn't be you, but absolutely don't be anyone's doormat (that brings out the worst in these characters), and look for the people who play a straight bat like yourself. Then you can recognise the value in your brand of friendship which is deep rooted and highly prized by those who recognise it's worth.

YANBU to feel hurt, but its unwise to give toxic people so much power that you write to them to ask for anything. They won't apologise, they wont be truthful with you and it wont achieve anything. All it will do is underline your own lack of power in the situation.

Try to reach a point where you can accept them as flawed people and choose not to have anything more to do with them, so that you can walk away and get on with your life.

It sounds as though you have a need for life to be "fair" which is really not the case at all.

I think you need to come to terms with this or you will make yourself very unhappy.

@Notimeforaname

I have only just embarked on a more assertive road..feeling quite like you do a little while ago,taken advantage of..used to make other people feel good and never having them notice when I needed some back.

I developed such a defeated,victim attitude where I constantly thought about all the bad things people did to me and how I was a nice person who didn't deserve this shit. And while that statement was true-I didn't deserve this shit .. my thinking was only pulling me down further.

Thinking about the past and wishing I could control how people treated me did nothing but make me feel more hopeless and sorry for myself.

It hit me one day reading lots of material on breaking bad habits and setting boundaries with people that I had to stop dwelling on things I had no control of and start working on the things I did have control of.

I hope you can see the light too some day op and start thinking about yourself in a positive light and start building your confidence.

Hi nice person. Can I just say, your post rsonated with me so much, I've written it down in my journal. I hope you don't mind? It really makes sense to me. I had been dwelling on the past a lot too. I never thought to think that I can't control what happened back then, but, I have a choice as to how to react to situations now. Wow. Thank you.