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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I might object

15 replies

SugarfreeBlitz · 18/02/2021 09:02

When person X is in other people's homes they read out personal letters and snooped into their private affairs, which they then gossiped about.
Recently they house sat and used the other person's printer wirelessly and all kinds of other things without permission. They also boasted how they did not keep the rules set for them or care for the family pets in the way they were instructed to do (putting them in danger)

I am rubbish at setting boundaries, though to be fair this person tries to trample any boundaries anyone sets. I have realised I cannot trust them and feel I want to say something, even though I know I will be slandered and smeared for it. I am struggling with them as "everything is about them" and they constantly are the centre of drama's they create. AIBU to say something blunt?

OP posts:
squashyhat · 18/02/2021 09:07

YABU. It's perfectly acceptable behaviour and you should put up and shut up.

Really OP - is that what you expect people to say? How about posting in the Relationships board and asking for some strategies to kick this unpleasant individual out of your home?

Original poster
SugarfreeBlitz · 18/02/2021 09:12

Because they aren't in my home so I don't need to kick them out. Already done that, but the drama continues.

OP posts:
MadeOfStarStuff · 18/02/2021 09:15

If they’re not in your home then all you can do is not allow them into your home in the future.

And if other people don’t know about their behaviour then you could warn them, but if they’re aware and choose to tolerate it that’s not your problem.

HTH1 · 18/02/2021 09:41

Yes, just literally don’t let them in your home, let alone asking them to house sit or pet sit. If this is an in-law and your DH insists on letting them in, just find a way round it eg meet them on outings only (and as little as possible).

Northofsomewhere · 18/02/2021 10:12

I think some of the rings you've stated they've done aren't an issue (using someone's printer while house sitting) but I'd be letting the pet owner that they aren't taking care of their pets or keeping them safe so they don't get this person in again.
If they aren't living with you then it should be easy to withdraw contact, especially at the moment. Stop replying to messages and have calls go straight to voicemail, if they knock on your door make some excuse about being busy. There's no need to have a big conversation, even if you don't like them unless you intentionally want to hurt their feelings and potentially give them fuel to their drama. You're not unreasonable to want to not see them but I think you need to consider how to end the relationship so cause least hurt and drama.

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 18/02/2021 10:19

What is your relationship to this person X? Who have they been gossiping to about what they have done and how did it get back to you? Is there a lot of shit stirring going on from multiple people here?

Member984815 · 18/02/2021 10:25

Is it a relative? Harder to avoid a blunt conversation if it is. If it's a friend I would just not have them in the house again and let the friendship slide. To me it sounds like a nosy family member, using your info for gossip fodder

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 18/02/2021 10:29

I'd be livid and they would be well aware. Especially the pets . Don't ever fuck with pets Angry

Original poster
SugarfreeBlitz · 18/02/2021 14:42

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

I'd be livid and they would be well aware. Especially the pets . Don't ever fuck with pets Angry
IKR. I haven't told them because person X is so toxic I haven't felt able to deal with the fall out as my MH is suffering ATM

Yes, a relative. There isn't any shit stirring, but other people in the family are intimidated by them and seem to enable their behaviours. I would not let them pet sit or house sit my house! I think the person whose home/pet it was would be upset to know everything, so Im not sure if I should tell them even though it's not likely they could go away at the moment.

OP posts:
Northofsomewhere · 18/02/2021 14:53

If it was my pets (I have 1 lovely dog and am planning on getting another) I would want to know asap, it's my responsibility to keep them safe. They can then do what they want with that information but I'd definitely want to know. This is especially important if they're still seeing them either in their own home (don't know what the bubble arrangements are) or out and about outside with pets.

If you're mental health is suffering due to the entire situation then you need to do what's best for your mental health. I assume this relative is like this with everyone so others involved are likely to understand if you choose to limit contact.

I'm no contact with some family, while some family aren't happy with this it's not their life and their reasons for staying in contact are different from my reasons to choose not to, they also won't acknowledge some of their negative actions. It's easy for them to overlook them when it didn't happen to them. Luckily they don't live close by, I don't have them on social media and they haven't had any recent contact details so it was fairly easy to cut contact.

I think if it's affecting your mental health you should try and take control in the ways you are able. Forgot about other people, you are the most important person in your life, it gets harder to care for others if you are ill (I wasn't sure if this was the correct phrasing but could think of anything better) and no one else is living your life.

Hhusky · 18/02/2021 15:05

If you were my friend and you knew someone who was housesitting for me did that, I would want to know.

Original poster
SugarfreeBlitz · 19/02/2021 14:01

My MH is suffering, that's why I haven't said anything to the people concerned.
If anyone is going on holiday and leaving family to housesit, then I'd advise some sort of surveillance camera in communal areas. Not everyone in your family is like you are (in my experience)

OP posts:
MyLittleOrangutan · 19/02/2021 14:29

If it was my pet I would want to know and would be as mad with you for keeping it from me as I was with her for doing it.

When people tell me things like that I just say "I don't want to know what's in her mail, its private." "Oh I'm not sure I'd have done that, the cats could be hurt." And change the subject. So what if she falls out with you, what's she gonna do, set your house on fire?

Original poster
SugarfreeBlitz · 19/02/2021 18:20

Some cultures don't value independance and think of the body as public property, so consider it "ok" to call people fat to their face.
It's not ok here though and I think they need to be called out on their behaviour. What's culturally acceptable in their country is downright rude, bordering on abusive here. That's the issue.
I would have thought the NHS has strict anti bullying rules and a way of dealing with this sort of thing, so please OP don't let your health be affected by this. TALK to your Manager.
You don't know who else you might be helping. Imagine if she said it to someone suicidal with body dysmorphia? I think you owe it to yourself and the general public to say something.

OP posts:
Original poster
SugarfreeBlitz · 19/02/2021 18:22

Sorry wrong post!

They do know but not from me. I think their neighbours told them.

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