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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It’s never ok to question what DP is eating?

49 replies

Allypally12 · 17/02/2021 23:22

DP is lovely, always thoughtful and kind, but tonight he criticised me for eating chocolate.

For context. I’ve been trying to stop eating so much chocolate and has been doing well. Half-term holiday and stressful day today, I’ve eaten cake and chocolate. Tonight I sat down with him to watch TV with a cup of tea and MORE chocolate. He looks at me with a disgusted look and says ‘more chocolate, that’s your second bar today. Don’t’.

For context, he has apologised and said that the way he said it was mean and he doesn’t know why he did.

I feel really sad, and embarrassed and that this will always impact how I feel about eating in front of him?

YABU - him commenting on my chocolate consumption was fair.

YANBU- his comments were unacceptable.

So as not to drop feed - I’m a size 6-8.

OP posts:

Stroller15 · 18/02/2021 01:12

What an overreaction. He said something rude, he apologised but now you can't sleep as you are disappointed?

Sapho47 · 18/02/2021 01:14

"For context. I’ve been trying to stop eating so much chocolate "

Can't possibly think what about this situation could have made him comment....

Out of curiosity is it ok to say if your dp is smoking too much? Or drinking too much?

Ladybird69 · 18/02/2021 04:28

I can only comment on my situation. My ex used to comment on what I was eating all the time, not only choc but meals too, I developed a serious eating disorder. So be careful that he doesn’t push you into one too.

LimitIsUp · 18/02/2021 05:46

He clearly wasn't fat shaming you since at size 6/8 that is not an issue, so presumably his motivation is regarding your health - the high fat and sugar content can cause heart disease even in thin people.

I don't think the words he used were particularly damning.

Shoxfordian · 18/02/2021 06:42

He sounds like a knob
Does he generally comment on your food or your other choices like that?

Aprilx · 18/02/2021 06:51

Considering that you have told him that you want to cut out chocolate, it seems a perfectly reasonable thing for him to say. I can’t see his face so I am not going to comment on the disgusted look, you might have misinterpreted an expression.

You are being a bit over the top to say you are sad and embarrassed.

honeylulu · 18/02/2021 07:10

He was rude and blunt (though has apologised for how he spoke).
The thing is, you say you have been trying to cut down - it does sound like an unhealthy habit whatever your size - so I presume you have been vocal about that desire.

I am wondering if you are like a friend of mine who frets about what she eats. She will say "I'm on a health kick, I'm not going to eat any chocolate, if you see me getting tempted say NO". Then later in the day she will see or buy some chocolate and it will be "oh I'm so miserable, I reeeeaaaally want to eat that chocolate" over and over (we try to ignore), then eventually she will eat the damn chocolate and the rest of the evening is moaning and wailing about how she wishes she hadn't given in, feels rubbish, her night is ruined etc. It is really, really tiresome and at times when I have seen her about to eat it I have been close to snapping because I know exactly how it goes next.

I may be projecting but if that is anything like what happened in your house (you seem to have made a performance about sitting down to scoff your second bar of chocolate in front of him) then it may not be surprising that he got irritated and snapped at you.

"Don't" is the unacceptable bit though. He is not your boss and doesn't get to give you orders.

Lovelydiscusfish · 18/02/2021 07:15

He was rude. It would have upset me too. But he said sorry, so try and put it behind you. Not worth falling out over as a one off.

Silvercatowner · 18/02/2021 07:19

I have given up all sweet things for Lent. It is hard at first, but I soon get used to it

Wtf has that got to do with anything?

AgentJohnson · 18/02/2021 07:37

This goes deeper and has a lot to do with how you feel about yourself. It’s very hard living with someone who complains about their weight and then makes excuses for doing the very thing they say they said they wouldn’t.

He was being critical and he knows exactly why he said it but it doesn’t sound like either of you are ready to be honest with each other. Instead he’s probably going to keep his mouth shut and your chocolate eating is going to go underground.

You both need to decide if you are prepared to be honest with each other.

AgentJohnson · 18/02/2021 07:39

Not eating in front of him doesn’t solve the problem, especially if that gives you opportunities to do more of the thing you say you want to do less of.

Talk to each other and that starts by you owning your behaviour.

Crackerofdoom · 18/02/2021 07:39

He may have been trying to support you. If it isn't helpful, you need to communicate this to him.

DH has smoked on and off since I have known him. He has never been a heavy smoker but he struggles to stop completely.

We have talked about what is helpful to him and what isn't.

When he wants to give up I offer him what support he wants but I don't interfere, I never ever comment on it if he slips up and has one or if he starts smoking again properly.

Of course I don't want him to be a smoker but he knows that. When he smokes he feels like a failure and any comment I make will only compound that and will not help him at all.

Feeling judged is never a positive experience and will not help you but you need to explain this to him and give him ways he can help you instead.

DinosaurDiana · 18/02/2021 07:41

It’s probably his way of encouraging you to eat less chocolate.
I assume you told him you want to cut down ?
He’s trying to help in his own way.

pangolina · 18/02/2021 07:46

Depends. Have you been moaning about how you need to stop eating so much chocolate? I have a mate who is like this with bread, banging on about how she's not going to eat much then eating it and complaining about it.
If you don't do this then he was a bit harsh, but he did apologise.
If you do, maybe have a think about what it's like to live with.

emilyfrost · 18/02/2021 07:52

YABU. You’ve told him you want to cut out chocolate and you’re using it as stress relief; that’s not healthy so of course he’s going to say something because he cares about you.

Your size is totally irrelevant.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 18/02/2021 07:53

He shouldn’t have commented, as he has acknowledged, and has apologised.

So I am wondering why you “feel really sad, and embarrassed and that this will always impact how I feel about eating in front of him”.

Always? After one comment made after he knew you were trying to eat less chocolate and had already had cake and chocolate?

He shouldn’t have said it, but I think you could look at your reaction since his apology.

1Morewineplease · 18/02/2021 07:58

@BastardGoDarkly

I'm hoping you're not the poster who's bf grabbed her belly and called her chubster?

Is there more to this op?

That's what I was thinking!

user1493494961 · 18/02/2021 08:11

LindaEllen - Spot on.

hotchocandtwosmokybacon · 18/02/2021 08:12

I snack a lot so sometimes my DH would comment and gave me an irriatated look. Maybe your DP is not really'disgusted' but more annoyed because seems you do complain to him that you eat too much chocolates but you seem not being able to restrain yourself? I would not think too much about his comments and don't lose sleep over it. My DH does not even apologise for commenting on my eating habit to be honest. Also you are only size 6-8 so don't stress over eating chocolates once in a while.

Original poster

Allypally12 · 18/02/2021 08:12

Morning all,

I’m not the poster with the boyfriend who grabbed the tummy.

I have been going on about not eating so much. But he said it in a mean way, not a helpful way.

I was tired last night. I’m ok today. I haven’t spoken to him about it as I slept in DDs room with her last night as the wind woke her up.

I’m not going to talk to him about it today. It was a dick move, but I’ll move on. I don’t expect to be criticised as an autonomous adult and it pissed me off. I reacted badly.

Oh, and last bit, I added my size for context. I know eating chocolate isn’t good for me, but I exercise and eat healthily. It’s my only vice, and times are very hard at the moment.

OP posts:

Sciurus83 · 18/02/2021 08:17

I don't think he did anything wrong

RB68 · 18/02/2021 08:25

might have been better for him to look for the reason and maybe try and alleviate some of the pressures you are under at the moement. Its clearly not a weight issue etc so wonder why he felt he had the right to be so critical in his approach

WeKnowFrogsGoShaLaLaLaLa · 18/02/2021 08:27

Youve been going on about not eating chocolate. He reminded you it was your second bar - probably as he knew you'd guilt yourself over it.

If this is truly the first time he's done something like this then you're massively overreacting- especially as he realised and apologised straight away. Maybe he thought tough love was the right way to support but thought better of it.

It does feel like he's getting the brunt of your inability to curb your need for chocolate tbh.

combatbarbie · 18/02/2021 09:41

OP he was being a dick, I too am a chocolate junkie and my diet is generally healthy and balanced for main meals too. Caution though, my metabolism caught up with me in my late 30s! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Out of interest, what size is he? Does he gain weight easily, could it be jealousy?

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