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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why am I reflecting

15 replies

TakeTimeForU · 17/02/2021 23:10

Partner has been sent a message by a lad saying he is looking for his father and that it might be him. My BF can’t remember the timeline and is keen for a dna test. He hasn’t suggested this yet but has asked for the details of the female involved years ago to have a chat with her. I am fully supportive of my partner and not going to judge him for his past. He said he will pay for the dna test but we are watching our spend and I just don’t think he should offer to pay and that the lads mother should pay and my partner give half of it comes back that he is. I think the mother should contribute the other half aswell. I’m worried this could be a scam. My partner is in shock as this male is 24. My partner hasn’t shown me the messages. I wonder if there’s more to this. He has 2 children already. We don’t have any together. I feel unsettled And have been a little quiet. Am I being silly.

OP posts:
CoRhona · 17/02/2021 23:59

I wouldn't think this was a scam - either it'll be negative, in which case it's money well spent - or it'll be positive, in which case it's money well spent.

I assume your partner wants to know?

OddshoesOddsocks · 18/02/2021 00:00

I think that if your DP wants a DNA test then he should pay for it.

What would the scam be? If he organises and pays for the test and it comes back negative then it ends there, if it comes back positive then there’s no scam surely?

Original poster
TakeTimeForU · 18/02/2021 00:02

I don’t know, could ask for the money upfront then never to be seen. Could also say the same thing to many other males on social media. I will have to wait and see what happens. I’ve told him to give the lads mother a call to discuss

OP posts:
covetingthepreciousthings · 18/02/2021 00:03

Your partner has said he'll pay for a DNA test and he wants to take one, so I think YABU to suggest he shouldn't and to suggest the mother should pay instead.

If it turns out it's positive a DNA test will work out as barely any money in comparison to what the mother will have spent in 24 years.

I don't think it'll be a scam, I can't see how it would benefit anyone, if you DH arranges the DNA test.

gnashingsalt · 18/02/2021 00:04

How would it be a scam?
As an aside, why do you refer to these people as ‘the female’ and ‘this male’ rather then ‘woman’ or ‘man’?

SandyY2K · 18/02/2021 00:05

Before a DNA test, I'd be asking more questions about the mum.

Name
Location
Did his mum tell him who his dad was.

Could he speak to the mum and get more information?

Original poster
TakeTimeForU · 18/02/2021 00:08

@ covetingthepreciousthings o didn’t say she should pay I said she should go halves. I agree we definitely need more info before any cash is paid out!
The has not said much but said a few people have mentioned my partners name. My partner is trying to back track.

OP posts:
Original poster
TakeTimeForU · 18/02/2021 00:09

In regards to it being a scam, just being open i. That not all is always what it seems.

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 18/02/2021 00:10

Well the answer is clearly, not to give money up front.

If your BF wants the test and is paying for it he gets the necessary, hair or whatever, from the young man, puts it together with his (your BF) sample, sends it off and gets it returned to his own address.

Obbydoo · 18/02/2021 00:10

I'm very confused by your logic. Why on earth would the mother pay? If the son is 24 it's between him and your partner, it's of no relevance to the mother.

Pumpkinpied · 18/02/2021 00:19

Why on earth should the mother pay, even half? Imagine how much he’s saved in child support payments if it turns out to be his son.

Teapotsandtablecloths · 18/02/2021 00:50

The mother shouldn't have to pay, its not her asking to find out.

DP should pay or go halves with the potential son.

BluePeterVag · 18/02/2021 01:01

Both of them buy an Ancestry DNA test themselves. See if they get a match for parent child relationship. Then any other potential offspring can always ask them to submit their DNA to the same company and it will come up a match, or not.
Having seen many Long Lost Family episodes, if there is a match, a counsellor is a good idea on both sides to help them work on their relationship.

Meggymoo777 · 18/02/2021 01:23

Really don't get why money is coming into this to be honest... in my area it's max £200 - surely that money is irrelevant if your BF wants to know he has a son. And I agree with PPs, the Mum should not be footing this bill. I'm sure your BF has spent more on a weekend away? Surely it's a small price to pay to find out if he has a child???

Don't get the scam but either... your BF can order a the DNA kit and contribute all of that, if it come back negative, that's the end. If it comes back positive then the son is an adult and can't 'scam' anything out of your BF?

This whole thing is very strange and the fact you've not seen the communication is more strange... why has your BF not shared all the details of this life changing news with you?

SqeakyHindge · 18/02/2021 01:31

Did the lad not give any details about his mum when he contacted your boyfriend?

The lad is an adult so why would the mum go halves, I think you BF should pay even more so that he can’t remember timeline.

The lads mother may no longer even be alive or doesn’t know that lad contacted your bf.

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