To think I’ll have disordered eating forever

[MaybeInAnotherLife]

I’m 40 and I’ve suffered from disordered eating in various forms since I was 12. In that time I’ve had anorexia, bulimia (vomiting + compulsive exercise) and binge eating disorder. I’ve been very thin and very fat.

I’ve attended OA and had therapy (talking and CBT), I’ve addressed my issues and have a high degree of insight into, and self awareness of, my destructive behaviours.

And yet I still do it. You wouldn’t think it to look at me. I project a calm and capable image (apparently!). Am currently a healthy weight and have been for several years. Most of the time I manage to hold my eating at check and keep the demons at bay. It’s fucking exhausting and I’m so, so tired of it. I hate lockdown. My positive strategies are falling apart as they are based on the routine of working outside the home. I’m WFH at the mo, plus homeschooling as a single parent and I’m hanging on to my eating sanity by my fingernails. Today has been a bad day in a succession of bad food days. I feel numb.

I hate being like this.... I try so hard to do all the things I’m ‘supposed’ to do - plan meals, get exercise, go for walks, practice mindfulness etc. None of it is helping at the moment.

I’ll never beat this, will I? It’s been 25 years and it’s always there in the background.

Oh it’s so hard I’m sorry - I think it’s like addiction- it’s something you always have even if you don’t actively do it - I’m a recovered anorexic and over exerciser - I never stop really - I ignore my body now and don’t really take pleasure in food - I often eat the same meal for days - but this lick down is making all our mental health worse so please reach out for support in real life x

Lock down ffs

Sounds so hard OP. Is there anything particular that trigger or calms it?

I’m always more vulnerable to it when I’m feeling low and lockdown is taking its toll. Not much RL support and my GP surgery has basically said there’s nothing they can do - I don’t want antidepressants and I’m not bad enough to refer to mental health services. The wait would be gargantuan anyway

I understand what you are saying @MaybeInAnotherLife .

I have never been anorexic or bulimic but I have battled weight all my life.
I am now morbidly obese and at my wit's end.

I take fluoxetine but I just can't get to grips with what I need to do.
I have gained 2.5 stone since March. My self esteem is rock bottom but no one in real life knows how desperate I feel.

If things were normal I would be at Drs but I feel too embarrassed given what people are going through that I can't get a grip on my eating habits.
There is an eternal negative dialogue going on in my head.

I can understand this OP.in my 20s I was hospitalised due to anorexia that took me 18 months to recover then wen the dc were born and we were short of money I stopped eating again.
It is hard.Im lucky that lockdown has given me time to make food for myself as I normally get home at 1030pm and resort to crisps or a yoghurt.
I doubt you will always cope this way it is difficult at the moment.
Maverick66 do you mind me asking what drives you to comfort eat.Dont answer if this is too rude I try to help my dh lose weight and my dm is morbidly obese and much as I had to sort myself out or I would die my dm lives with the consequences of being larger, ill health,etc.and I've always wondered why she continues to over eat.

Hi @whatisforteamum

I would have issues that have caused me to have depression all my life .

I try not to say suffer with depression because even though I have had depression all my life I can't actually admit to it. I have a voice in my head that keeps telling me to power through and if you knew me in real life you would have no idea I have depression.
It's something I have hidden from people all my life .....even from my adult children. They know I take an antidepressant but have no idea how bad I feel. They have never seen me at my lowest. This is something only my husband (their dad) sees. No matter how awful I feel I just don't want anyone to know . I don't want that to be the 'thing' they think of when they think of me. Even my husband who I have been married to over 30 years has no idea how truly awful I feel.

So I guess that is why I comfort eat ...I

Aww bless you.I can understand as I have dreadful anxiety so comfort starve in a way and low self esteem so cook for everyone else and put myself last.
Many people think I'm opinionated and forward.I think my dm feels lonely so treats herself with food.Tricky isn't it.

Treating with food is definitely a thing for me.
I don't smoke or drink and use food as a crutch.🤷‍♀️

I get it. I've been diagnosed with most eating disorders at various points in my life and have had disordered eating habits for 25 years. I am under the care of a psychiatrist and we only ever talk about 'remission' rather than 'recovery'. Some days/weeks/months are better than others and some are worse. I understand why I do it and I understand my triggers but it's probably too much a part of me to change. I just accept it for what it is and try to stay healthy(ish). I fully expect to relapse at some point but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. One day at a time.

No advice, but solidarity and understanding. I get it.

When I turned 30 last year, it struck me that disordered eating / eating disorders have been with me in various different forms and severities for literally half my life.

I realised that from that point on, I'd have been living with it for longer than I'd ever been without it. It's hard to see how you'll ever recover when it feels like you can't even remember what it was like before.

When I’m in a destructive cycle, punishing myself with either too much or not enough food is my way of self harming. Other times, I thrive on the ‘high’ I get from fasting and relish the control. Last year, I went 5 days without eating anything. I just wanted to see if I could do it. Sometimes, I think ‘fuck it’ and just eat what I want. It’s all very complex. Sometimes my destructive eating patterns are tied to big issues like self esteem/stress. Other times I just do it because I can.

Still. Today has been a better day. I’ve had a sensible breakfast and lunch and have planned a decent evening meal. One day at a time and all that.

I feel just the same OP. 30 years of anorexia, bulimia (not for long and a long time ago now) and compulsive over eating and I am just so tired of it. I had a major anorexia relapse about 6 years ago and ‘recovered’ with twice weekly therapy for 3 years. I know why I do it, I know why it’s a stupid plan and where it always leads, but still I keep doing it. I’m currently at the higher end of ‘normal’ but god knows how because I just eat and eat. And at some point the switch will flick and I will not eat, and then back again and again and again.

At least we are still here. A lot of people like us died along the way 🙁

At least we are still here. A lot of people like us died along the way.

True. 😕

@MaybeInAnotherLife
Great that you have had a good day today

Maybeinanotherlife I can cut back on eating too.i find it quite easy to deny myself anything.I bet you are strong willed too like myself.
I have never over eaten though and don't really understand it so much.Glad to still be here after I almost didn't make 23.my parents were told my organs could fail in a couple of weeks.Scary times.

Thank you @Maverick66 How has today been for you? I’m sorry that you’re not able to share how you feel with your husband. That must be really hard.

No advice OP but you aren't alone. I've been bulimic on and off for 15 years and I can't seem to beat it.
I actually lasted 6 months from lockdown #1 without binging and purging (I think I just had so much going on that I knew I couldn't face living with bulimia too), and I actually thought I was cured. But then suddenly I had one bad day at work, I was home alone and binged and purged, since then I'm back to doing it once a week.
That's much better compared to where I was a few years ago but I hate how awful and scared it makes me feel afterwards.

I understand op. I'm 40 now and have had a problem with binge eating for a very long time - at least 30 years. I don't know what the answer is but just wanted to show solidarity

@MaybeInAnotherLife

Hope today was good for you .
My husband knows about my depression and reasons for it and is always willing to listen but I try not to burden him I just feel it's something that I need to cope with and not inflict on others. It's just how I deal with things.

Thank you for sharing and your kindness.

I'll always have disordered eating.
I'll never eat a meal and not feel guilty or the urge to purge.
I'll never be happy with my body.

But I've come to terms with above and I just make sure that I dont throw up or over exercise. That's my response to this fight.