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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inlaws

19 replies

Suzieab123 · 17/02/2021 19:42

Hi I just wanted an outsiders perspective on something that’s been bothering me over the years.

MIL is very difficult and controlling. When eldest was born she would come into my home using spare key and would come around 3 times a day. I posted about this when it was happening under a different username and got the courage to speak to her after overwhelming responses to do so. If anyone remembers the outcome was not good - she turned everyone in the family against me. She cried and told everyone I was trying to separate baby from her. I once had a cordial relationship with DH’s siblings but they turned against me too. They even told DH he was under my thumb.

Reason I’m posting on here is that I know once lockdown ends and life returns to normal in the future there will be times I will be put into position of having to see his sisters. My relationship with MIL and FIL is okay, I’m polite but I’m very careful with her not blurring boundaries again. She still makes digs and makes me feel like crap but for the sake of DH I ignore. What I cannot ignore is how his sisters treated me fully knowing what life with a newborn is like and having to deal with their mother on top of that. They could have tried to see how crazy it is having anyone come into my home anytime of the day and criticise everything I was doing. When I would feed my baby she would just take her off me. Literally take her not ask or say let me hold her. Just walk in and grab her off me. I suffered from bad depression as I felt I wasn’t her mother but MIL was.

The times I’ve seen his sisters before lockdown I was overly nice and chatty. I hate myself for doing that but I tend to get nervous and over compensate and I hate atmospheres so I was way over the top lovely. I feel angry that I was so nice! Over lockdown I’ve been harder on myself and having flashbacks of everything that kicked off when my eldest was born and few incidences after that. How should I be when and if I do see them next?

Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:

LouiseTrees · 17/02/2021 19:58

Do the fake smiles but if they have their own kids and so much as say they miss them when they are at grand or anything remotely related then let rip.

underneaththeash · 17/02/2021 20:13

Does she still have a key OP, if so, you need to change the locks for a start and that will make you more secure in your own home.

With his sisters it's different. Maybe they liked their mother coming in every day when they had children, =, it's different when it's your MIL compared to your mother.

Cadent · 17/02/2021 20:16

YANBU. It sounds like you’re taking a lot of crap from MIL and SILs for DH’s sake.

Why isn’t DH supporting you?

I would be coldly polite to SILs, no more.

Thomasina79 · 17/02/2021 20:43

Yes, change the locks, her coming in and behaving the way she did was an outrageous invasion of privacy. Do you have to see the sisters if you don’t want to? I think I would just go out, or go upstairs if I knew they were coming.

Your DH should be supporting you

LilQueenie · 17/02/2021 20:46

The issue is with your DH. Either he steps up to support you or you need to make the decision over whether to stay with him at all. You are still having flashbacks which seems to me nothing has really changed.

Original poster

Suzieab123 · 17/02/2021 21:20

Thank you for your responses. Sorry was just having a bit of a hard time processing everything so just wanted to just put it out there. Yes she still has the key but doesn’t use it. SIL not close to DH at all or even their mother but when there’s a function we have to pretend we’re all best friends which I find really fake.

OP posts:

combatbarbie · 17/02/2021 21:32

You don't have to fake anything. You are well within your rights to go low or no contact. DH can attend family events on his own with the kids.

I would def be changing the lock, once normality resumes the old routine may too.

StoneofDestiny · 17/02/2021 21:39

Crikey, change the locks immediately.
Ignore the lot of them.
Stand up to your MIL - tell her, your house, your child, and you won't accept anything but positive behaviour around you.
Tell you DH he needs to tell them to back off

missrm · 17/02/2021 21:42

You don't need their approval! Fuck them. She sounds like a proper nightmare..

lazylump72 · 17/02/2021 21:47

Your dh should be standing up to all of them and telling them and demanding they respect you as his wife.He should have your back at all times and should say for example well when xxx said that she was right it was a joint decision we made to gether so theres no point what so ever being angry with her as it was my decision also. He should not be putting you in any position where you are taking the blame and being abused,If you cant bear to face the extended family then dont.It is fine to say no I will not be treated like this it is not ok so you go to the event but leave me out of it.You do not owe them anything and are under no obligation to see or hear from them if you dont want to.My dh would say no one speaks to my wife like that ever..either apologise right now or get lost.That is what you need from your dh too..it goes a long way.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/02/2021 21:50

Never, ever fake anything. Be polite but detached, and keep your distance whenever possible. You don't owe any of them a damn thing. Let your husband deal with them.

yvanka · 17/02/2021 22:43

She still makes digs and makes me feel like crap

That's not ok, you do not have to put up with it. Tell DH when she upsets you so he can tell her off, she's his problem to deal with.

If you only see SILs at big functions can you not just avoid them?

Cocolapew · 17/02/2021 22:47

Fuck that, I'd have nothing to do with any of them.

Mary46 · 17/02/2021 22:55

God op awful behaviour. Yes would change locks. Stricter boundaries going forward. Low contact with them. My mil is a dream. My mother can be hard work. Families are unreal.

ItsDinah · 17/02/2021 23:01

Treat them like a job in a service industry where you have to deal with unpleasant customers. They don't have to like you. All you have to do is keep acting like an adult with a civil tongue and you win. Don't beat yourself up about being nice to your SILs. MILs digs- does your DH notice them and ask her if she means to be so rude? If they are offensive, tell them so and walk away.

yoyo1234 · 17/02/2021 23:31

Aspects of this are me especially "overly nice and chatty. I hate myself for doing that but I tend to get nervous and over compensate and I hate atmospheres so I was way over the top lovely. I feel angry that I was so nice! Over lockdown I’ve been harder on myself and having flashbacks of everything"

I had a horrendous experience at a former place of work. Management I felt lied and bullied, I never stood up for myself -here I would be a bit quiet when scared/shocked ( what I replay is what I wish I had said/acted but never would as do not generally like to upset) . I see them around on walks and feel nauseous and lockdown makes this worse. Do you have someone to talk to ( my DH is great with me, he thinks I have PTSD from it and I also have a great friend I am opening up to more). having to see the people you are talking about I can imagine would make you feel nauseous.

justilou1 · 17/02/2021 23:49

Have you thought of using what's left of lockdown to do the Freedom Programme and use these techniques when you have to deal with his family?

BluebellsGreenbells · 17/02/2021 23:58

The problem here is that because you didn’t tow the line it meant the other family members got it in the neck and may have silently agreed with you but nodded along with her- thus putting them in an awkward position at social gatherings. Unfortunately MIL is the stronger player!!

People are sheep and want a quiet life and duck out of standing up for themselves let alone others

Cherrysoup · 17/02/2021 23:59

Get the key back from her. It will feel symbolic.

She is only your mil, she is not your employer or in charge of you. When lockdown ends, maintain your boundaries, do not let her encroach on your life again in this way.

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