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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Playing games with DCs

30 replies

theuncles · 16/02/2021 22:50

AIBU? DH is quite competitive at games and doesn't believe in 'letting them win'. DCs are early secondary school. DS has ASD and is by no means stupid, but sometimes struggles with understanding things, and can get a bit upset when he's stressed.

DH is pretty good at draughts - which is a game where it's more about skill then luck. Mostly we play other games where luck plays a part, so we all get a chance to win - such as card games, ludo etc. Other things like Cluedo and Monopoly are also fine. But DH likes to play draughts and will never give an inch with the kids - he feels they need to learn by their mistakes. His Dad 'never let him win' so he thinks it's fine.

Last night he played with DS (12) for about 3 hours, and I was busy elsewhere but every time I came into the room DS was upset or crying, or trying not to cry. DH was trying to teach him how not to make the mistakes that were making him lose, but DS kept saying 'I don't want your advice I want to do it myself'. I tried to intervene but DH said he used to get upset at that age too - ha ha!

I have to admit that neither DD or I bother playing DH as we will lose so what's the point. It's a binary game - you win or you don't. But surely a caring Dad would let their child win a few times to give them the incentive to carry on? Or would at least pretend a few bad moves to let them think they were doing well? It's not all about lecturing? DS is really only just learning the game.

Or should he teach them the hard knocks approach from the start? I agree they need to learn to lose, but isn't there a balance? I have to say it broke my heart to see DS so upset - and DD said later that she stopped playing with him years ago for the same reason....

I mentioned it to him tonight (not the first time) but he just shrugged.

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 16/02/2021 23:32

Your poor ds. I play Connect 4 etc with my granddaughter and l push her a little bit to increase her ability but sometimes l ignore a totally obvious opportunity to win just so she can go in for the kill.
It has to be fun.
As a family we played a lot of games with my dad and he expected concentration and effort but as he was an absolute shark none of us would have ever won if he played his best.
Try to get your dh to see it's a balance..fun vs increasing competency and concentration. That's his job as a father to do both not one sided.
He will be sorry when ds refuses to play any more and that moment is gone.

sonnysunshine · 16/02/2021 23:36

It depends on how bad the ASD is. I almost never let myDC win (from about aged 9) mainly because by that she they can beat me at lots of games so it works out fair. DS1 has ASD but this means he is quite obsessional and gets good at games and can whoop me lots!

sonnysunshine · 16/02/2021 23:36

She = age

LouiseTrees · 16/02/2021 23:37

Your DS seems a good boy. 3 hours playing a game he never wins and doesn’t make him happy. He is obviously trying very hard to impress dad and to work it out himself. Perhaps you could tell your DH not to play against him though but instead they could work together versus a computer simulator

bridgetreilly · 16/02/2021 23:41

He doesn't need to let DS win, but he absolutely should not be beating his kid at the game for 3 hours straight. Play one or two games of draughts and then move on to something else. And yes, let DS play draughts on the computer to improve.

FabulousIAm · 16/02/2021 23:41

Your husband is an arsehole - you don't try to change someone who is autistic you understand them and change what you do to suit them. It is absolutely abhorrent that he has acted towards his child like this when he knows they are autistic.

Wanderlust20 · 16/02/2021 23:44

My mother never let us win - and now my brother and I are so competitive! In my brother's case, to a ridiculous degree so I'm not convinced it's the right approach...

FabulousIAm · 16/02/2021 23:45

Why would you be with a man that treated your child like this? Children come first no matter what. I will never understand anyone who is in a relationship with anyone who treats their children less than the marvels they are. Your husband is sickening and abusive and needs to be told he is a twat then left alone so he doesn't teat anyone else like he has. How dare anyone treat a child, especially an autistic child like that.

Leeds2 · 16/02/2021 23:48

My dad never let me win either. I grew up ok and, once I could win, I knew it was a genuine win.
I didn't used to let my DD win either. She didn't want me to, from quite a young age. We don't really play games anymore (she is 22) bu I bet she would beat me nowadays.
I wouldn't have played for 3 hours and never let her win though. That seems quite mean. I would be worried if my 12 year old was crying after losing a game. I also don't really think draughts is a game of skill.

Love51 · 16/02/2021 23:57

I'm quite competitive. My 9 yo is amazing at a particular game,and I really enjoy playing it against her as I have to push myself and even then I may not win. I enjoy being totally focused. However when they were younger I used to play other games in a more "relaxed" way. Often it wasn't fun for me, it was about having a opportunity to connect with the child and also to teach them the rules of playing games (not just the particular rules, but the general ones of sitting through other people's turns, and handling defeat).
You DH is in danger of sacrificing the connection with his son at the altar of pure enjoyment of the game (as it is meant to be played, with ruthless competitiveness). Perhaps he could get the game playing enjoyment elsewhere?
As soon as I'm allowed I'm off round my mums, I so rarely beat her at Scrabble but when I do I'm so proud. Balance -she used to "help" us when we were children. A couple if competitive games with mum will see me through interminable games with my 7 year old who has the vocabulary of, well, a seven year old (no, Pokémon names do not count...)

Norwaydidnthappen · 16/02/2021 23:58

I don’t let mine win because learning to lose is an important life skill. My younger brother used to throw board games across the room if he lost and my Mum would blame me for not letting him win and make me tidy it up. Never really forgave her for that shit parenting tbh.

isitsummertimeyet · 17/02/2021 01:27

your hubby sounds a nob

I love playing games with my lads and though they are only 9 and 4 I don't win all the time or its no fun for them, i prefer to see their faces light up as they beat Dad than me lording my experience over them..

LTB immediately

rockingchairhero · 17/02/2021 01:34

My dad never let me win. I appreciated it so much. It meant I got good at games (including draughts). It also put me way ahead of my peers at being a good sport about losing. I was quite shocked to see teenagers throwing fits when they lost. It was abnormal to me!

I will teach my kids. I will not let them win. If they want to win, they need to learn how to win. You can't truly experience the highs unless you experience the lows. Crosses over to many aspects of life.

SilverBirchWithout · 17/02/2021 01:36

Enjoy the day when DS eventually beats him - it sounds like he will eventually if he’s so determined to keep playing with such horrible behaviour from DH.
I wonder how DH will react 😂
By the time our DS was about 14 he beat us both at nearly every game - he is now kindly patronising when we do fairly well and don’t lose by too much!
Unfortunately your DH’s behaviour is not teaching DS how to be kind or thoughtful to other people, perhaps this what you need to explain to DH?

Symbion · 17/02/2021 01:39

I don't think I've played to lose since my autistic child was about 5, but only because he is so damned good at most games. I need to concentrate to make sure he doesn't win all the time.

I think your husband should find a different way to even things up. Maybe he starts with fewer pieces or your DS gets 3 extra goes, to use at a time of his choosing. Loser of the last game gets to go first, if that's an advantage. Some sort of points handicapping system, or your husband has to win by a particular margin or in a certain number of moves for it to count. Your son needs to feel victory but that doesn't need to involve your DH lying to him.

There's an Outnumbered episode where Ben is playing chess against his dad and grandma. You should watch it with your DH.

wirldsgonemad · 17/02/2021 01:42

@isitsummertimeyet

your hubby sounds a nob

LTB immediately

I agree with this

Symbion · 17/02/2021 01:46

And btw, that was really impressive of your son to keep going for 3 hours, losing solidly! Most kids his age wouldn't manage that. Mine loses a lot at his hobby but there's a handicap system, which helps, and lots of other targets they can focus on to keep things positive.

Zevia · 17/02/2021 01:50

To he honest, I think by 12 years old you're usually well past the 'letting them win' stage, particularly if they're trying to learn a more complex game like draughts (where you probably learn more from your losses than your wins).

I think most 12 year olds would appreciate that, if someone has been playing a game of skill for decades, they'll probably be better than someone who has only just started to learn.

Maybe your DH could do a better job of not letting DS wind himself up though.

Oneweekleft · 17/02/2021 07:18

I agree with you OP. Isnt the whole point of these games with our children to bond with them? When someone becomes upset it's not fun anymore. Id either let Ds win a few games or play for only a short time. It seems egotistical to me for the parent to refuse to lose a game. If your dh will not do this though maybe you should suggest that your son has a break after half an hour or so of playing. It doesnt seem healthy for him to be playing for that long and getting worked up.

SilenceIsNoLongerSuspicious · 17/02/2021 07:26

My lovely dad plays chess with dd - they talk over the pros and cons of each move, he points out things she might not have spotted, and that way she both enjoys it and learns. It’s what he did for me, and I think it’s the right way to go. (I’m still rubbish at chess).

GaraMedouar · 17/02/2021 07:32

He sounds like ‘competitive dad’ character - I think he was in ‘The Fast Show’ who kept thrashing his son at say a swimming race in the pool! Not the way to do it - your poor DS.

StandAndDelivery · 17/02/2021 07:50

@FabulousIAm

Dad beats son at draughts repeatedly, admittedly a bit over the top and he might need to learn when to give his son a break and not overdo it, but is it really sickening and abusive?! Is a twat and should be left alone, and kids left with no dad around, because there are no redeeming qualities that could possibly outweigh losing at a game?!

Feel like "abuse" as a term should be reserved for stuff a little more serious...

Original poster

theuncles · 17/02/2021 23:15

Thanks for the comments. Opinions seem mixed which is interesting.

LTB is definitely OTT - DH is a great Dad and honestly not abusive or controlling, although we may have differing views on some aspects of parenting.... I did have words with him again after I posted last night and he said he would try to be less 'mean'.

Tonight I came in from the kitchen late-ish to find them playing again, and they'd clearly been playing for some time. DS seemed happy and said he had won one game. DH went to bed before they did so I haven't had a chance to ask the details, but perhaps he did decide to cut him some slack?

Either way - it's an interesting debate I think. Some PPs have supported DH's view that you should learn how to win, and my DCs do feel that I think. DD played with a row of draughts removed and then built up to the full set as she felt more competent. But it broke my heart to see DS so upset, yet still determined to keep trying (and refusing help....).

I think my view is that it should be fun when young, and should be an achievable goal at whatever age. If you really can't win on a level playing field then fewer counters as you learn, or a handicap, seems sensible.

Hopefully DH did listen and did give DS a bit of leeway - I'll find out tomorrow. DS was certainly a much happier boy tonight!

OP posts:

Original poster

theuncles · 17/02/2021 23:26

@LouiseTrees

Also - loving this idea. DS is very computer savvy though DH and I less so, so it never occurred to me, But it sounds like a brilliant idea, thanks!

OP posts:

BluebellsGreenbells · 17/02/2021 23:32

Maybe your son needs to set up some boundaries and you give him the chance to walk away when he’s upset?

He doesn’t have to play, he doesn’t have to entertain his dad. He can say no. Just like your DD did.

I ‘never’ let them win, and I tell them that! So when they beat me they believe it’s a fair game. They need to build proper confidence and an adult ‘letting’ them win won’t cut it.

There’s ways of doing it to help them learn the skills.

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