Are there other kids out there not coping with lockdown?

[fatface001]

Hi, I’m posting here for traffic I worried about my six-year-old ds. He is an only child but during lockdown/homeschooling is never left alone, I look after him whilst my DH works and vice versa. Not a stressful household he gets lots of playing and attention from us. He does have some sensory overload issues which we are working on, however his behaviour has changed dramatically over the last month. He is very emotional crying and shouting all the time, especially when he doesn’t get his own way. Before this he was an emotional child but polite and nice and generally got on with children very well. I think the absence of socialising has really had affect on him. We have seen two of his classmates recently in the playground and on both occasions it has resulted in him having huge meltdowns, screaming, crying charging round because the children weren’t doing what he wanted. I am doing everything I can to address this before school starts. Aibu To think this is all down to lockdown? Are there other families out there seeing a change in behaviour in their children?

I could have written your post. My 9yr old DC has turned in to a whiny, crying, back answering nightmare! She isn’t usually like this at all.
The slightest thing upsets her . If she hears the word “no” it sends her to the floor in a true toddler style tantrum .

I became quite concerned last week when she declared her snuggly she’s had forever , was ‘real’ and her best friend. She was saving it seats at the dinner table and feeding it food completely out of character for her . When teen DS pointed out it wasn’t real she was distraught and declared that it’s the only friend she has

We have followed all of the rules throughout, haven’t seen any family since March 2020 but that was the final straw for me. We had half term last week and I took her to meet up outside with a friend on a couple of different occasions. I tried to keep them apart but at one point they hugged and I couldn’t bring myself to tell them to stop .

I feel bad I’ve broken the ‘Rulz’ but my DC hasn’t seen another child in months and I feel her mood was constantly low. I did what I felt was ok .

I won't flame you. I think you did was OK, and no more dangerous than what those children who have been attending school as KW kids will have been doing.

I took my 6 year old for a walk with her friend and they asked to hug as we said goodbye.
Myself and her mum looked at each awkwardly and did the well its ok with
Me if its ok with you worried dance. They did a three second hug and were told 'not to lick each other'. Not ideal but they needed it. So no flaming here.

I hear you OP. I've noticed a definite change in 5yo DS behaviour since he finished school in December. Getting upset/emotional over little things that wouldn't have bothered him before, shouting, telling me he hates me, he's even started to hit himself when he's frustrated. He's not an only child but DD is only 11 weeks old, so he doesn't have anyone his own age to play/socialise with and I sometimes just can't give him all the attention he wants and needs. I'm really crossing my fingers that schools reopen in March!

My kids are struggling....my 9yr old especially. She misses her friends, school, normality. Like we all are really. She has been very emotional and playing up a lot.

We broke the rules by meeting my mum and dad the other day, it was needed by everyone. My daughter, who is very, very close to my dad was a lot better after seeing them.

It's so hard on them this lockdown and I do think they are being forgotten about a lot.

Thanks for your reply IgglePigglesGiggles, it helps knowing that other people are experiencing similar behaviour in their children. I’m worried about what is causing the change in his behaviour and whether it’s anxiety driven. I’ve tried talking to him but at 6 he will only talk about what he’s feeling in that moment.
We have done the same as you in following all the rules, however in the last few weeks we have also met a couple of friends outside. We know the families and know that they are all following the rules too. Me and my DH felt like the risk was limited versus the benefit to our DS.

I completely identify with this - our 5 year old DS has been really struggling. Misses family, misses friends, misses routine. We got him into school on a KW place for three days per week when I returned from maternity leave but, if I’m honest, that has highlighted how unusual things are the rest of the time for him.

We have regression behaviours here (eg naughtiness more like that of a 3 year old, throwing stuff, etc), lots of hitting/kicking, especially when we say no to something, lots of rudeness, defiance/histrionics, shouting, etc. And more unusual play behaviours - he’s stopped playing with a lot of his old favourites and we had at least a week where he wouldn’t play with any toys (and not because he was playing on an iPad or anything, he doesn’t have access to anything beyond the family TV).

I really feel for him but at the same time, it is very hard to live with and we don’t seem to be able to help him. We find a routine and lots of walks/fresh air help a bit....

Op I completely understand
It is not surprising the reacted like that in the playground, I am sure it is the way most adults will act on their first night back out. Overwhelmed . But he can't process it as a young child so acted out. I don't think there is too much you can do before school returns no matter what you say his behaviour will be regulated by his peers.
My just turned 6 yo is a nightmare she has a younger sister who is non verbal.
She acts in a way I would bit have believed 12 months ago. I am ignoring the bad praising the good and repeating that no matter what she does I will always love her.i find this takes the wind out of her sails.
I have been speaking to the parents of the children in my class this week and all have reported difficulties.

We had been doing ok but dc have started to struggle in the last week or so. 9 year old, tantrums, temper fits, not eating well at meals, taking forever to fall asleep (now in our bed). We're all knackered and thoroughly fed up. I worry that schools won't go back for the social side loss for kids. Sad and scared.

I have DD 9 and 6. My 9 year old has turned into a baby almost, she walks around hugging her Teddy bear and talking to it like it's real. My 6 year old has withdrawn completely, she refuses to do any school work and cries a lot.

I managed to get a key worker place starting after the holidays, im just praying it will help them both.

@fatface001 my 6yo is displaying v v similar behaviours. She's escalating bad behaviour seemingly on purpose to get a reaction then saying how we hate her etc when punish or tell her off. And she can't cope with her little sister if she won't play exactly as she wants. DD2 has ended up saying she'll do exactly what she wants just to be allowed to play with her.

It's comforting to know we're all in similar situations. My 9 year old DD is also struggling, saying she's really stressed and now saying she doesn't want to go back to school in case she's behind with work. Also defiant behaviour and rudeness.

Misses playdates desperately, although chats on phone to her friends, it's not the same.
I think she's picking up ony work stress (juggling home schooling and full time job) so I need to try and stay calm myself, however it's hard.

The impact this will have on children is huge and worries me a lot, really need normality soon

@CoffeeAndDryShampoo I’m so glad you mentioned the hitting behaviour. My son has always done this occasionally since he was a toddler. Now he bangs his head on a wooden chair and punches himself in the face. Not all the time but often enough to worry me. I really don’t know how to handle it. I find it intensely distressing, the behaviour, the unhappiness and the fact I can’t remove what I think the root problem is. Unfortunately we are not a calm house. Two adults WFH full time and a school timetable that although excellent is time bound when both our jobs are too. First week the cat was smothered in ‘love’, she’s not a people cat she hated this so the imaginary friend came next. Thank god he only lasted a few days. We then have tears and the punching when he sees classmates on Teams calls and when the teacher asks about what fun activities the kids have done - normally none cos it’s hard to support art/PE/cooking whilst on work calls. He also built himself a ‘sad cave’ to hide in and hasn’t slept in his own bed since last March. He’s 7, year 3. Missed out on going back for any of the summer term last year so I’m hoping UK don’t follow Scotland with only R, 1 and 2 going back 8th March. In the first few weeks we went through the questions about why his friends were in school and he couldn’t be, now he just says his life is awful.

And if anyone has any advice on the hurting himself please share. I would normally try to ignore an undesirable behaviour however I can’t stand by and let him cause real harm. My mind is leaping ahead here to a lifetime of self harm being a way to manage emotion and frustration.

Gah - can see I put UK when I meant England there!

My DD (now 10) was terrible during the first lockdown. Really terrible behaviour: hitting etc, clingy and reluctant to do anything without me. Better now because, I think, she is used to it now which oddly I find almost more depressing.

Worryingly she was desperate to go back to school last April/May, now says she doesn’t want to and prefers being at home. I almost preferred it when she was visibly distressed by it: I find the acquiescence alarming.

@Zolrets all I can do is give him a hug and try and ask him why he's so upset but given his age its hard for him to express himself properly and it breaks my heart to think of all the pent up emotions inside him that spill over and make him punch himself in the face/stomach.

My 10yr old is really struggling. They told me there was no point trying to be happy the other night. Broke my heart. She doesn't want to FaceTime her friends any more as she says they are all boring. TV is also boring. Computer games are boring. EVERYTHING is boring.

She's an only child and not played with another child for months. Feel so sorry for her, but my god, her behaviour has challenged me!

@CoffeeAndDryShampoo 5 is very little and much though I want my boy back in school, I can see R and 1 when reading isn’t established must be super tough for home learning. The hitting is not so frequent I feel I can ask for help yet so I’m hoping it will naturally stop when he returns to school.

@Zolrets, I could be wrong as my specialism is early years SEND but I do deal with a lot of children who hit themselves or head bang and it’s usually a need for sensory input. His “sad den” is actually a good thing, he’s basically made his own dark den or sensory tent. You can decorate it with lights, cushions and heavy blankets (or buy a weighted blanket) and perhaps encourage some calming music or try one of the “Calm” type apps.

Try putting a box of fidget toys on the table during the school day, a nice parcel to open and explore would surely cheer him up and give him something to talk about on the Zoom calls if nothing else. Let him play with the fidget toys as he works whenever he wants.

By far the most important sense of the one no one knows about: proprioception. This involves the muscles and means movement and deep pressure. I know it’s hard when you’re both working, but he needs to do some sort of exercise every day, even if it’s while you work like a YouTube video or an obstacle course. Getting outside is best of course if you can. Try offering him a foot or hand or back rub or just a tight hug.

Finally, would you be happy to take a walk with one of his friends and their mum? It’s not strictly within the guidelines but sometimes it’s necessary!

Oh and I didn’t answer the question about my own child!

DS is an only child and whilst I don’t think he knows how to be naughty, he has regressed in some of his behaviours. He’s 11 and went to high school this time and suddenly became much more independent. I was sad about this but understood he was just moving on to the next phase of his life. In the last week or so, he’s become very clingy to me and while it’s nice to have my little boy back, it’s not good for him. He’s started having to sit almost on top of me or even on my knee and he keeps just putting his face right up to mine. He’s also started jumping up and down and flapping his hands which is something he hasn’t ever done before.

I have let him play out on the street with the other children as it’s cruel to expect an only child to never see any other children.

I’m lucky my oldest three are so close in age so they keep each other company. It’s not the same as mixing with friends but at least they’re not alone. My middle DC hasn’t coped very well, she struggles with anxiety at the best of times but this lockdown has just been too much for her.

My kids are starting to show effects now, after no school or proper contact with other kids since mid-December. 9-year-old DS is much more emotional recently and I'm finding it harder and harder to get him off his computer, which he wants to be on ALL day. 13-year-old DS is grumpier than normal too. This is all SO shit for DC. As an adult I'm finding it tedious and frustrating, but I'm coping. For kids though, I think it's SO damaging.

I think you'd struggle to find any child who's not struggling with this. They're being asked to do something that goes against all their instincts. It's barbaric.

@LadyCatStark thank you so much for the advice. I think I have done the OPPOSITE to what you suggest. He chews his headset (I stop him), he chews his pen (I stop him), he brings little toys and gets totally engrossed in fiddling and not listening (I take the distracting object away). Sounds like he needs the outlet. He has some proper fiddle toys so I will get them out for next week and see if they help. He does get some exercise when his dad takes him for a walk but no where near what he was getting in school.