Posting for traffic - Not sure what to do

Advic3Pl3as3 · 2021-02-16T19:42:14+00:00

Hi. I’m a long time reader/lurker but never registered/posted anything until now. I really need some realistic advice about a situation that I can’t really talk about with real life friends etc. The situation is basically that my BF has recently opened up to me that he was abused as a child/teen by his mother and I’m really unsure what to do in terms of supporting him to confront/address/deal with it. It’s clearly something that bothers him (obviously) and I want to encourage him to see a counsellor or other professional but he seems quite reluctant. I don’t really know whether to ask him more about it to try and get him talking or to leave it or what. Has anyone had experience with this sort of situation? How should I approach this? AIBU in trying to get him to deal with the lasting effect this has had on him?

Aquamarine1029 · 16/02/2021 19:45

I would let him know that you are always there to listen, and that you hope he will continue to confide in you and that you hope he will consider therapy.

Him opening up to you was probably a massive, very scary step for him, so I would tread gently for the time being. He's very lucky to have you for support.

SummerHouse · 16/02/2021 19:48

I would say just be there for him. Listen when he wants to talk but hear him when he says he doesn't want to get professional help. The more he talks the more he may become open to counseling but for now, just be his safe space. Good for him that he has you in his corner and trusts you with this.

Meme69 · 16/02/2021 19:51

Hugs. How stressful for you (and him, but in different ways). I agree, tell him if he wants to talk he can. My OH took 3 years of denial (in our relationship on top of 27 years before that) before he finally agreed to having therapy and now he's realised the impact it has had on his whole life. It took him to have a breakdown before he did though. I just kept gently suggesting it and he'd probably say he went under duress, but he a admits that it has helped him massively and even agreed to go to couples therapy a few months later so we could address the impact on our relationship.

lljkk · 16/02/2021 19:56

You can't decide his pathway, you can only support him.

It may never be best for him to get counselling; it doesn't help everyone. It will only be right for him if he wants to pursue that.

Original poster

Advic3Pl3as3 · 16/02/2021 20:05

@Aquamarine1029

I would let him know that you are always there to listen, and that you hope he will continue to confide in you and that you hope he will consider therapy.

Him opening up to you was probably a massive, very scary step for him, so I would tread gently for the time being. He's very lucky to have you for support.

Yes. It was a massive thing for him. He’s said he’s never spoken about it/told anyone before. I know it’s awful but I feel like I’m acting differently towards him because I don’t want to upset him, but feel that by doing that I’m actually inadvertently upsetting him.

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freckles20 · 16/02/2021 20:07

I think that if you can you need to offer him a listening ear. Show him how you understand how difficult it must have been for him. Maybe some gentle questions. You could also tell him you want to support him, and ask him what he needs from you.

When I opened up about a similar situation to DH he couldn't help but try to minimise it, which I found very difficult. He couldn't help it- because he couldn't get his head around what had happened. But i had hoped that he woken understand how frightening it had been.

user1654236589623652 · 16/02/2021 20:09

Look at NAPAC.

Original poster

Advic3Pl3as3 · 16/02/2021 20:09

@SummerHouse

I would say just be there for him. Listen when he wants to talk but hear him when he says he doesn't want to get professional help. The more he talks the more he may become open to counseling but for now, just be his safe space. Good for him that he has you in his corner and trusts you with this.

Thanks. He told me a few weeks ago and hasn’t said anything more since. I am starting to wonder if he regrets telling me.

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Crackerofdoom · 16/02/2021 20:12

He has taken a big step and it will have left him feeling really vulnerable. He will probably be worrying that you see him differently now and if he still has a relationship with her he may be feeling that he has betrayed her by telling you.

If it has taken him this long to tell someone he may not be ready to do anything else with it so be patient.

The most important thing is to reassure him that you still love him and don't think anything less of him. Tell him he can talk to you as much or little as he wants but that you won't push him.

It is a testament to you and your friendship that he felt able to trust you.

NibbyNobbyNooNoos · 16/02/2021 20:14

@lljkk

You can't decide his pathway, you can only support him.

It may never be best for him to get counselling; it doesn't help everyone. It will only be right for him if he wants to pursue that.

I agree completely with this

Original poster

Advic3Pl3as3 · 16/02/2021 21:12

@user1654236589623652

Look at NAPAC.

Thanks for this. Didn’t know it existed. The booklets might be helpful.

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Original poster

Advic3Pl3as3 · 16/02/2021 21:25

So what I am getting is don’t push him, don’t probe too much, don’t try to tell him what will probably help, even though it’s obvious he needs to confront it? I almost feel like I‘m ignoring it if I don’t do anything but wait for him to bring it up again though. I don’t think he will bring it up again unless I ask him about it. He didn’t even call it abuse. He said he “did things with her”. I don’t even know if he understands what it was.

I’m tiptoeing around him and it’s really awkward between us, and I really don’t want it to be like that. I realise I sound awful here and I know it’s not about me. It’s just really difficult to hear something like that and feel helpless as to how to help.

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Whysolong7 · 16/02/2021 21:32

I think as others have said. You don’t need to help and you don’t need to fix.

As hard has this is it’s a very difficult thing that he needs to process when he is ready.

It’s the biggest compliment that he has shared this with you and that maybe all he can do for now. As others have said let him know you are there for him but don’t push it change how you are just carry on.

Find someone you can talk to if you need support. Being diffident towards him may make him feel he can’t say anything else without jeopardising the relationship. Lots of people have experienced abuse, that’s not to minimise it in any way, but try not to be shocked - it’s more common than you think it’s just that people don’t always say.

Original poster

Advic3Pl3as3 · 17/02/2021 16:48

@Whysolong7

I think as others have said. You don’t need to help and you don’t need to fix.

As hard has this is it’s a very difficult thing that he needs to process when he is ready.

It’s the biggest compliment that he has shared this with you and that maybe all he can do for now. As others have said let him know you are there for him but don’t push it change how you are just carry on.

Find someone you can talk to if you need support. Being diffident towards him may make him feel he can’t say anything else without jeopardising the relationship. Lots of people have experienced abuse, that’s not to minimise it in any way, but try not to be shocked - it’s more common than you think it’s just that people don’t always say.

Thanks. I’m trying not to be different. There isn’t really anyone I can talk to because all my family and friends know him.

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