To be so fed up with life and overwhelmed and tired or do I just need to get a grip?

[Fressia123]

It all started 3 weeks ago, our 16mo had a cough, I told nursery, he had to get tested got back in the next day.

On Monday of the following week he got very poorly, his temperature started to spike (beyond 41 degrees) went to A&E eventually for better a week later.

The following week his nursery shuts down due to an outbreak.

I haven't been to get out much. My employers have told me that I should work part time but even then it's impossible.

Yesterday my smear test results came back and they're positive.

I lost my cool over no cereal left. I've been crying and shouting and screaming all day.
My DP is no help and his boss refuses to get any time off so he can help me (but he's ok with forloughing him for his other children and home school them when needed).

I literally have no help at all. I'm expected to look after the house and a screaming baby and work. Even my dog can't make me smile. My cat is asking for food and to top it all I got somehow some sort of needle pricking my finger randomly. I'm just so done with life.

Also forgot to add my car had no battery and my toilet broke down last week.

I don't think having to work is the problem, and I think I'd have to explain it all to them (maybe I don't) but I don't think in the grand scheme of things it wouldn't make any difference.

For better or for worse my DP has told everything at work (that I'm working PT ATM) so they genuinely don't see the need for him to be here. And I don't think he wants to tell them I'm on the verge of a lockdown. They also have an issue about it being during half term (I still don't get what the problem is).

Im obviously overwhelmed and things like the baby crying trigger me, but the. Again DP can't see why it's just now that I'm reacting this way when most of my problems have been solved.and the test is just a very first step of something that could.mean nothing.

He knows the biggest help.would.be for him to stay but he says he can't give me that.

No, he's working! He's only forloughed when his older kids are home and need to be homeschooled. He doesn't work from.home so he's away for almost 11 hours every day.

What I get is always very much episodal, every single MH practitioner and GP has said that I'm not depressed, that I do get overwhelmed at times but that it happens so every now and then that there's not.mucb they can do. It escalates rather quickly (which scares me) but it always resolves itself within a few days. Apparently I just snap out of it

I hear you, I really do. Could the episodes be hormone-related? In my experience the same set of circumstances can feel utterly dire and insurmountable one day, and a few days later perfectly dealable with. A lot of the time it's down to where I am in my cycle.

So he has two children of own who he's allowed to help with when they're with you both, but he isn't allowed to help with the two children you have together because you "only" work part time?!

It also sounds like he puts a 'face' on things, e.g., telling work it's all fine, Fressia is doing really well, no problems.

You are under enormous pressure and you've already taken a hit by moving to part-time hours. I think I know what you mean about work not being the problem - at the moment it's the thing I'm clinging to for normality - but my trauma therapist is telling me I need to take time off because I'm under too much stress in other areas of my life and this is the only thing that can give, while the GP says if it's helping I should continue working while I'm still able to function well enough in my job. It feels no win and as though you're being asked to give up the thing that's still 'normal'.

If you do go down the off sick route you don't have to tell work everything. They will see what's written on the note and you can give the context you feel comfortable with. Lots of people are going off sick at the moment with the stress of everything so you won't be alone and I doubt they'll want to delve. Just because your DP is unwilling to understand/acknowledge the pressure you're under it doesn't follow that other people will behave the same way.

@shattered04 for many years I thought it was PMDD but I got divorced and now I only have an episode about twice a year.

@MordredsOrrery in a nutshell that's what's happening. Also somebody else at his work has been complaining that he can't be forloughed (his children are older) so now that it's about the baby it looks like he's taking the piss (because I should be able to manage its only 4 hours after all!)

Op I am so sorry - it sounds bloody hard

I would sit down with dh, he takes one week of annual leave next week to give you a complete break from the children.

You take the following week off, even if you have to be signed off with stress. That is two weeks covered.

Every employer in the land knows how hard it is, and with such young children they can hardly be surprised you are at breaking point.

By then the nursery should have reopened, if not line up a plan B. A nanny or a babysitter for the third week. Just so it is covered.

I would consider having a babysitter at the weekend too, to give you both a break to have a bath and dinner in peace. You can not carry on as you are. I agree you are not depressed or anything else you simply have way too much to cope with for any one person.

Rope in every bit of help, paid or unpaid for the next few weeks, by then things should start to ease off considerably.

You are not alone op, this lockdown is really taking its toll.

It does sound like he's taking the piss. How old is the DD you also share? Could he manage for four hours normally?

In the short term could you self-certify for a week to reduce the juggling stress, then sit down with DP and lay out to him that caring for a baby and a DC while working - even if it's 'only' 4 hours at a time, is actually a big ask. Nevermind all the housework and worry about your own health. He needs to step up for all his children, not just his eldest.

Nursery should reopen on Monday and he has no AL left which is part of the problem.

As soon as the baby is back in nursery I think things should.be back.to normal. At least we don't have Covid (got tested yesterday).

I just hate that all of it is like "tough luck".

He could take unpaid leave op. You need to insist he does, you sound at breaking point.

It is not tough luck, it is horrendously hard right now. You have reached a burn out situation, you either stop now or carry on. The next stage will see you becoming physically ill as your body decides enough is enough or you will have a nervous breakdown. Your dh is equally responsible for the children, so he needs to take some time off - however he wants to do it. To the end of the week, and get properly hands on before things get any worse!

We three days left. He needs to step in.

He says they don't have to agree to give him unpaid leave and that he'll get fired, he says he's next in line. I really don't know how much of that is true. But right now I'm in bed baby is entertained with CBeebies (he needs breakfast though) I don't want to get out of bed and just started crying.

Can you just take today off and stay in bed? Give yourself a day off. In the end you have to put yourself and your baby first op. The most important thing here is you two. What would you tell a friend or a sister to do in your position?

I don't think having to work is the problem, and I think I'd have to explain it all to them (maybe I don't) but I don't think in the grand scheme of things it wouldn't make any difference.
I know it's not the ideal solution but taking time off sick from your work is the one thing you can do to reduce the pressure and workload on you. If your DH can't get time off (and I agree he should not risk losing his job) and you can't get anyone else to help with childcare then taking time off your work is better than nothing.

Well I still need to look after my older daughter. She's fairly independent but needs me.

I don't know I think he should have just stayed and be with me. He sometimes does stay with me randomly, that's how he used all of his annual.leave (or some of it). Maybe we should have saved it for emergencies.

I dont think my DP copes very well when I'm unwell. I remember once I had a bad cold.and I had toake.a point of how he had to stay and help. Another time I had a gum infection and instead all the children came. I remember that time I got super angry and from.that moment his DC aren't here on their own unless he's here.

It is pretty hard to swallow when you realise when the shit truly hits the fan you are on your own. You and you alone face the grim reality that its all on you. I know, I have been there. Had I known this nugget of wisdom at 25 I may well have thought twice about having our much wanted kids and considered what is waiting further down the line. The children seem to suddenly stop being 'our' children and suddenly become solely responsibility and job to sort out.

This is not going to help you now though.

When you are stronger you can take this on, and make a bullet proof plan B and C for when your dh lets you down again and you realise you have no one to turn to. You can sort this out in time. But for now, you are where you are. Have a movie day with both kids in bed today. Take a day off to get yourself together op. There are plenty of games you can play with you as the patient that needs to lie down.

It is hard knowing you the buck stops with you, that you do not have the support you thought you had, but also better to know now than when you get a serious illness or surgery as I did, and then you find out you are on your own (with the kids) Your dh I believe could take a day off without losing his job, I guess it is a gamble, but my dh often said this too when he didn't want to help.

You can always call a childcare agency, and if you in your home you can keep an eye on things. Consider organising this today.

Sorry for typos on phone!

I believe he does want to help. But I don't know if I were him I'd take the day off. Even one would make the world of a difference. He also doesn't want to talk because I'm still frustrated and I'm raising my voice but when I've screamed our of desperation throughout the day I don't know what does he expect.

It all just sounds like too much . I've taken unpaid leave to wade through a similar patch of shit - it does help, if that is an option.

Could your husband take responsibility for getting the toilet and car sorted? The smear will either be redone or straight to colposcopy, depending what was abnormal. Either way, it's a worry but it's out of your hands (and well done for going for your smear).

Is there anyone else who could come over for a day or so to give you a break, eg a sister or friend? I know Pandemic etc but I find increasing human contact massively improves my mood and reduces feelings of panic and overwhelmedness.

All of my family lives abroad (I haven't seen them in years now, thanks COVID!) We don't have any local friends that could come and help, we live a pretty isolated life.

The car and toilet have been sorted now but it just all added to the stress I've been living for the past 3 weeks.

Would it be worth reconnecting with friends who aren't local - just calling them for a chat? I find that human contact so essential. Working from home with children makes me feel trapped and claustrophobic, and other people's company restores a sense of perspective.

Hopefully we are nearing a bit more freedom.

OP I also had a screaming breakdown yesterday in front of my kids, you aren't the only one.

I have decided today to do the very bare minimum to keep us alive. No cleaning, no washing, oven chips and fish fingers for tea, kids having a lot of TV.

Your other half needs to help more, seems he isnt supporting you as much as you need. After a row yesterday DH and I have restructured our household task rota and I feel much happier.

Go for a run OP, just put your stuff on and leave the kids with your partner. They will all survive.

Unfortunately the house chores have become a thing where we just agree to disagree as to who does more. He's never liked the rota thing but I'm not too bothered about it. ok yeah the dishes pile up and it's not a pleasant sight, but I can live with most things.

I thought I'd give an update. I woke up okish bit got back to feeling low, the realisation that we're completely alone and on our own is not a pleasant one. I mean, I always knew that was the case but I guess I actually never needed my help.

My a DP acknowledges that he really doesn't know how to help me and that he often makes it worse (like last night I didn't feel better after having a chat, I felt even more frustrated).

That got resolved and I know there's an end in sight to get some normality back but I'm just struggling so so much.

Sorry to hear you're still struggling, OP - you are definitely not alone in that. We have all been plodding on joylessly for too long, and things have not improved as we hoped...but now they genuinely are getting better. I am absolutely certain that we have turned a corner and soon you will be back at work and your DC will be back at nursery/school, and we will be dragged out of our torpor.

As far as being alone, bear in mind how many people are in the same situation but without a DH (however imperfect) and DC. I do think it is essential to have friends and social support outside the family, but you can work on making local friends when there isn't a global pandemic on. In the meantime I personally would be stepping up contact with friends and family who are not local - distance doesn't make those connections worthless.