I don’t know how to eat like a normal person...

[Alexapourmegin]

I’m really struggling with how I feel and it’s been going on for such a long time.

I’m 35, married and have a 12 month old son.

I’ve gained a lot of weight since my son was born, and after an appointment with my Gp I’ve been referred to a psychologist for support with disordered eating.

I really hate myself. I don’t just mean I’m a bit unhappy. I mean I physically hate what I see when I look at myself.
Not just my weight, but every thing about me.
I’m embarrassed about how I look, my features, mr hair. There isn’t one single thing I like about myself.

I’ve felt like this for such a long time and the only source of comfort I have found is food (I don’t smoke or drink)

I’ve spent most of my 20’s and the last 5 year of my 30’s on some form of “diet”.

When I’m dieting I’m 100% good.
I won’t have chocolate, crisps, snacks etc...

When I’m not dieting I’m 100% and eat all of the above and more.

I have absolutely no middle ground and I don’t know how to find one.

It’s controlling my life and I hate it.

I was being 100% good then on my sons birthday I had a slice of his birthday cake.
I told myself if was okay, have the cake and move on.

But I couldn’t. I felt disgusted, angry, disappointed, ashamed.

I told myself how horrible I was and that I was a bad person that no one would like because I’m fat and I’ve eaten cake.

I then went on to eat more cake but instead of doing it for enjoyment, I feel like I’m punishing myself.

I don’t feel anything nice about myself and I have no desire to be nice to myself.

I try so hard to eat normally but I just can’t and I don’t know how.

If I’m not following a strict diet I’m bingeing on rubbish.

How do I eat like a normal person...

You are a normal person, you're just having a really tough time.

@Boredsobored

You are a normal person, you're just having a really tough time.

Nothing about this feels normal.

I can relate. I’ve done so much dieting / binging that there is no in between. It’s soul destroying.

I know not asking for advice, but just in case useful I’ve tried a lot of things over the years and these have helped sometimes / inconsistently.

• Overeaters Anonymous- their website is a good place to start
• Therapy - doing EMDR, have done counselling. Also CBT
• The Diet Cure by by Julia Ross - though take the supplements advice with punch of salt as it is out of date now.

It’s bloody hard and people don’t get it.

Really hope the psychologist is helpful. Also to add you’ve got a young child and body image / sense of self are over the shop after having kids.

It’s really hard when these habits are so deeply ingrained. Really food shouldn’t be a punishment or a reward, you shouldn’t flog yourself because you had a slice of cake. I’m sure you know that logically but it can be hard to undo those associations.

But it sounds like your issues are wider than food - you don’t seem to like yourself very much and food is an extension of that.

It might be worth getting in touch with your GP, or seeking out counselling to help you address this?

Oh sorry I missed the psychologist bit - that’s a great first step 💕 I really hope it helps

I'm with you. I've recently been referred to an eating disorders dietician who is really helping after my 30 year long binge/purge/restrict disorder. I have NO idea how to eat normally and it's trial and error. Have gained a couple of pounds over the past few months but have been told to trust in the process. Also seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. Very lucky to have private health care which is paying for it all.

I am not sure it's possible to fix life long disordered eating without professional help. I certainly didn't manage to.

I can totally relate ! You are me and I am you. You are not alone. I have always been confident, I have always been big, but lately I hate everything I see about myself. I lost 7lb on slimming world, and celebrated with a week of eating and putting it back on. Self sabotage all over the place!! Heaviest I have ever been and feeling it- bad hips, back and knees and asthma is bad.
I am 41 this year and I am thinking I will never look and feel the way I want to, and this has all mainly been since I had my son 2 years ago.
I think getting professional support is the best start

You are being so hard on yourself. Eating like a 'normal person' would include eating some birthday cake on a family member's birthday.

It's been a really tough year for everyone, but having a baby in all this lockdown madness must have been so so difficult, it's no wonder your feelings are over this are so intense. Please don't be so hard on yourself about this.

You need an eating plan where you build in the opportunity for 'treats'. You can eat a bit of cake and still lose weight if you are making sensible choices the rest of the day/week. You can enjoy your cake and not feel like you've ruined everything and you may as well not bother, which seems to be what is happening now.

The psychologist will no doubt have the best advice, but maybe an approach like Slimming World might help you here, you mainly eat healthy foods, but you have an allowance for treat type foods. You can eat your cake then and you don't have to feel like you've ruined everything.

Good luck op, I hope you feel more positive soon.

Your problem seems to be the extremes of behaviour. If you're trying to loose weight you don't need to 100% good. I find the more your deprive yourself of treats the more you crave them and then when you get the chance you binge. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a slice of birthday cake on your son's birthday, don't beat yourself up about it!
I would start by making a meal plan for 3 main meals a day and factor in some treats in moderation throughout the week.

I had to give up dieting, give myself permission to do whatever I wanted to intuitively. For a couple of weeks I ate takeaways and chocolate and that was about it, but then I tried to enjoy food again. Introduced new things, and old things I'd got out the habit of eating. Then I started eating in a pattern breakfast, lunch, dinner, 1-3 snacks. Even if I had chocolate for every one 🤣 I let myself just eat food for pleasure, sometimes stress/comfort eating, but I didn't let myself do the meal skipping food group eliminating stuff at all. I started to introduce some healthy habits and looked at the nutritional value in things (but not the calories). Over a year my weight went up and down a bit but basically stayed the same. I'm still overweight so now looking at weight loss, but I really needed that year to just totally change the way I looked at food. Now I have quite a 'normal' eating pattern and maybe 1 or 2 binges a week. But when I binge eat, I don't feel bad about it emotionally. I just accept that everyone lapses sometimes and that I need to look at what emotional need I wasn't meeting. I also have other interests now. I used to watch dieting programs and read dieting magazines. My whole life was orientated around it. Now I don't obsess, I still have to cook, plan meals, shop for meals, etc. But I don't think about food all the time. I enjoy my meals, which I eat slowly and savour now. I won't eat anything I don't like! And I have finally learnt what "full" feels like as opposed to "over full" I originally researched about intuitive eating and read a couple of books. But after that I just focused on other things really, and let food get "right sized" in my life again.

Sugar is really addictive and releases endorphins. It's not just you that struggles with this.

The only way round it I have found is to allow myself a small amount of dark chocolate only when my body is screaming out for it, and the rest of the time remove temptation as much as possible. If I over indulge eat salad the next day. Eventually like alcohol as you get older you realise that the sugar hangover is not worth it!

But with a 12 month old why are you putting so much pressure on yourself? This is the last time to care about weight, your body just produced another human.

For me cutting out “bad” foods doesn’t work. For 2 years I’ve calorie counted and for the first time I’ve managed to stay within my target weight. I eat whatever treats I want as long as I have the calories for it. I find not banning anything means I don’t try and squeeze it all it when I’m not dieting and therefore don’t eat as much junk. I make sure I plan in the main meals in advance.

I know it's hard but try to stop thinking about foods being either 'good' or 'bad'. Stop berating yourself all the time when you eat what you consider to be 'bad' foods. It is all just food. As others say, you can eat it, as long as it is part of a balanced diet.

A little of what you fancy does you good. The key is to just have the odd biscuit now and again with your morning coffee, and not the whole packet. Easy to say I know, but true.

Another one saying that calorie counting is a good way of understanding how much to eat. You can have a treat every day as long as it's been counted and you adjust your other meals that day. E.g. if you want a magnum that day, it's fine just skip breakfast, have a vegetable stir fry/soup for lunch to off set it. Download my fittness pal app to help you add up your daily calories.

@passtheorange

I know it's hard but try to stop thinking about foods being either 'good' or 'bad'. Stop berating yourself all the time when you eat what you consider to be 'bad' foods. It is all just food. As others say, you can eat it, as long as it is part of a balanced diet.

A little of what you fancy does you good. The key is to just have the odd biscuit now and again with your morning coffee, and not the whole packet. Easy to say I know, but true.

@passtheorange

That’s what I really struggle with, the odd biscuit.

I associate foods like that as being bad, making me a failure, making me a disgusting person.

Eating one triggers me into these feelings and then I end up eating the whole pack.

So sorry to read this OP. I have had similar issues in the past, and had some CBT which was helpful. What really changed everything for me was getting into fitness. This might not be the right solution for you, but for me it has been amazing. I do weight training, yoga and some other types of exercise. It has given me a new respect for my body- I love feeling and looking strong- and it has really taken my focus away from obsessing about food. Food is fuel and essential, but is also something to be enjoyed. I have a good appetite and exercise obviously makes me hungry, but I don't binge anywhere near as much as I used to.

Glad you have a referral and hope it help you.

Your body carried your DS for 9mths and for the past 12mths you’ve been looking after his needs. Start there. Your body nurtured and gave you a healthy baby. Can you allow yourself to think positively about that?
You have a lot of insight in to your relationship with food and I hope the psychologist is helpful.

Hi I could have written this I feel much like you do😔
I've had issues with eating since childhood comforting eating when sad etc I hate how I look and do the over eating to punish myself as i dont deserve to be better happier etc.
I even feel embarrassed for my husband when we are out together and he wants to hold my hand. I also got fat shamed by the doctor the other day too and that sent me on a spiral or comfort eating again.
I too feel like I dont know how to just eat normally I hate being obese but feel powerless to change it.
I am currently having psychological therapy but it centres more on issues from childhood but also my bingeing too I just feel like such a fuck up and a shit mum to my three kids. My youngest is 14 months so a tiny baby in the first lockdown and I ballooned anxiety eating terrified the baby or I would die 😪. Just know you are not alone hun big hugs x

@Goldenmythicalcreature

Hi I could have written this I feel much like you do😔 I've had issues with eating since childhood comforting eating when sad etc I hate how I look and do the over eating to punish myself as i dont deserve to be better happier etc. I even feel embarrassed for my husband when we are out together and he wants to hold my hand. I also got fat shamed by the doctor the other day too and that sent me on a spiral or comfort eating again. I too feel like I dont know how to just eat normally I hate being obese but feel powerless to change it. I am currently having psychological therapy but it centres more on issues from childhood but also my bingeing too I just feel like such a fuck up and a shit mum to my three kids. My youngest is 14 months so a tiny baby in the first lockdown and I ballooned anxiety eating terrified the baby or I would die 😪. Just know you are not alone hun big hugs x

@Goldenmythicalcreature

Oh gosh. This sounds just like me.

I wish I could give you a bug hug. ❤️

Mine was fuelled by anxiety too, my son was born 5 weeks before the first lockdown.
It was such a scary time especially with a new baby.

I go back to work in 6 weeks and I feel so embarrassed to go back with how different I look.

I’ve even considered quitting my job.

I’m scared to take my son to nursery Incase the other mums judge me.

😩

My approach to food is that when I’m hungry I eat the most nutritious food first and the sugary treat last.
So if I’m thinking of eating a biscuit I might have an early lunch instead and have a bowl of soup or a sandwich and then have the biscuit if I still want it. I invariably do, but now I can stop at two instead of eating the whole packet and skipping lunch.

I do something similar with drinks - if I’m thirsty I have water first even if I feel like coke or coffee. But I don’t deny myself the treat I crave.

And because I’m having the treat after, it functions as a primary positive reinforcer for healthy eating too.

I can’t follow diets or even meal plans and I’m very impulsive so this approach works really well for me.

It might help to speak to a nutritionist who can identify healthy meals and amounts because, frankly, there is a lot of dubious and daft advice floating around. Getting some sensible and trustworthy advice might help put the ground under your feet so you know what to work towards.

Your inner critic is completely out of control, by the sounds of it. I had one like that in my twenties and I decided to name him Jack and every time I caught those nasty, negative thoughts I’d say (out loud) “Fuck off Jack” and counter with a kind statement about myself, even if it was just “I’m doing my best”.

I also started smiling at my reflection too instead of criticising and that helped too.

I think dieting is the worst thing you could do. Paul McKenna might be worth a try

I literally could write your post. I sobbed and sobbed to Dh last night & told him I want a divorce (have been married a year), because I'm so so sick of being a disgusting failure. I have no self worth, I literally loathe myself - how can I ever be happy when I feel like this? It all stems from food. I'd love to know the answer before I go insane and do something stupid.9

I relate completely, I gave 0 self esteem and after 15 years on unsuccessful diets am now considering a gastric balloon. Drastic but I don't know what else to do