How to handle my alcoholic mum

[Daisythecow56]

NC for this as don't want it linked to other outing posts.

My mum has a problem with drink and always has done. I remember her drunk many times as a child. She falls back on drink when times are hard but similarly drinks habitually too. She isn't a pleasant drunk. She can be quite spiteful and cutting with her remarks. She slurs, says and does silly things and I don't think she realises how obvious it is to other people in her face and voice that she's under the influence. She's even picked my ds up from school before after a glass of wine (not in the car) and I cringe thinking that other parents would have realised she was pissed.

I would say she's a functioning alcoholic in the sense that she drinks too much but also manages to go to work and do what's required of her. But it has put a strain on our relationship as I can't stand her company when she's drunk.

At the moment she has a perfect excuse to drink as we lost my dad a month ago. He told her that she wasn't to use his death as a reason to drink but that's exactly what she's doing. We allowed it immediately following his death but now it's getting ridiculous. She doesn't eat and has lost a lot of weight we she just drinks daily. I have pleaded with her to stop because I can see the damage she's doing to her own health but she won't. She does stupid things like rings friends in the middle of the night asking them to go around which they almost always do. She is a different person when drunk and I hate it.

I am struggling with his loss too but am also worried I'm going to lose my mum. I know she's grieving but as she has always drank I can't help but feel like it's an excuse. My dad would be beside himself as he didn't like her drinking so much either. I just don't know how to help.

The short, brutal, answer is, you can't help. You also don't allow her to drink. It's not up to you.
She will only stop when and if SHE decides to stop, and if she's been drinking for years she will need medical help. Just stopping can cause problems for a long term alcoholic as they are physically dependent as well as psychologically.
There's nothing anyone can do until she's ready though.

I don’t think you can help unfortunately. I would simply try to see her or have contact at times she’s unlikely to have been drinking and encourage her to find ways to carry on that don’t involve the bottle.

Does she have any pets?

I'm trying hard to encourage her to do other things. I go round daily and we try and go out for walks with dc which she enjoys. But we soon as she's back home by herself she will hit the drink again. Sometimes in the middle of the day. I think she is delaying going back to work as she knows she won't be able to do it as much then.

I am at my wits end and so angry with her. She is throwing her own health away and will end up alienating people with her behaviour.

No pets, maybe she needs something like that as a focus.

Sorry you’re going through this. It’s really, really tough on families.

I agree you can’t stop her drinking. But if you get support for yourself and change your behaviour (eg set firm boundaries) you might be able to speed up the process of her hitting her ‘rock bottom’ and increasing the chance of her recognising she needs help.

Al-anon is a good place to start. Good luck. And so sorry about your dad 💐

Sorry you have to deal with this and sorry for the loss of your father.

Other than the bereavement, I could have written this. My mum has always been what I would call a functioning alcoholic. She has a professional job and raised two kids, but in the evenings there was a lot of wine consumed all through my life. It probably started when my parents divorced when I was about 10 (so 30 odd years ago!). I almost never had friends to the house because I couldn't trust that she'd be in a fit state. She also isn't a particularly "good" drunk either and says a lot of ugly things to me and my brother. It got way worse when she was made redundant ( was only a couple of years from retirement, so took early retirement). Thankfully she doesn't tend to call friends, but does call and rant at brother.

It is very upsetting to watch as I love her dearly and when she is not drinking she is such a wonderful person. After all these years though, I have realised I can't do anything about it. I refuse to answer the phone to her or call her after certain times of the day when I know there is a high chance of her having started on the wine. I just have to protect myself at this point.

@KnockDown yes my mums the same, lovely sober but as soon as she's had a drink I just have to get off the phone because she irritates me and can be quite hurtful. It saddens me that she prioritises booze over our relationship. I have tried to support her through losing my dad but who is supporting me? She is just giving me more to worry about :(

The drunk person is their true self though. Alchohlics can't handle sober as its too much effort or they can't cope with real life and reject it. She won't change. Alchohlics her is her.

This is tough to read as I've recently been assessing the relationship I have with my mother who is an alcoholic.
Like others she has drank for many years and is spiteful when intoxicated. My mum actually isn't very nice sober either to be fair.
I don't know what the answer is. But know you are not alone.

I have no helpful suggestions, just sympathy as I’m experiencing the same. My mum is elderly and lives in our annexe so there’s no getting away from her. And we have the pleasure of having to pick her up when she falls over pissed

Sounds a lot like mine. She’s been a lot better since my dad died, but I think that’s because she’s scared of falling over if alone. The minute I turn up, off she goes again, shitfaced. She knows I can’t bear her being pissed, is apparently desperate for me to visit yet picks up the bottle the second I get there. I can arrive at 3pm and be offered booze where I’d be offering a cup of tea? Drives me nuts.

This isn’t your fault and only she can decide to stop.

As a recovering alcoholic, you honestly can't do anything. You need to ensure firm boundaries ie you don't want to see or hear her drunk is fine. I always used to say I'm not drunk I have had a piriton!

Nothing anyone said to me helped, I needed consequences and I got them fast when people put boundaries in place. When I hit rock bottom I got sober and that was 11 years ago.

Hard painful journey for alcoholics and the family. Alanon helped my mum ans husband but you could also contact your local drug and alcohol service and see if they offer support.

🤞

As little as possible.

You don’t believe us, but once you’ve told her you’re ready to see her when she’s ready to see sober, that’s best for you all.

@Supersimkin2 really don't feel like that's an option. She is grieving. We all are. Now doesn't feel like the time to cut contact or distance myself, we need each other. I know the decision has to come from her, it's so hard watching her do this to herself.

Have you spoken to her about it, as in asked her if she's happy just being pissed all the time?

If she is then there's nothing you can do except protect yourself, however, if she would like to stop then see if she'll visit her GP with you as support. It's unlikely, if she's plastered every day, that she has a lot of choice in her drinking right now. If she's physically addicted she won't be able to (and shouldn't) stop cold. She needs detoxing.

Sorry about your dad and I hope your mum wants help from the doctor (not from you - you can't and shouldn't be responsible for her) x

@RickJames she definitely won't see a GP. She doesn't go to the doctor unless she has to. For something like this she certainly wouldn't. But I don't think she believes she has that much of an issue and she definitely doesn't realise how obvious it is when she's drunk, and how difficult it is to be around her.