To ask why marriage before children is so important?

[Eaststreet]

Excuse my ignorance on this but time and time again I see comments from people on MN’s telling people not to have a child with somebody before marriage - comments I see are along the lines of ‘it’s so risky’ , ‘leaving yourself open’ ‘asking for disaster’

I might just be really naive but can somebody please explain the risks involved?

Myself and DP are TTC now, and all these comments are making me really uneasy, should I genuinely be worried?
We were due to get married this year and then the plan was to start ttc but we have postpone the wedding due to COVID and didn’t want to postpone having a baby too. Should I genuinely get be worried about this? And get married first?

NOK can be anyone you want, it doesn't have to be family or a spouse.

Your pension can also be nominated to anyone, even when I was in relationships it never went to them.

And married or not either can decide in their will to leave their share to cats protection league if they want.

If your name isn't on the deeds and you are not married it may be possible to still get a share of the house

www.inheritancedisputes.co.uk/news-articles/what-are-your-rights-if-your-name-not-deeds.html

Married or not if your name is on the deeds you have legal recourse.

Married or not, the children should still inherit and if affairs have gone unknown, it's usually when all those skeletons come falling out. Unless of course they have been disinherited through the will.

Even when the courts used to do spousal and child maintenance as standard it often didn't get paid or was for ridiculous amounts. My dad had to pay out £1.70 a month for us both and most of that was spousal.
He never paid. Attachment to earnings, nothing new about them moving around jobs.

For me it’s about commitment. I just don’t se why anyone would plan to have a child with someone who hasn’t yet fully committed to the relationship. Fine if you both never want to get married and have set up your situation to reflect that, but if you plan to get married someday then you should do it before having children. It’s much better for a child to be raised in a committed family then go through a breakup. If you’re not yet married then what’s the reason? Not ready to commit (don’t have a child), not been with the person long enough (don’t have a child), not enough month (don’t have a child) etc.

Not enough money*

I think your more likely to work at a relationship when married. I wanted to get married once we decided to have children but my partner never wanted to and it always felt like he had one eye on the door..yes we had a child and I tried to get similar protections in place life insurance, joint account, agreement as to finances childcare etc but my partner resented it. He wanted more and more independence over his own income and we split up because I felt increasingly like a single parent. Sorting out finances of a joint mortgage was a nightmare even though we were fairly amicable. The house was set up under deed of trust which helped but I think marriage if you are both committed to it would be better.

I think it's mostly about money and assets. It seems to be a more of a big issue for people on Mumsnet or maybe it depends on where you live, because out of the couples I know with children more are married. A few I know married later when their children were older, which made for a very nice wedding. A few I know have also separated but amicably and there hasnt been any discontent about financial and asset sharing. Perhaps I'm just lucky and have a community of reasonable people. Mumsnet seems a bit old fashioned in this respect.

I meant to say more couples I know are UNMARRIED

It is a private and personal matter. But it is primarily about commitment and finances. It is the final commitment in a relationship and it protects the woman (and ultimately the children) in a split or death. No-one likes talking about death but everyone will know someone who has been left in difficulties financially when legalities are not in place via property or inheritance. Capital gains, property etc it is a minefield. Do make a Will as well.

I worked with a colleague who was ultra sensitive about marriage - she ridiculed the staff who were. She was in a relationship with one of the partners, had a beautiful home and went on to have two children together. He was seeing another member of staff and what a mess when it was discovered - the house, finances, the children and the precarious position of her career.

It all sounds so old fashioned and it is but the law is just that. My parents weren't married and what a mess that all was.

I got married because I wanted to have a child and be able to take a career break knowing that I was legally and financially protected in the event of divorce/death. Marriage was the cheapest and most straightforward way to do that. I’m the least romantic person on earth and had no interest in the whole wedding thing; for me it was about legal practicalities.

Some people still dont like the thought of there children being illegitimate

@Eaststreet you need to think about what would happen if you had a child who needed constant care or if you became unwell in the future. Marriage would give you more protection if you were unable work full time and your relationship ended.

1. Too many women don't realise how much of a financial hit they'll take on once they've had a baby when they go on maternity leave, taking a financial hit with a man who isn't invested in you legally isn't the best idea

1. Theres a great legal disadvantage to having children out of wedlock and most women don't realise it until its too late. E.g after partner dies, when they separate from their partner and don't realise how little they'll get from Child maintenance

1. A baby can change bring about great challenge between the dynamic of the relationship and the last man you want to test that out with is one who wants the option of leaving you as soon as things get tough. The best man to do that with is one who is invested in you to the point that he's not afraid of being legally tied to you.