AIBU to be very pissed off at EXH

[flowerinavase]

I think I already know the answer to this but would like some advice on how to handle it.

I share custody of DCs (9 & 11) with EXH, with whom I have a generally positive relationship, we've been divorced 6 yrs. He's been having the children more since the pandemic as he's furloughed and lives with his new partner (also have a good relationship with her), I live alone in a smaller house and work FT so they've had more time to homeschool, kids have more space to play etc.

I'm bubbled with my DP and the only person I see is him, maybe 4-5 days/nights a week. I keep time in shops to a minimum and otherwise follow the rules to the letter.

DP keeps allowing the kids to play with other children in their area. He doesn't tell me this - today I've heard from my mum (who facetimes with DC regularly as she is shielding) that they've been in contact with kids from 3 different families in the last week. I'm furious with this, I'd love to be easing the pressure at home slightly by seeing friends with my DC but I don't because I don't think it's right to break the rules.

I'm really pissed off that he's not only doing this but isn't being honest with me about the amount of contact they're having with other children as it doesn't allow me to assess the risk myself - IMO it's putting me and my partner at risk.

How would you handle him?

Playing outside or inside?

Is it just the kids? I'm in Scotland and under 12's are still able to play together outside. Thank goodness as I'd be off my head if they couldn't.

@Hankunamatata

Playing outside or inside?

Inside - they were hosted at a friend's house for a sleepover earlier this week

@TeeniefaeTroon

Is it just the kids? I'm in Scotland and under 12's are still able to play together outside. Thank goodness as I'd be off my head if they couldn't.

All the kids they see are inside

@TeeniefaeTroon

Is it just the kids? I'm in Scotland and under 12's are still able to play together outside. Thank goodness as I'd be off my head if they couldn't.

EXDH has also been mixing with adults (parents) inside too

I'm a bit confused. Is it ExDH allowing your joint children to mix indoors? Or your now DP allowing their children to mix?

I think it's the ex, hence the thread title. OP does say DP at one point though!

I'd have a word with him for sure, but you can't force him to abide. At least your children are a bit older though, so it's not like having toddlers if you do end up having them at home more with you.

That was why I was a bit confused as OP referred to DP allowing children to mix.

Anyway, if you are in the UK and he is indeed allowing your joint dc to mix with others, then you are right to be v pussed off.

Have you spoken to your dc's father?

@CagneyNYPD

I'm a bit confused. Is it ExDH allowing your joint children to mix indoors? Or your now DP allowing their children to mix?

Sorry - it's EXH.

I'm so cross I can't type straight! And yes, he's allowing children to mix indoors/is mixing indoors with other adults

@CagneyNYPD

That was why I was a bit confused as OP referred to DP allowing children to mix.

Anyway, if you are in the UK and he is indeed allowing your joint dc to mix with others, then you are right to be v pussed off.

Have you spoken to your dc's father?

My mistake - I was typing in slight fury.

I have brought it up a couple of time and he's told me they are bubbled with one other family in their area (I don't believe this follows the current rules, but have been leaving them to it). But now knowing they're mixing inside with 3-4 families in the space of the week (one of the adults I believe goes out to work), it seems irresponsible and reckless to me.

It is irresponsible and reckless. But you have already tried to talk to him to no avail. I would think this through vv carefully. You have an amicable relationship with him. That can take years to build and just minutes to trash.

Are your dc with him full time now? Do you have plans in place to revert back to the original shared (50:50?) arrangement?

We have the same situation, you can’t control what happens in his time unfortunately. Dc have mixed with multiple people throughout, seen their grandparents and stayed with their aunt and their cousins.

On one hand it’s been good for them, on the other I’ve been very uneasy about what would happen in the event either families caught covid, potentially that’s about 18 people could come down with it, 3 of whom would be quite vulnerable. I figured if that’s a risk they’re happy with them that’s up to them. However the repercussions would be far worse for me personally but we’ll cross that bridge if and when we come to it.

@CagneyNYPD

It is irresponsible and reckless. But you have already tried to talk to him to no avail. I would think this through vv carefully. You have an amicable relationship with him. That can take years to build and just minutes to trash.

Are your dc with him full time now? Do you have plans in place to revert back to the original shared (50:50?) arrangement?

They're not with him full-time, no - the split is about 60/40, but I'm doing most of the weekends now We'll go back to 50/50 once they're back at school.

@SpaceRaiders you're right in that it's been good for them as they have some normalcy in an upside down world, though I think they're old enough to understand the situation and the risks so he shouldn't be so free with who they mix with.

Unfortunately, there isn't anything you can realistically do to change this situation. You could try talking to your ex again and explaining why you have rules at your house about seeing others at the moment, and how it would be helpful and, potentially, less confusing for the kids, if he applied the same rules when the kids were at his house.

However, if he's otherwise looking after the kids well, you'll just have to accept that you can't control what happens when the kids are at your ex's house. I'm sorry, I know that's not helpful, but you can't make him parent in a specific way. That being said, I wouldn't be happy about him lying to you. I would address this and say calmly that, you have a good relationship, and he shouldn't feel he can't tell you the truth about how he and the kids spend their time, even if it's doing something he feels you would disapprove of. Say what you said here, that it would let you make your own risk assessment of actions you take when, for eg., seeing friends / family that are at higher risk of getting seriously ill if they were to get COVID.

Take a deep breath and try not to stew over this.

Are you allowed to bubble with your dp? Genuine question.. Can't keep up with the rules here.

Answering my own question but it seems you can if you are a single adult with children. Unfortunately for me as my dd is 21 so iam not allowed a bubble.

It’s not worth the stress and disagreement, if he’s not willing to listen. Mine a little bit younger than yours but I sought legal advice, then went to the extent of refusing contact during the first lockdown, when he decided to isolate 170 miles away with friends.

I couldn’t keep them with me indefinitely and he is one of these types who believes rules don’t apply to him. Dc are aware they’re rule breaking, eldest had awful anxiety at one point over catching covid and I discussed with ex the impact of his actions on his children. He seemed completely unconcerned. The main thing is we follow the guidelines here, however difficult it’s been. So if any of us were to catch it, it’d be fairly obvious where we caught it from.