AIBU to think this isn't suitable for a child

[BMHM]

I've NC for this as it's outing because I've posted about my son's behaviour in the past.

My 6 yo goes to his Dad's every weekend, although it's meant to be 2 nights (although no court order), I often ask him to come home after 1 night.

Ex has had several gfs, the new one is the second gf my son has met in the last 12 months. Ds has behavioural issues and a tic, although he is not ticking rn. Ex makes no effort or association with school, and when I explain that ds behaviour has been particularly bad, he dismisses me and says he can't see the problem. I told him the headteacher is keen to have a meeting and he acts as though I am making it up. I work closely with the school and arrange meeting to discuss ds behaviour. I feel the hard work is often undone at the weekend.

Anyway, the reason I'm posting is ex has moved in with new gf. I only know this because my 6 yo told me. Apparently she lives in a flat with her 2 children 8 and 10, have a cat and xbox and play fortnight and CoD. My ds had been playing fortnight there which I made very clear should not happen, ex knows this but let him play with older boys. And the real crux, ds is sleeping in the 8 yo single bed with him. He hasn't got his own room, or even his own bed. He comes home with red eyes and looks exhausted. He came home wearing a pj top as no one could find his clothes.

I don't know what to do, I don't even know if I can do anything. I don't know if I'm BU. I feel awful for my son, although I know he probably sees it as a fun sleepover. I don't know whether to talk to school (They've got a KW place just now). Any advice would be massively appreciated.

I would stop letting him stay over there if he hasn’t got his own bed and isn’t sleeping properly. Fortnite is fairly cartoony but probably he’s too young to play it. I hope he isn’t playing cod as he’s definitely too young for that. Tell his dad he can take him out for the day but no more sleepovers. Get yourself a lawyer as well, best to have a legal agreement about contact. Does dad pay maintenance? He sounds like he isn’t that engaged as a parent as he can’t be bothered to talk to the school with you. Document all these conversations so you can show the lawyer

He should have his own bed and certainly shouldn't be allowed to play fortnite. It's a violent and highly addictive game, certainly not age appropriate.
I would speak to your ex first and if this continues then not allow your son to spend the night there anymore.

His dad should buy a single mattress and keep it under the 8 year old's bed, your child needs his own mattress with bedding. If he's there two nights he should have a drawer or box, and a hanger or coat hook or chair to be able to put his clothes.

I Will suggest the single mattress. He bought him a new xbox this weekend, would appropriate bedding not be a better use of money. Although it's going into the other child's room so wasn't really for our ds I guess. If they've moved in together, wouldn't this be one of the main conversations? He also won't tell me where she/he lives, I only think I know what town it is from what ds tells me.

I've been to a lawyer in the past. Nothing happened, he just ignored the letters. Lawyer said I can't force him to engage.

It's the instability, the second gf in a year, 3rd in 18 months.

Stop letting him stay over there
He comes back tired and he’s been playing inappropriate games. Tell his dad it’s not happening and he can take you to court if he can be bothered- probably won’t be

I think not knowing the address is an even bigger issue here. Stop allowing contact until these issues are sorted.

It’s not court ordered, so I’d stop him going there for the time being. See if he can be bothered to engage then. Your son has to be protected.

Sorry you don't know the address your 6 year old is staying at?! That is madness! Get a proper legal agreement in place.

@footprintsintheslow

I think not knowing the address is an even bigger issue here. Stop allowing contact until these issues are sorted.

There is no way my child would be allowed to stay where I do not know the address. I think you are justified in stopping him from going.

After some painful messaging yesterday, ex told me he hasn't moved in.

I've asked him to tell me his address, but he won't. He picks up ds and drops him off...he chose to live an hour away from ds, and pays £40 a week in maintenance, if I drove, half of that would be spent on fuel. So, he said he'd only give me his address if I drove. I asked him again yesterday.

He sounds like such a shit father. Not telling you where your child is, is not acceptable. I agree with everyone that you need to seek legal help here. Get a plan set out via court/Mediation. In the mean time don't send your ds there.

Also, I know its not the thread title, but I don't know what to do about son's behaviour. He has been threatened with losing his KW school place previously, and yesterday he had a terrible day, pinched and hit a teacher. There are consequences at home, and he is rewarded for good behaviour, I always discuss the behaviour. I think I'm going to ask the school to refer to CAHMS. GP in the past was really unhelpful. I think he needs some 1:1 support at school. I don't want him hurting people, and I can tell HT is really losing patience with him.

I think that it's really important that you speak to the school to try to get more support with his behaviour. It's unacceptable that the dad won't support this. Although stopping contact with his father isn't normally ideal I think it sounds like it's having a really negative impact. If the dad won't even tell you an address, it's unlikely he'll be open to discuss changes to help your sons behaviour and I would opt in this situation to stop it. The fact he won't acknowledge that there's a problem is key.

You don't want your son to lose his KW place, this wouldn't be good for him. I'm a teacher. Although I sympathise, and would always try to accommodate children like this I think in the current circumstances being pinched and hit would send me over the edge.

I would never send my child to a place when I did not know the address. If it were a classmate's birthday party or a play date even, I would want to know where they were so I could get there if something happened.
Tell him to take you to court. Then he will have to engage with your lawyer and you will have the right to know where he is.

Well, he may not get much out of seeing his Dad developmentally, but he certainly adores his Dad. It is the typical child from a broken home weekend...sleepovers (as he sees it), McDonald's, staying up late, no school work. They tell each other they love each other a lot. I think ex does love him, but sees him as a friend, and not a Father.

Whatever I do here is wrong.

I have emailed the school to discuss next steps and apologies for yesterday.

His really bad day sounds like it followed a massive change in his life at his dad's. He needs consistency and routine. You need to step up and take the hard hard next steps. No more unsupervised contact. No going to hang out with new gf and kids playing inappropriate games. No going to addresses you dont know. Email ex Al your recent concerns and have him repky in an email so it's documented. Include the impact at school. Can you get school to call him as well so he knows the impact? You need to take legal action now.

I think your son's behaviour seems linked to this bad parenting to me. He's acting out because his basic emotional needs of safety, routine and predictability aren't being met. Stop him going.

Hes his Dad. If course he should see him and its very unlikely a court would say no to overnight s based on what you have written. Hitting and pinching a teacher is abmormal behaviour, does he do that to you?

I know contact with other parents is generally something to be supported but based on everything you’ve described, I wouldn’t hesitate to completely stop contact - immediately.

His father is failing to put his son first in every way.

Refusing to engage with you or the school is at best horribly lazy and worst neglectful. He’s offering you and your son zero support at a really challenging time for you both.

His secrecy about his location would be a dealbreaker in itself but he’s now adding blackmail/emotional and financial abuse to that. What a complete asshole!

Of course it’s fine to top and tail in a bed as a one-off but that’s totally unacceptable as a regular thing. That’s true for any child but more so give your son’s age and other challenges..

But stopping overnights is not enough because you son should be nowhere near Fortnite and COD. Not even seeing them, let alone playing them at 6 years old. Your ex has made it clear this won’t stop during the day, so stopping overnights won’t solve that problem.

I’m guessing contact is EOW. Contact is meant to be for the benefit of the child. And it’s sounds like you little boy is being plonked in front of screens. Where’s the benefit to him? Is he getting any quality 1:1 time with his dad?

So please protect your son and keep him with you. Let your vile, disengaged ex take you to court for access. I bet he won’t bother.

I’m sure you are a lovely mum and give your son tons of reassurance. You may find that his behaviour starts to improve when he stops contact. But otherwise your plan to ask for CAHMS help is a good one. But I am sure someone with real expertise on this area can provide some real help.

Sorry you’re going through this 💐

He doesn’t have to disclose his address to you.
The instability thing isn’t ideal but he’s allowed to introduce your child to as many women as he likes unfortunately.

Not having a bed when he goes there also isn’t adequate reason to stop him going. As long as he has a reasonable place to sleep it wouldn’t be a big enough issue for a court to stop contact.

That being said, there are serious issues here. Namely his father not engaging with discussions around your sons tics & the impact playing inappropriate videos games may be having on your child. I think that’s concerning.

Sorry, I am drip feeding here and just dumping words on the page. I feel awful this morning, my heart is racing.

in the last 18 months/2 years...ex has threatened to leave for Australia, introduced ds to one gf who he thought had a disabled child, another with 2 kids who constantly annoyed ds, and now a new gf who let her kids play Fortnight and Apex Legends which are completely Inappropriate. Ex is constantly rude to me, shouts and swears at me. Ex Mum told me I ought to give up work so ds doesn't affect ex working. Meanwhile the nursery threatened to expel ds, and now the school, whilst ex refuses to even belive me, let alone support me, and doesnt engage with school at all. I guess this is why this has peaked for me and why I am so worried.

Also...I am not perfect. I had severe PND/psychosis and ended up in a mother and baby unit so I don't imagine I have always been what is best for ds.

I worked hard to get a masters and got a job in my field but had to keep reducing my hours because ds wasn't coping.
I'm back at uni for a career change, and I think maybe I'll have to defer that so I can focus on ds. I really want to lift us out of renting and earn more, but I can't focus properly when I'm so worried.

Wow...sorry, that was an emotional dump

Try not to panic. The solutions are there. I think previous posters are right about stopping contact with his father. You need to focus on providing stability for your son. Often children act out when they dont have a strong bond with their parents and boundaries. I think stop contact with ex for now and work on your own bond with your ds. Try and do any activities which would bond you together. Playing games, reading to him, talking about his interests. Even taking him to mcdonalds or having a movie night if thats what he's used to. You're his mum so the most important relationship for him. Once you strengthen this bond you'll be better able to tackle other problems. You can do this OP, be confident in your own abilities.