To be annoyed for DH

[Magnificentmug12]

Spoke to MIL yesterday who is moving her sister to a new house. She is her unpaid carer so they are one support bubble. Moving from one place to another is a huge task, let alone in a pandemic.

Yesterday MIL commented on how her other son (golden child) is coming over to help with the move- load the van and drive and unpack I imagine. We are in the U.K. so in lockdown and technically he isn’t allowed to go help. He is though which is fine, he isn’t being forced but choosing to do it.

MIL has realised what a huge task this is doing the move. She is upset that others are not coming to help. I’ve explained to her their brother can’t come down and help as he lives far away, your not supposed to leave your local area unless for a good reason and certainly not allowed to mix households and if he is caught he would get fined. She wasn’t having it though.

Then went on to say how wonderful her son is (golden child). I’m with her other son, this massively pissed me off! I know she is his mother, but he is my husband and I’m not going to sit there and nod along when I feel someone is putting my other half down!

I said to her, well of course your son can come and help you with the move because he is rich and if he gets caught it’s fine as he can easily afford the £200 fine, it would be like handing over a couple of pounds to him. She then said that “it’s not about the money” meaning it’s about the thought of wanting to help instead. I said of course it’s about the money- of course your son (my partner) wants to come and help but if he gets caught we are in debt, we have lost our jobs and have a mortgage to pay that we can’t even do at the minute let alone a £200 fine on top, he just can’t do it!

The conversation about it stopped after that and was moved on to something else and whilst I did stay civil through the rest of the call, once I got off I was fuming! She always treats the golden son like he is a legend and my partner is like the failure back boy who isn’t successful in life (he doesn’t have a career job, but has always worked- always!)

I fee a little sorry for him but he is obviously used to it.

Would you have gotten annoyed if your partners mum said this to you? Implying your partner doesn’t want to help because he doesn’t care as much as golden son, when in fact we can’t afford to get fined, we’ve been so unlucky due to covid that it’s almost written in the stars he would get caught the second he stepped out of our door! It’s been totally rubbish for us and everything that could go wrong has! Hence why we don’t want to risk it.

I would have been worried about getting fined too op, especially after those 2 women with their 'picnic' which was actually a rake away coffee and a walk!

Gov guidance (and yes, it's guidance, not law) is that removal firms should be first port of call, but:
'If removal firms are unavailable, another household can help you move your belongings, but social distancing guidelines and hygiene measures should be followed where possible.'

It does say 'another household' not 'one other household' so don't know if that's an important distinction or not?!

Ohh I see! Well that’s not very good. Looks like the golden childs legendary helping skills will be sung from the rooftops for a while longer then! 🤦🏽‍♀️

X post!

Also, if it is one household that's MIL, BIL makes 3, total, surely?

At the same time, Katy- you and he don't have to go if you don't want to!

From a point of view of containing spread, whether it's removals men or family members makes little difference. It has to be done. Having a cup of tea is a luxury, this is a necessity.

However if you go and help, you do risk catching it.

If she is difficult and unappreciative, then he may not want to go.

@WeeDangerousSpike great minds!

OP I wouldn’t risk the fine, it only takes one busy body to call the police on a quiet day.

Also, if DH’s brother is the golden child, offering your help for the day won’t change that. Taking a big step back might.

If it's "not about the money" for her then just say you will come and help but she has to pay the fine if you get one?

@Magnificentmug12

Happy to help actually- anything to get us out this house!!

I was petrified of getting fined. We have gone into debt due to covid.

The aunt isn’t elderly, nor the mum- around late 40’s early 50’s. We are all in our 20’s.

I just can’t see how how 6 young adults and 2 kids being together is ok for moving for 2 whole days but we can’t be together for a 30 minute cup of tea!! That’s madness!!

Well if we can go and help and get to see the family without getting fined then it’s win win for us all!

Thanks mumsnet

Can't he just go ? You and the kids don't need to go surely ? They'd just be in the way.

@Magnificentmug12 yabu for mentioning it to your husband. Even if it is true and by your post it doesn’t sound like his mum said anything too bad or proves the other son is the golden child, why would you mention it to your husband? It would just make him feel bad? You sound like you’re just stirring!

Their not our children. The golden sons children, we don’t have kids yet.

So it’s aunt in law- one person in one house- mother in law and brother in law one house- but support bubble with the aunt- then golden son with wife and 2 kids- she will be at work so kids will be with him. Then me and parter. 6 adults 2 kids- 4 houses but one is in a support bubble with the other- so just 3 households I guess.

If the golden child is rich why isn't he paying for a removal firm for his auntie?

I think a few people have missed a few points here (desperate for some 'holier than thou' kicking). It's the aunt that's moving, not the mum. It's so very nice of her nephew to offer to help, as he is able to. That doesn't mean the op's husband is in the same situation. Judging by the opening post, the ops husband is out of area and struggling financially so travel alone would cost. Its also all well and good saying he wouldn't get fined, but does he have the means to prove going to help his aunt is an 'essential journey'? One copper who's excessively sticking to the rules is all it would take. Plus it's lockdown! Jeez this is the same site that on another thread would berate anyone for going to a supermarket more than once a month, never mind mixing 4 households .

@Magnificentmug12 I think it's quite clear that these issues stem further than this one incident. You are obviously stressed, and worried. I dont think you did anything wrong, and whilst your MiL obviously would like some help, I think right now expecting for your husband is a bit much. No is a perfectly valid answer for what she was asking at the moment.

Government guidance states:

“ If removal firms are unavailable, another household can help you move your belongings, but social distancing guidelines and hygiene measures should be followed where possible”

Another household is not multiple households. It also says:

“People outside your household or support bubble should not help with moving house unless absolutely necessary.”

I would take that to mean anyone in your Aunt’s support bubble can help and one other household. Though they would prefer you use removal firms. I saw a previous poster said that wouldn’t make much difference (removal firms have employees from multiple households) but the removal firm staff are more likely to wear their masks and maintain social distancing than family will.

I would say you and your partner are right not to help, you could be fined. You could offer to go in place of the golden child, as he will have to look after his kids too but that’s up to you.