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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Insecure / jealous of his ex

21 replies

insecure21 · 15/02/2021 19:36

This is my issue - presumably because I have low self esteem but I don't know how to move past it.

I am obsessed with DPs ex. Feel insecure and jealous.

She's not just a normal ex. She is very very beautiful, gorgeous figure and style. Very intelligent and runs her own successful business. I know from him / mutual friends that she's also a genuinely lovely person, lots of friends etc. Really rich in her own right and rich parents.

Her and DP both went to public school and I just feel like a total downgrade - average looking, not intelligent, not many friends, a very OK job that I have not progressed in and have very low self esteem. I don't excel at anything.

I just think he'd be so much happier with her and that all his friends must think that too.

OP posts:
Royalbloo · 15/02/2021 19:38

Comparison is the thief of joy. It sounds like a cliche but it's true.

Can you erase her from your mind?

Royalbloo · 15/02/2021 19:38

Plus, he obviously doesn't think so, and that's what matters

Original poster
insecure21 · 15/02/2021 19:44

@Royalbloo I so want to erase it from my mind! I just don't know how

OP posts:
CatsNotDogs · 15/02/2021 19:46

Why did they split up?

Original poster
insecure21 · 15/02/2021 19:47

@CatsNotDogs he broke up with her, I think he just felt too young to be tied down. He did have a wobble about it a few years later but she was no longer interested.

OP posts:
CatsNotDogs · 15/02/2021 19:51

I'm sure she's amazing to a lot of people OP, she sounds lovely. But if she was that amazing to him he wouldn't have let her go x

MarylinMonrue · 15/02/2021 20:04

How do you know he had a wobble about it and - presumably? - tried to get back with her? Did he tell you that?

Createsuser · 15/02/2021 20:12

How do you know he doesn’t feel at home and at peace around you? That you are the love of his life? He probably believes that you will love him and be there for him. If he has chosen you who are you to decide you aren’t good enough. From my perspective in my youth I had a very good looking boyfriend. Other girls were botching at me for being with him, flirting with him all the time, touching him- I was totally miserable. The person who made me feel happiest wasn’t particularly good looking at all. Maybe she took him for granted, was never home, snored and drooled and only wanted sec once a week? Who knows. Either way, he doesn’t want her he wants you. The insecurity isn’t to do with her but with you.

2306IRW · 15/02/2021 20:13

Just remember he split with her, if she was that great he'd still be with her.
Its you he goes home to after a day at work, you he goes to bed with every night and you who he chooses to share his life with xxx

roarfeckingroarr · 15/02/2021 20:15

They're not together anymore, so why be jealous? It makes no sense and will only eat you up.

lookout198991 · 15/02/2021 20:27

How do you feel about your relationship generally? I was secretly obsessed with my ex-boyfriend's ex in my early 20s, I spent much time stalking her online, and comparing us. I was ashamed of my behaviour and couldn't understand why I was behaving so irrationally - it is and was so at odds with my character and the way I generally think about other women. On reflection, I think it was because I knew deep down that my ex wasn't that into me. I knew that he had been deeply in love with her and I think I was fixating on her, rather than facing the real issue. Might not be what's going on with you, but worth considering (because I'm sure you know all the obvious stuff - that how people relate to one another in relationships has nothing to do with how surface successful and brilliant someone is, that he's chosen to be with you etc.).

I'm a big fan of counselling, and think it could be helpful here to help you unpack what is going on, and how you can change your mindset.

fillyraglen · 15/02/2021 20:33

Yup what @Createsuser said. (Also my friend has a theory that people who are good-looking are less good in the sack, and people who are more average-plain looking are better because they have to work harder and don't rely on their looks)

Playnoh · 15/02/2021 21:00

Op you’ve posted about this before haven’t you?

I think you need to find a way to deal with your anxieties surrounding this. Maybe therapy or CBT.

Angrymum22 · 15/02/2021 21:16

If beauty was the only thing men were attracted to then the human race would have died out long ago. Physical beauty fades, intelligence, sense of fun and sex just get better as you age.
I don’t believe in right person wrong time. I think if you are right for each other then it’s the right time. I think it’s a get out phrase used to spare the others feelings when you realise that what you have is not enough. Not all relationships end badly, there just aren’t enough reasons to stay together.
Your DH chose you because you are right for him.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 15/02/2021 21:19

The bottom line OP is: he's with YOU not her, and there's a reason for that.

Do they have kids?

Original poster
insecure21 · 15/02/2021 21:21

Thank you everyone.

@Playnoh no I haven't, I am starting therapy though as my self esteem isn't good and this is a symptom rather than a cause I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
insecure21 · 15/02/2021 21:22

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows no kids. Many mutual friends though.

OP posts:
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 15/02/2021 21:32

Is he still in touch with her then? Is this how you know so much about her or is it from the likes of social media?

Original poster
insecure21 · 15/02/2021 21:58

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows bit of both. I have stalked her but their mutual friends often post pics with her in / see her

OP posts:
cheezy · 16/02/2021 07:38

I had this with the ex of an ex boyfriend and I think it was as lookout says, it was my gut telling me that all was not well in our relationship, so I wonder if that’s a factor here. Your DP should make you feel safe and secure, do you think he’s contributing to your insecurity at all OP?

Cpl1586407 · 16/02/2021 07:44

Stop looking at social media. Try to build yourself up and have confidence. If you don't think you deserve this man then no one else will either.

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