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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Single Mum Signed Off Work With PTSD

44 replies

LonePenguin · 15/02/2021 19:22

I have 2 children aged 8 and 4. Today I've been signed off work for a month with PTSD/ anxiety. The GP and work didn't mention anything but I'm worried after disclosing my symptoms (nightmares/flashbacks and panic attacks) either work or my doctor will call Social Services. Am I an unfit mother if I'm too ill to work? (Ex seems to think so).

OP posts:

Christmasfairy2020 · 15/02/2021 20:50

Your kids will be entitled to a school place with your mental health, xx

TheBigFatMermaid · 15/02/2021 20:52

My friend was working nights and leaving her three younger children in the care of her 14 year old son. Her ex (father to all ) tried reporting her to SS. Their reply..... What are you going to do to help her? Are you going to help more with the children? YOUR children?

Totally scuppered him!!

SS do use common sense, and so do doctors. Employers do too, and unless yours is particularly odd, it won't occur to them to report you for being ill.

Doctor will be happy you are seeking help.

In the unlikely event you get reported, SS will be glad you are getting help.

Overall, I would say you have nothing to worry about.

TheNortherner · 15/02/2021 20:53

Yep I can confirm if refuse anti depressants a doctor may threaten you with social services. Happened to me, I was shocked, I was after councilling and was going through a really shitty time due to ex that i knew would end but was making me really low. I had already stressed that my children were fine and not at risk, were fed/clothed/went to school/loved etc. When she threatened me with social services i told her I thought that was a low thing to say and how when someone comes in looking for help why if i refuse to take drugs should social services be called. I have never forgotten that and now makes me paranoid about going to the doctors about anything.

user1471538283 · 15/02/2021 21:03

I promise you it takes alot more than being signed off sick for whatever reason to have your children taken off you. You have to be proven to be unfit and you are not! You have clearly demonstrated that you are unwell and you have sought help.

My ex pulled this one to try to scare me. Tell him next time that you will see him in court. If he cannot have the children more now then he is not to want them full time.

My friends neighbour took and dealt drugs, sold drugs to minors, screamed all the time, barely fed her child, would go missing, the child was known to be at risk and finally after 6 years she lost custody briefly. You are none of these things!

Try to concentrate on you and the children and you will get better.

Sunny4876 · 15/02/2021 21:08

OP please dont worry about ss,I had suicidal thoughts and thoughts of taking childrens lives too after one breakdown and my gp and crisis team still didn't think as needed to be involved.You're seeking help,realised you're struggling and are being pro-active about it,well done.

LoadsOfTrouble · 15/02/2021 21:11

OP, yes he tried to be a twat and succeeded fully. I hope the month off work helps, and that you'll have fun with the kids.

MRex · 15/02/2021 21:14

If your ex gets in touch with Social Services, all they would want to do is make sure you're being supported. Try not to give him anything to use against you in future, lesson learned.

Do you have anyone nearby who can help support you and your DD in the myriad practical and emotional ways you need right now? Even a quite casual friend may well be happy to step up for a few months to help you rest and work on your recovery. Or a few casual friends to each help a little?

MRex · 15/02/2021 21:15

DC not DD!!

Anothermother3 · 15/02/2021 21:19

No OP that is definitely not enough for social services. Around 1 in 4 adults experience mental health problems at some point I’m pretty sure social services wouldn’t keep up if that was the criteria. If you were not able to care for them as you were so depressed you couldn’t see to their needs that would be different. Do send them to school and try and rest a bit. I hope you are getting therapy for the PTSD and medication if you need it.

Thisyearcandoone · 15/02/2021 21:24

I'm sorry your struggling and your mental well-being has taken a dip.

Looking in from the outside it's simple to see your ex is trying to scare you.

In normal times you'd laugh in his face, but because your not feeling so great right now it's hard to move on from what he said.

Ignore ignore ignore and one day you'll be able to look back and realise he was being a dick.

Iliketeaagain · 15/02/2021 21:27

OP - I was diagnosed with PTSD while pregnant with my second DC. The midwife recognised it at my booking in appointment as a result of my reaction to having to see her and I was diagnosed by the perinatal mental health team.

Social services was never mentioned a single time, I was having nightmares most nights, panic attacks at every medical appointment. They only thing the midwife, GP and consultant checked was that I was getting support.

I think if SS end up involved by referral from your GP (which is unlikely- they would have told you they were referring) they are more likely to support you to get your children school places so you get a break during the day rather than anything else.

Onsiesarethenewblack · 15/02/2021 21:27

Op, I'm a children's social worker and at the moment we have two people off in our team for mental health issues (stress/depression/anxiety)
They haven't been asked to give their kids back.

IF your doctor was worried about your ability to look after your children - examples I could think of would be if you described thoughts about acting on suicide, or being so overwhelmed that you couldn't get out of bed to do basics like very them to school or make food - then they would discuss with you if they felt a referral was necessary. The only way they'd do it without telling you is if they felt there was immediate danger and that's rare, and has to be with really good cause (like, they thought if they said something you might go and hurt the children to keep them away from us sort of rare)

If a parent wanted support while they were dealing with the type of mental health issues you describe, then they'd most likely be offered a service at a level below a social worker, eg family support. Social workers only tend to get involved if there's a) evidence that the parents mental health issues are causing significant harm to the child, and b) either there wasn't any MH support for the parent, or parent wasn't working on their MH for any reason, which meant that the situation wasn't likely to improve.

By MH support I don't just mean formal MH services, but whatever means a person uses in their own MH recovery.

I hope that provides some reassurance.

WannabemoreWeaver · 15/02/2021 21:28

You would only be reported if your mental health meant you could not look after your kids. So depression as such is not a reason to report, but if the depressed person cant bring themselves to get out of bed in the morning, that would be if there was no one else around looking after the children. For most people with mental health problems, their children are the one thing that helps them keep going and any health professional should understand that.

Exs often say crap like this to intimidate, especially if they have been abusive. Just another way to abuse you. Ignore it.

unicornsarereal72 · 15/02/2021 21:35

I hope everyone has reassured you. You are clearly having a difficult time. Well done on seeking out support. I promise you social services will have No interest in your situation.
In normal times
Are the children in school on time
Do home work
Clean and presentable
Fed
Part of a loving and supportive family.
Seek medical treatment when necessary.

I have seen children in some terrible neglectful places and social services have been ineffective.

If there were any genuine concerns social services work with family to offer help and support.

Many. Many people are struggling in these difficult times. Be kind to yourself. And stop contacting your ex.

Mo81 · 15/02/2021 21:38

Please dont worry. I have ptsd and ond and nobody has reported me

UndertheCedartree · 15/02/2021 21:42

I had a mental breakdown - the full works - sectioned and in hospital for 3 years. So as you can see pretty serious. I was diagnosed with a serious long-term mental illness. I have Children's Services involvement but at no point have I been unable to see the children and by the time I was having regular home leave I was caring for them alone (single mum). I have been discharged from hospital for 6 months now and have my DC with me. My DC have been on a Child in need plan never Child protection.

Please don't stop yourself being honest/getting the help you need for fear of Children's services. They are there to help. I'm too ill to work but am not deemed unfit by Children's services. They first became involved after an A&E admission via ambulance - from my experience the paramedics do often make a referral. They tell you they are doing it. If the GP hasn't said I very much doubt they have done so. When I was heading to breakdown I saw the GP weekly and they never reffered me. Please don't worry (hard not to, I know!) and please take good care of yourself - you deserve it. Wishing you well

Happymum12345 · 15/02/2021 21:55

I have PTSD and I have barely been able to focus on my own children for a long time. Every case is different. If you feel that you can look after your children and are coping well, that's really good. I hope that you get all the help that you need and deserve.

GranaryBread47 · 15/02/2021 21:55

You absolutely are not an unfit mother.

Social services are, as always, incredibly busy and under-funded so they are only interested in very high-risk individuals. A loving mother of two children who needs a break from work to support her mental health isn't likely to even catch a glimpse of them. They'd be more likely to brush you off than cause you any grief.

I hope this break gives you a chance to get some support. You can tell your ex you're a good mother and a good person with full conviction next time he starts up.

Original poster

LonePenguin · 15/02/2021 23:18

Thanks all I'm in tears reading your replies. Ex definitely knows my vulnerabilities and how to exploit them. I've spent so long worrying today about my boss thinking I'm an unfit parent and reporting me. I hate that he still has that power over me. I'm going to take the advice on this thread and limit what and how I tell him things so he can't hurt me.

OP posts:

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