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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being irrational?

19 replies

VaccsyPoxsy · 15/02/2021 16:40

Background- married 15 years - I’m 39/husband 47
Moved to the Uk 15 years back - worked for 15 years - mid management role in finance
Husband - been here longer- Director level role
Own house etc- daughter in private school

I’ve held my job for 15 years and climbed the ladder so has husband but his journey has been not smooth- he was also made redundant but has got into a role.

I’m not happy- our marriage is not working (it’s a different topic) because we want different things- his way of life is always being on the edge - I would like to live my life without feeling like this all the time. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks-work has been so stressful and I’ve started cbt. I told him after 15 years of feeling like a hamster in a wheel I would like to take a carrier break-
A few months to feel like ‘me’ again- without the constant feeling of promotions - saving- next role- child a child achieving more in school etc. His vow is I need to have a plan for this- I need to have a project before taking a break. I assured him I won’t quit ( although in a different relationship I would have) and I’ll keep the beak to a minimum 6 months but I don’t think he gets it - according to him this is ‘dead time’
Am I being unreasonable in my wish?

OP posts:

Sylvac · 15/02/2021 16:50

Yes- sorry

You sound like you are having a mid life crisis

In the real world. You have a stable job that you want to leave to find yourself . Your DH has a job that has been unstable in the past .

The next few years will be horrendous with unemployment. You need to think about security. What if you can't get another job? You lose your home? Your child has to leave their school?

We all have times when we feel like this and you are at the prime age for feeling that life has passed you by.

Pull up your big girl pants and get on with it.
Think about what you can add to your current life. Volunteering?
If you feel the same way in 5 years and the world is a stable job place then maybe - but to do so now would be reckless beyond belief.

Original poster

VaccsyPoxsy · 15/02/2021 16:59

@Sylvac I wasn’t clear- when I said career break it’s a sabbatical- I would go back to my role.

It’s not to find myself- it’s to have a break from the stress

Yes I might be having a mid life crisis and I do feel my life’s been lost

OP posts:

SeasonFinale · 15/02/2021 17:03

If the company you work for allows you to have sabbaticals then I would definitely go for it.

I may wait until the world opens a bit if your DH needs you to have a project and that project can be travel!!

But if your plan is to have the time off to lie in bed all day because that is what you want then that is okay too.

Saz12 · 15/02/2021 17:08

It’s pointless to work for “stuff” that you don’t value, in a marriage you don’t want to stay in. You only get one life, after all. But...

But if you take a sabbatical and want to stay with DH, who doesn’t want his lifestyle impacted then you fund the sabbatical yourself, eg chipping into pension savings knowing that you’d need to retire later.

Playnoh · 15/02/2021 17:09

I’m not sure what you want your post is really jumbled.

AStudyinPink · 15/02/2021 17:12

You’re saying your DH works in a Director level finance role and you’re desperate for a 6 month break to replenish yourself?

Original poster

VaccsyPoxsy · 15/02/2021 17:16

I think my head is all scrambled - he works director level

I work mid management in finance- I have my years salary saved- if I take 6 month sabbatical I would dip into that

OP posts:

AnarchicLemming · 15/02/2021 17:18

Of course you're not being irrational. You are being reasonable. And sensible. Far better to have a 6 mth career break than a serious personal crisis further down the line due to having ignored your feelings.

You do need to have a plan, but it must be YOUR plan.

Explore all your options and sit tight until you find one that gives you the security you need for your daughter.

If you're not happy in your job, it's going to have a knock-on effect on your marriage, and vice-versa. Just don't do anything drastic till you've had a good think.

AStudyinPink · 15/02/2021 17:19

Okay. You literally live once. I would not be able to remain married to someone who seriously opposed my needs. You are absolutely entitled to take such a break, and he should support you as you would him.

Sylvac · 15/02/2021 17:21

Can he take a career break as well?

Palavah · 15/02/2021 17:30

How long did you husband have out of work after redundancy before he found his next role? And how was that funded?

You're not irrational to want a break. When was the last time you took holiday?

sunflowersandbuttercups · 15/02/2021 17:40

Can you afford to take a sabbatical? I don't think they're generally funded in the UK, so who will fund it?

I totally get the need for a break, but if DH just announced that he was going to take six months off work, unpaid, I wouldn't be too impressed to be honest. Especially if it meant I was going to be lumbered with all the bills and financial costs.

I don't think this is a decision you can make on your own. If you're stressed and unhappy, then you need to sit down and talk about it. However if you're unhappy in your marriage, I have a feeling the solution lies in dealing with that, not in taking a career break.

Original poster

VaccsyPoxsy · 15/02/2021 17:44

Husband was redundant for 8 months- was paid via the lump sum he received as the redundancy package- did not touch the savings then.

If I go on sabbatical I can fund it as I have my annual salary saved- I don’t spend on much except for my daughters school fee.

OP posts:

AStudyinPink · 15/02/2021 17:47

Totally reasonable, OP. We don’t live to work, and I don’t think a person should get married unless they’re prepared to be flexible about the other person’s needs.

Cadent · 15/02/2021 17:51

Why not just leave him, OP?

I think he is the cause of your anxiety, you’ll be a lot less anxious when you’re free of him.

How is the financial / house situation?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/02/2021 17:52

Jesus that sounds hard.

We've each had a few breaks. We haven't always had the cash to do it but we have always supported each other to regroup.

That has included redundancies, we've each had 4 years out to do degrees, illness, physical for him stress based for me. We've always discussed it and worked out how to make a single salary work.

I can't imagine living with someone who didn't make space for that conversation. Especially as you are talking about a bloody sabattical!

MaLarkinn · 15/02/2021 17:58

Go for it op.

edwinbear · 15/02/2021 18:04

In the current environment? No, I absolutely wouldn't do this. If you take a sabbatical and your work realise they can manage perfectly well without you, you may well not have a job to go back to and finding a new role will be very, very difficult. You risk your home, taking your DC out of school because you feel you need a break. Now is really not the time. I'd park the idea and come back to it in 12 months time or so when things have calmed down a bit.

Original poster

VaccsyPoxsy · 15/02/2021 21:17

Probably a pipe dream of mine..

OP posts:

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