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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex, DC, contact - help

20 replies

Vetyverio · 15/02/2021 09:13

Name changed for this...

So, I have an almost 10yo DD with ex, his new partner has a 5yo DS and is expecting another soon. They live in a 2 bed house.

He has contact for 4-6 nights a month + half school holidays.

AIBU to not be thrilled that she’s expected to continue sharing a room with a boy for the foreseeable future? She’s pretty early developing and I expect may start periods etc soon so really needs some privacy. I’m not implying anything untoward, he’s only a little boy obviously.

I’m trying to not be clouded be the fact that I don’t understand why they are having another baby when they can’t adequately provide for the ones they have and he pays bare minimum maintenance.

DD just wants to please her dad so I need to know if I should be stepping in here... we usually have a pretty amicable relationship but if he feels I’m criticising then he gets super defensive.

How would you handle? Any advice?
Thank you!

OP posts:

Aimee1987 · 15/02/2021 09:23

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/in-the-home/sharing-a-bedroom/
Technically it's not illegal, the odd night wont do much harm but half holidays and regular term time this isnt suitable for an almost secondary school age developing pre teen.
The nspcc website I linked above is a good resource. They suggest conversations with the child to see how they feel. Have you asked your ex what his plans are regarding her entering puberty. Do they plan on moving to a bigger house.
Its ultimately up to your daughter. If she gets to the point she is not comfortable with the sleeping arrangements then she is at the age that she can choose not to go to dads house.
What are your arrangements. Are they legal or agreed between yourselves. I dont know if the courts would force regular overnight with a child of a different sex if she doesnt want to.

Original poster

Vetyverio · 15/02/2021 09:30

My challenge is she adores her dad (proper Disney dad) so would never say she wasn’t happy with it if she thought it would upset him or meant she’d see less of him.

We’ve been separated for almost 8 years and everything has been informally agreed between us as I wanted to just keep the peace for DDs sake so no court order etc.

OP posts:

Aimee1987 · 15/02/2021 10:05

Theres little you can do. If you stop her going your the bad guy who's keeping her away from her dad.
If she is not uncomfortable then I wouldn't push it for now. But perhaps ask dad what the plan is for puberty. Also talk to her about puberty stuff and privacy and tell her you there if she needs to talk. Teenagers start to see through Disney dad crap and she may well get to the point in the next couple of years where having some privacy is more important.

You could talk to a solicitor about restricting overnight stay but I think at 10 the courts take the opinions of the child into account t so I'm not sure how well this would go.

funinthesun19 · 15/02/2021 10:11

My ds shares with his younger sister. 4 year age gap (6 and 2 but they won’t remain that age forever). Apart from getting a bigger house, I really don’t know what the solution is and I don’t know what your ex’s solution is either.

user1493413286 · 15/02/2021 10:18

I’m not sure you have much of an argument to be honest; things like getting changed obviously need to be in the bathroom or some agreed privacy around how that works so the 5 year old isn’t just barging in.

Iwonder08 · 15/02/2021 10:23

There is nothing you can do. I also can't see how getting a new baby impacts the rooms distribution. If they live in 2 bedroom house your daughter would have to share a bedroom with the boy anyway. Ifbshe feels uncomfortable in future she should be able to raise it with her dad. It is also entirely possible her dad is not entirely stupid and might actually think about rooms in his house and impact on his children without ex's help.
OP, I would wait and see how it goes

Happycat1212 · 15/02/2021 10:32

I think YABU, I’m in a council house and although you are technically entitled to an extra room when one is 10 doesn’t mean you get it. I’ve just been speaking to someone whose got a 14 year old son and a 10 year old girl in the same room because she can’t get anywhere bigger. It’s not ideal and if she is only there 4/6 nights a month then I don’t think it’s the end of the world. I was told it was perfectly fine for my 4 children (boys and girls) to share one bed bedroom with their father so 2 in one bedroom doesn’t seem so bad to me.

Original poster

Vetyverio · 15/02/2021 10:33

The new baby point was more that the baby will be moving in with them as well at some point... obviously not an immediate concern but given they already struggling for space for the 2 children they have it’s an odd choice IMO

OP posts:

Original poster

Vetyverio · 15/02/2021 10:36

@Happycat1212 that’s awful! Makes me really sad that that’s deemed good enough.

Are they all related? Maybe I’d feel differently but obviously she’s not biologically related to the boy she’s sharing with. I don’t know.

My gut says it’s not a situation I like her being in, just trying to work out if theres anything I could/should do about it.

OP posts:

Happycat1212 · 15/02/2021 10:39

Yes they are siblings but still technically shouldn’t be sharing after a certain age due to privacy and oldest has autism anyway so isn’t able to share a room but apparently it doesn’t matter. I read it wrong and thought it was her half brother? So it’s his partners son, I can see more where your concerns are now.

RandomMess · 15/02/2021 10:40

Your DD will get used to using the bathroom to get changed in etc. Perhaps you could start encouraging her to do that soon and just let her Dad know that's she's starting to develop and to get her into the habit of getting ready for bed and in the mornings in the bathroom before it becomes an issue.

Original poster

Vetyverio · 15/02/2021 10:41

Sorry, didn’t mean to confuse. It’s his partners son.

exP is a total ostrich so will ignore this until they are 18 if he can possibly get away with it 😂

OP posts:

Yesmate · 15/02/2021 10:43

She is only going to be sleeping in there. Make sure there are some rules about where she gets changed etc and that everyone knows what they are.

needadvice54321 · 15/02/2021 10:45

I'd not be comfortable as time goes on, esp with them not being biologically brother/sister. I'm not sure there's much you can do about it, if you're feeling brave have a chat with your ex about your concerns and see if he has any solutions?

RandomMess · 15/02/2021 10:45

She may well want to switch weekends/not go in the holidays when she's on her period but you can cross that bridge nearer the time.

Original poster

Vetyverio · 15/02/2021 10:52

Would it be reasonable to suggest we realign weekends to match when the boy goes to his dads?

Happy to have a conversation with exP just don’t want to be totally unreasonable

OP posts:

LemonTT · 15/02/2021 11:01

@Vetyverio

Would it be reasonable to suggest we realign weekends to match when the boy goes to his dads?

Happy to have a conversation with exP just don’t want to be totally unreasonable

It really depends on your relationship with the ex and his wife. This is an issue for their family which includes your daughter.

No one likes an outsider interfering in their family arrangements. And to some extent that’s what you are. Be honest if the situation was reversed would you be happy having him making helpful suggestions or changes to your family life and home.

I’d be be unhappy with someone doing that. They know the needs of their family and for all you know will be doing something about it.

You need to tread carefully.

RandomMess · 15/02/2021 11:01

I would just say that in a few years it may need to be an option. Basically just sow seeds for now.

Original poster

Vetyverio · 15/02/2021 11:11

I get what you’re saying @LemonTT, I just feel like they aren’t taking my daughters needs into consideration at all and taking advantage of the fact that she’s compliant and won’t cause a fuss. It’s a very tricky balance and relationship to navigate when my instinct is to advocate for her... somehow without interference in their life. She seems very much an after thought in their plans and when she dotes on her dad as much as she does it’s pretty heartbreaking to watch.

OP posts:

needadvice54321 · 15/02/2021 11:32

It is difficult to stand back isn't it. If you and your ex were together you'd talk about issues etc and solve them together, because you're not there's a part of your daughters life that you have to stand back and let it happen - just hoping your ex does the right thing.

Like a pp said, I'd probably have a quiet word, say what you're worried about - try not to bring the boy into it (it isn't his fault), but talk about your worries for her having privacy etc

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