To ask for your recommends on raising boys books?

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And not the Biddulph one which I think is a load of outdated sexist crap!

Anyone got a good recommends for a book on dealing with pre-teen/ teen boy?? Our 11 year old is driving us nuts with backtalk, negative talk, being too rough with siblings etc. Moodiness.

Generally a sweet, lovely kid so not anything out of the ordinary ( we think) for a boy with puberty around the corner.
But find myself losing it with him more and more and punishments/ consequences are starting to feel like we’re just in a big negative circle of bad behaviour/punishment...

Dr Ranj has a new book out this week about boys growing up which looks good. Age 11/12 has been the worst for attitude and behaviour etc for us although horrendous (ds15&12). Easier with ds2 as we'd been there before. Its a big adjustment at that age particularly starting high school and the very different world they are suddenly in. Lots of talking openly and in a more grown up way about things helps and less punishments more positive reinforcement. Sorry to say both of mine suddenly found their younger siblings highly annoying at this age. Part of growing up I think, I hope they regain some kind of closer relationship as they mature.
I'd also say that our gaming/online time restrictions are deliberately lax at the moment. It's their only way of socialising and has been vital I think in keeping them on a even keel.

*not horrendous I should have said!

I can't see how any parenting book is going to help at the moment, given the unique lockdown circumstances.

The most useful parenting book I've read has been How To Talk To Kids...(Faber and Mazlish I think) it was good for when they were wee, and it still holds true now that I have a 13 yr old and a 10 yr old.

Unconditional Parenting (Alfie Kohn) might help you reflect on your own upbringing in a different light. It's not a 'how to' but it gave me some useful insights. One of these was that the way I was brought up might feel "normal" to me, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's the only or the best way to raise children.

When we lived in NZ I read Growing Gorgeous Boys Into Good Men by Celia Lashlie. It was another eye-opener. She's a former prison officer, and this research / book was part of NZs attempts to deal with the toxic masculine culture that was, and still is, landing many men and boys in prison for making very poor choices in life and the reasons behind these. It might be a bit NZ / Oz centric for you though. Certainly, as a mother, I learnt that I need to step the hell back and stop being such a control freak: this is a work in progress!

When my own 13 yr old gives a bit of backchat, I try not to rise. I remind him that I don't talk to him that way and point out that he's being rude. I also remind him that while being a smartarse might be okay with his mates, it's not okay when talking to grown ups. Sometimes I think he's copying someone that he's seen on Tiktok or Youtube or whatever, he's trying out this version of communication, seeing how it works and what's acceptable and when. Treat it like an anthropological experiment rather than a personal insult, or as a side of his behaviour to be crushed and expelled ;-) It's hard to go against your own upbringing, if you've been treated harshly as a child in this respect.

Oh and we have very few gaming restrictions. As long as school work, sleep, socialising (as best they can - and this is part of gaming), sport (again, when he can) and a bit of outdoor / family time each day, he's free to spend his spare time doing what he wants. It was part of treating him like a grown up tbh.

Thanks, some really great advice here.

The severe gaming restrictions are because DS has a terrible time focussing and has been a nightmare to homeschool. So schoolwork definitely not up to scratch.
Also DW and I both work/ worked in educational research looking a digital and online learning and the impact of gaming, even educational learning, on younger brains in particular is a double edged sword to say the least. And the effect on the focus and concentration span of younger children can be awful, and given we already have a kid challenged in that dept. we do have to limit his digital/online time.

@miimblemomble thanks, good advice!

Who’s to know what’s normal pre-teen behavior and what’s not during a pandemic. It’s so difficult.

Surprised my teens made it this far I've never read a raising a child book 😆 didn't know we could get manules.

@MissMarpleDarling well done you, but given the 1’000s of baby, toddler, puberty, books about parenting out there then there are obviously people who find then useful.
You honestly never noticed that parenting bios exist? I mean, you are literally posting on a forum aimed at supporting parents and parenting...

I have just finished 'Get Out of My Life, but first take me and Alex into town', as often recommended on here. I thought it was worth reading - didn't like/agree with all of it, but definitely some new ideas and useful ways of framing things.
I have also recently read 'Untangled' which is about teenage girls, but is excellent.
In terms of understanding the teenage brain/teenage experience, The Incredible Teenage Brain and Blame My Brain are both good. (I read a lot of this stuff for work as well.)
I don't really understand the scorn for you wanting to do some research from some quarters on here. Why wouldn't you gather some information and knowledge and then apply it to your own situation?

@barnanabas I guess there are just people who scorn reading books or ‘ manules’ on parenting but are happy to take advice, or give it, on parenting websites.

@MissMarpleDarling

Surprised my teens made it this far I've never read a raising a child book 😆 didn't know we could get manules.

Maybe you should try reading more it might improve your spelling