Is my marriage slowly ending?

[Workinghardorhardlyworking]

I have name changed just in case as previous posts and comments have been pretty outing!

I think my husband is checking out of our marriage and lives, we have three children under three (for the sake of honesty, two planned and one not).

He just doesn’t seem happy at all, he’s not really affectionate at all anymore, we don’t really talk much and we never really have sex anymore.

Our lives are very full on at the moment as two of our children are going through sleep regressions and he works full time. (I was meant to go back to work last month but COVID delayed it so I start March 8th)

He doesn’t have any patience for our children, he just wants to sit on his phone or watch tv and can’t be bothered with them. He gets so mad so quickly and just ends up yelling and then leaving me to deal with them.

I’ve asked him if he’s okay, I asked him if he wants to talk to me or someone outside of our circle but he says he doesn’t. I have tried to ask him if he feels he may be struggling emotionally or mentally but he just gets defensive.

Honestly it doesn’t feel like he loves me anymore and it really doesn’t feel like he wants to be a father, should I just leave? I still love him more than anything but it’s so exhausting and draining living like this!

It's totally unfair that he has parked all the work of raising three little kids on you, whilst he struggles emotionally. But, very common, and the realities of having a young family have probably hit him like a sledgehammer so he has taken advantage of your good nature to check out of the marriage for a while. Of course, it works for him that you are sympathetic, and I haven't made any demands.

In your shoes, I would now be having a very firm "shape up or ship out" conversation. Tell him what you've told us - that you realise the family is hard work but it's hard work for you too, and without his love and support it's unbearable. That unless he figures out what is wrong for himself and fixes it, or engages in some conversations with you to work out what is wrong and address it with you, then you don't see any future with him. Say you need to see some immediate improvement in his engagement with the kids and you as a show of faith - have a lost of 3 specific small things youd like him to fix that are reasonable eg limiting phone time when he is with the family, helping with the kids, etc. Ask him if he sees it any differently to you and why. If he won't have the conversation or gets angry, then ask him to find a time within the next two days when he DOES feel ready to talk about it. If he fails to allow you to talk about it, or if he fails to make the changes you ask for, then you need to feed it back after one week and escalat it.

Before you kick him out though, do take stock of the usual things, eg shared finance, practicalities if you are going back to work soon ( how would you cope with the kids, could a relative come to stay and help for a while?), does he have a friend or family he could easily go and stay with.

I think this is probably of fixable, honestly. I don't think you want to break up, you just want your partner back, right? So it is a question of finding the best way to kick him up the backside and consider what's at stake here.

@SillyOldMummy
Firstly, thank you so much for your reply. I wasn’t sure I was explaining it well but you’ve fully understood how I feel and just the idea that you think it can be fixed made me cry... I desperately don’t want us to end, and I’m so scared to have the actual conversation with him because if he wants to because he’s truly unhappy I won’t stop him, I wouldn’t want him to live unhappy, but it’s almost like I’m scared that me bringing it up will spur him on to make that decision.

I’m going to see if we can talk this evening and even just agree that everything isn’t ‘fine’ like he says it is, and that it’s okay for it to not be fine but we need to stay working on it.

Thank you so much.

OP sorry you are having a tough time. It sounds like your three children are still very young. Very stressful times and massive changes to your relationship as you go from just lovers to parents. It sounds like your DH is reluctant to talk about his feelings. Communication here though is essential. You need a really honest talk about how you both feel and how you move forward. Only then can you figure out if your relationship is still strong enough to save. Do you have a childcare bubble with family that could care for the children for a few hours/ overnight? Sending you best wishes xx

OP if he insists that everything is fine you need to say that its definitely not fine for you and while hes checking out of family life because he finds doing his share difficult, how does he think you're finding it doing both his and your share. Your happiness is just as important as his