To say enough is enough and go no contact with my mum ?

[TheOriginalNutty]

Very very long story that I'll try and keep as short as I can.
Parents had an awful relationship and finally started divorce proceedings when I was about 12/13ish. Older brother was 16ish at the time and younger brother around 10.

Older brother had had a very very strained relationship with our mom for years and so he said right from the off he'd be living with our dad.
At the start my thinking was that I got on better with my dad but that the mom always wins in these cases so what will be will be.

My mums behaviour during the divorce proceedings totally changed my view. Anyone who didn't take her side was now an enemy, including the parents of my best friend of years who lived opposite. I was banned from seeing her. Next door neighbors who took my mums side were enlisted to spy on me to make sure I didn't break the rules and duly reported back when I did. There are lots and lots of other instances of things my mom did to try and get her way and get at my dad, including a false assault allegation of which there was proof it hadn't happened.

I then made a decision that I also wanted to live with my dad. My mom flat out said no, it's not happening you'll do as your told. My dad straight away said if it was what I wanted he'd try his hardest to make it happen and a custody battle began.

I was told throughout by anyone and everyone including professionals that no, it wouldn't be happening. Kids, especially girls stayed with the mother.

So, I did the only thing left I could do. I wrote to the children's legal centre and asked for advice. They wrote back telling me about a brand new law that said a child could have legal representation during their parents divorce, and they included a list of solicitors I could approach.
Myself and my older brother visited one who told me that yes he could represent me but other than writing to the judge there wasn't actually much I could do if they ruled I had to live with my mum.

A few weeks later my parents attended a meeting and my solicitor attended to represent me. After the meeting my mums solicitor advised her to drop the custody battle for me at least.
My mum thought at this point that I hated her. I did not. I hated her behaviour and I wanted to live with my dad, that's it.

My younger brother was then asked what he wanted to do. He said he wanted to live with me and his older brother and so the custody case was dropped completely. My mum moved out and my dad bought her out of the house. Younger brother carried on seeing her right from the off and I started seeing her after a couple of months. My older brother didn't see her or have any contact with for another 15 years.

I am now 42. We have got on ok since but not especially close. Over the years if ever the divorce has been bought up between me and my mum it has always resulted in a big row. About 4 years ago she finally admitted that she blamed me for her losing her children and that she would never forgive me. I wanted to walk away then but didn't, I don't know why.
She'd said it again since and still I didn't walk away.

This weekend after another row erupted she said it again. My younger brother has told her several times that he was happy with how things went and doesn't regret anything, I have said the same but she will not listen.
IMO it was her behaviour that lost her her kids not me. She completely disagrees.

She then txt me yesterday saying 'ok well if it wasn't your fault then it was definitely your dads' she will not admit that she was in any way to blame and I am sick of it.

I told her I want no further contact from her and she said that was my choice and she was standing by what she'd said.

My own children are 18,21&23 and I have told them that if they want to continue a relationship with her I have no issue with that at all, and I don't.

I do want to go nc, but why do I feel so bad about it ?

So sorry this is so so long.

I don't why you are still in contact with her to be honest. She treated you appallingly, especially in preventing you from seeing your friend.

You feel bad because you are hoping against hope that your mum will turn into the loving mum you so desperately needed all those years ago. It's not going to happen. None of it was your fault.

You feel bad because she’s your mum and no matter how badly they treat us we always feel somewhat like we should have a relationship.

My mum was awful, abusive, nasty etc throughout most of my childhood and teens. Even when I had my eldest daughter she said some pretty awful things and used to try and convince me there was something wrong with dd1 (just what a 19 year old needs to hear about her baby, dd1 is now 16 and completely fine btw). Even now, she’s much better, but everything is still a contest with her.

But I still see her, I still care and put up with her shit. I often ask myself why. I’ve kind of worked it out that it’s because I actually feel sorry for her, she has severe unaddressed mental health problems that make her act as she does. I imagine being her and I just feel bad that this is her life. So maybe I see her out of pity, which probably isn’t healthy.

If going no contact is what you need OP then do it. Your mum has had every chance to acknowledge and make amends for her behaviour and she hasn’t.

Thank you both

I think you're right, part of me still wants her to be the mother I wanted back then and she will never be that and still insists on blaming me.

She told me once that I couldn't possibly understand what it was like unless one of my kids opted to live with their dad, and then one of them did, albeit temporarily.

I'd always said before hand that if that is what they wanted I'd fully support them and I did. She couldn't understand it. She wanted me to be livid with the arrangement and angry with my daughter.

I just think, I'm 42, I don't want this battle anymore, especially when I did nothing wrong in the first place.

Your mum has been controlling and emotionally abusive to you and I'm so sorry to hear you had to deal with that. You are incredibly kind to continue to have had contact with her. As you have said, you did absolutely nothing wrong. I think you need to do what feels best for you.

Your mother has been using you as her emotional punching bag your whole life. It's time to put an end to this, because she certainly won't.

I am NC with my mother for 2 years now. It’s the best decision I ever made. It is sad as she rarely sees my children as a result. But that just made it clear how much effort I was putting into forcing that relationship too.
I don’t feel guilty or miss her - she’s a nasty woman. I honestly wish that I had done it 20 years ago and saved myself the heartache.
Good luck

She’s not going to change, and will just get even more bitter. I’d keep clear, and keep your kids away too.

People that see in black and white terms like your mother are really difficult to have a relationship with. You seem too nice and reasonable for this kind of shit, and you don't deserve it. You feel bad because that's your programming.

My mother is NC with me and my siblings, she's also cut every one of her own siblings off too, yet maintains that everyone else it at fault and she is perfect. Some people are just awful, and it's OK to walk away from them.

I want my kids to make up their own minds as they are adults. If they were younger I would stop her seeing them too but they have to be allowed to make their own choice.

My eldest has already intimidated that she won't be seeing her either. My middle child is sometime who hates conflict and likes to keep the peace so I think she will stay in touch.

Ds is 18 and I think he will go round if she invited him for food but otherwise not bother.

Thank you all for confirming that I'm doing the right thing. Makes me feel better some how