To remove brother from my life

[LemonanLime]

I'll be as brief as possible.

My brother and his partner have been together on and off for around 12 years or so. Things started to go wrong between them 5 years ago and they have been on and off ever since.

Every time things go wrong between them his partner likes to drag me and other family members into it, and when we tell her we don't want to get involved, she goes from being the poor innocent victim, to vile and abusive. I have blocked more of her phone numbers than I can count because she changes them every 5 minutes ffs, and she's been blocked on all of my social media accounts, as I have absolutely no interest in their drama.

Last June I was 7 months pregnant, and I got a random call from a private numberand it was her again telling me how awful my brother is etc. I tell her I'm 7 months pregnant, and I'm in no fit state to be dealing with their drama as I don't need the stress. As I'm about to hang up, she shouts down the phone to me that she hopes my baby dies.

I told my brother this, and that I've had enough, and that if he goes near her again he can't be a part of my life anymore, he promises that he's done with her and will put me first for a change.

Fast forward to yesterday, I find out that they're back together. I tell my brother that I'm disappointed in him and remind him what she said to me about my baby, his response is "we all say thing we don't mean in the heat of the moment". I've since blocked him so that he can no longer contact me on any platform.

Family members are telling me that I should be there for him, because when things go wrong again he'll need me (he's closer to me than anyone else in our family).

I'm 90% sure I've done the right thing from cutting him out of my life, but I would like outsiders opinions as there's no emotional attachment. AIBU?

Yes YABU it’s a bit dramatic to block him isn’t it?

@Newfor2021

Yes YABU it’s a bit dramatic to block him isn’t it?

Why?

I think sometimes you have to distance yourself from people that you love to protect yourself. It sounds like you've done this. It's a brave step and not everyone will see why you've done it but well done for looking after yourself.

@BunnyRuddington

I think sometimes you have to distance yourself from people that you love to protect yourself. It sounds like you've done this. It's a brave step and not everyone will see why you've done it but well done for looking after yourself.

Thank you!

YANBU

You’ve done the right thing.

If he values his relationship with you then he will take the necessary steps to try to patch things up. Otherwise, you’re better out of this toxic situation meantime.

@ConstantlySeekingHappiness

You’ve done the right thing.

If he values his relationship with you then he will take the necessary steps to try to patch things up. Otherwise, you’re better out of this toxic situation meantime.

That's exactly what I thought! It's not like I've cut him out of my life forever, but he will not be a part of mine or my child's life until he sorts himself out and stops being so toxic.

How about saying to him "whilst you're with (not with-with-not with etc.) her I can't be part of you're life as it is causing me too much stress and upset. But if and when you've come to your senses and leave her for good I'll be there for you.".

Obviously he may come back to you and say "done it, left her for good now" and then still go back to her, but it would be completely acceptable at that stage to anyone (including your family) to draw a line under your relationship with him for good - or at least until he has proved she is a thing of the past for permanently (i.e. some years down the line after she's gone).

Why have you got to be there for him? Too much drama. Block and ignore.

I agree op...how many times can you be there for your db when he it’s an endless cycle that you and your family will be dragged into time and again. I could not be arsed with that kind of drama all the time. You have your own family to concentrate on and if members of your family aren’t happy with you blocking him that’s their problem. There comes a time when tough love is needed and whether it was said in the heat of the moment or not is irrelevant and was a disgusting thing to say, which I presume she has not apologised for.

Yanbu.

Sounds like a fucking face ache.

I can't believe you have been listening to this bullshit for 7 years.

You have your own family now.
You need your energy for your family surely?

Is this the type of drama that is normal for your family and the type of drama you want to raise a family in?

Your brother is involved in a horrible dynamic that any normal person wouldn't want to be anywhere near.

How does your husband feel about this awful behaviour?

It sounds like your family are happy for YOU to be the point person of contact for your brother and his Jeremy Kyle type relationship.

Is this the norm for your family and life?
If not, block.

I blocked my brother last year. We have never got really got on - lot of it due to my mother playing one off against the other. But his new partner was intent on him isolating him from the herd.

I refuse to deal with all the insults and abuse and the dredging up of minor incidents from 25- 30 years ago. I have blocked them both and remain NC. It is such a relief OP. He is an independent grown man. I am not responsible for his choices nor a sounding board for his rage, anger and abuse. I don't have that in any other part of my life.

What his partner said to you was unforgivable. What if you had said it to her - would he have shrugged it off as lightly. It sounds as if you have been there for him and you have told him if they got back together you are done. Why should you be responsible for his choices, you have your own responsibilities - you are a parent now. Time for other members of your family to step and get closer to your brother.

Congratulations on your baby OP

You shouldn't expect your brother to choose between you and his partner. What sort of a choice is that?

My brother has real issues, he's addicted to cannabis which has wrecked his brain but he's mostly ok, doesn't get into any trouble etc. His partner is pretty awful, she's a bit messed up too just in a different way. From time to time she can be really horrible to us and it's hurtful but we mostly ignore her. It's my brothers choice not ours who he is with and not good for my brother to give him that sort of ultimatum.

It's a horrible thing to say and she shouldn't have said it but is it really worth it? My husband's aunty said something similar to his mum once and as a result they were cut out - my father in law has suffered mental health problems his whole life because cutting them out resolved nothing and the damage goes on - it doesn't go away.

@Vinosaurus

How about saying to him "whilst you're with (not with-with-not with etc.) her I can't be part of you're life as it is causing me too much stress and upset. But if and when you've come to your senses and leave her for good I'll be there for you.".

Obviously he may come back to you and say "done it, left her for good now" and then still go back to her, but it would be completely acceptable at that stage to anyone (including your family) to draw a line under your relationship with him for good - or at least until he has proved she is a thing of the past for permanently (i.e. some years down the line after she's gone).

I did say that. I made it clear that I couldn't be a part of his life when she's around. He chose her, and I'm not surprised. He made it clear that he wants me to stick around, but I just can't be anymore.

I wouldn't block him. It sounds as though you're the only person he might ever listen to. But I would make it clear that you and your baby will not ever be in the same room as her or at any event that she attends.

@Rooroobear

I agree op...how many times can you be there for your db when he it’s an endless cycle that you and your family will be dragged into time and again. I could not be arsed with that kind of drama all the time. You have your own family to concentrate on and if members of your family aren’t happy with you blocking him that’s their problem. There comes a time when tough love is needed and whether it was said in the heat of the moment or not is irrelevant and was a disgusting thing to say, which I presume she has not apologised for.

No, she didn't apologise. I actually called the police in her in the hopes of getting something in place to prevent her from contacting me, and she admitted to the Officer that she said it, and that it was a horrible thing to say, but she didn't apologise. Tbh I don't really care about her apologising to me because I know she wouldn't mean it anyway, plus I would prefer not to hear from her at all.

Yanbu.
Why the fuck should you accept being verbally abused by his shit of a partner?

@billy1966

I can't believe you have been listening to this bullshit for 7 years.

You have your own family now.
You need your energy for your family surely?

Is this the type of drama that is normal for your family and the type of drama you want to raise a family in?

Your brother is involved in a horrible dynamic that any normal person wouldn't want to be anywhere near.

How does your husband feel about this awful behaviour?

It sounds like your family are happy for YOU to be the point person of contact for your brother and his Jeremy Kyle type relationship.

Is this the norm for your family and life?
If not, block.

I have 5 siblings and the rest of us are in stable relationships, without this type of drama. My mother however, likes this type of drama. I don't really speak to her, apart from the several times a year when she would ring me, and even then I sometimes ignore her call. I know it sounds awful, I just can't be bothered being dragged into other peoples nonsense anymore.

@Catflapkitkat

I blocked my brother last year. We have never got really got on - lot of it due to my mother playing one off against the other. But his new partner was intent on him isolating him from the herd.

I refuse to deal with all the insults and abuse and the dredging up of minor incidents from 25- 30 years ago. I have blocked them both and remain NC. It is such a relief OP. He is an independent grown man. I am not responsible for his choices nor a sounding board for his rage, anger and abuse. I don't have that in any other part of my life.

What his partner said to you was unforgivable. What if you had said it to her - would he have shrugged it off as lightly. It sounds as if you have been there for him and you have told him if they got back together you are done. Why should you be responsible for his choices, you have your own responsibilities - you are a parent now. Time for other members of your family to step and get closer to your brother.

Congratulations on your baby OP

Well done you!! You should be very proud of yourself .

She claimed that I said vile things about her children when she rang me last June, little did she know I have a call recording app on my phone which recorded my part of the conversation, so I was able to prove that she was lying.

Thank you so much!

I am a big believer in giving people a chance, but if they continue to blow their chances to stop communicating with them. Especially with family. But this might be coloured by my DM's extremely toxic sisters who have treated her and us dreadfully over decades and my mother keeps going abck for round 1156 of abuse because she feels tied to them 'because they are family'.

No. Drop them. They are in their 80s and stuck in a cycle of blame, abuse, negativity and screaming toxic behaviour. Move on.

You have out up with enough. Protect yourself and your own family unit first.

His well-being is not your responsibility. It’s bit lame that other family members will assume that you will pick up the pieces when things go pearshape again - passing the buck.

Maybe in time you will feel able to have limited contact again, but for now, do whats right for you.

YANBU at all - I think those saying you are haven't experienced this kind of pain from those closest to them.. it's a special sort of pain when your sibling treats you this way, particularly if you're close which it sounds like you are.

The doubting yourself is perfectly natural, I remember that horrible churning feeling and the disbelief that I meant so little to someone I had supported endlessly over the years. I hope you're ok

@VettiyaIruken

Yanbu. Why the fuck should you accept being verbally abused by his shit of a partner?

Exactly my thoughts. After years of being abused by her I've just had enough, and as long as I'm in contact with him she will always see me as the punch bag when things go wrong. I've noticed that she doesn't behave this way with a sibling of mine that barely speaks to my brother, so cutting him off seemed to be the only way to ensure that I can stop her from thinking that she can contact me to fix their problems.

I don’t blame you for not wanting to talk to her even if it was to apologise. The damage was obviously done way before the awful comment about your baby. I’d steer clear and do you. Concentrate on you and you children and don’t let it take up any of your time lovely x