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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex-Fiance's Mum died, should I send message of sympathy?

33 replies

speak2me · 14/02/2021 08:22

Sorry it's a long one.

Background: ExF and I were childhood sweethearts, together from 15 for about 4 years and engaged for half of that. We spent a lot of time with each others families including holidays, I was always treated well and felt included and loved by the whole family. ExF and I split (my decision) after he admitted to me that he'd got too close and had some sexual contact with one of his uni housemates. We were together for a few more months but I felt I couldn't trust him anymore. The split was particularly traumatic for both of us, he didn't want to move on and I felt due to it being my decison to split I was taking the blame - our families don't know the reason we split - I was young and embarrassed at the time and just didn't want it to come out, but by hiding the real reason of the split it meant I was seen as the bad guy.
I moved on and was with my now DH within a couple of months, ExF struggled with life for a while but I know he's now settled down with his own family. I haven't seen or spoken to him since a few months after our break up, this was over 15 years ago now. However, his brother (who I went to school with) lives next door to one of my family members and I occasionally chat to him when visiting my family. Our parents would also chat to each other if they ever crossed paths.

ExF's Mum had been ill over a number of years, going in and out of remission and I found out that she passed away last month (his brother told my family member). I'm torn on whether to send a message, I don't have an address for ExF, I could email, or send a card C/O his brother. I don't want to make things worse by dragging up the past when he's probably already feeling awful but I'd like him to know (if appropriate) that I appreciated how his Mum treated me, and that I care for how he must be feeling at the moment.

I just don't know what to do, it's been keeping me awake at night! AIBU (is it appropriate?) to send a message of sympathy or should I keep quiet?

OP posts:

Respectabitch · 14/02/2021 08:25

Under the circumstances you describe I would send something giving your heartfelt sympathies and discussing your warm memories of his mother. I think those messages particularly describing the specific ways you remember their loved one mean a lot to people. You've both long moved on and your families are still in contact. Obviously don't mention any of your old personal baggage, just send your condolences and good wishes.

OneEpisode · 14/02/2021 08:25

Wouldn’t you send a sympathy card to the brother, and include his family in the message?

Dotinthecity · 14/02/2021 08:26

I’d send a message/card. You can word it in a fairly neutral way whilst still acknowledging how sad you are for the loss of their family member. You don’t have to mention the past or anything specific, just mention the warm feelings you had for this person,

Playnoh · 14/02/2021 08:26

I’d send a card, it’s a nice thing to do you used to know them and he’s not in love with you anymore so I cant see how it would be snot though but a nice gesture. I don’t think they will think much more about it rather than ah that’s nice of her, I doubt you told that much power in his life for anything more than that.

Finfintytint · 14/02/2021 08:26

Just send a message.

Zampa · 14/02/2021 08:27

I can sympathise with how you're feeling. I have an ex who I've not spoken to in 10 years but if anything happened to his family, who I loved, I'd want to express my condolences.

As you have more contact with his brother, could you give the card to him "and family" and write something extra for your exF? Obviously, the brother lost his mum too so including him seems the right thing to do.

BrumBoo · 14/02/2021 08:29

Send a card to his brother but addressed to the whole family. Include a message saying how you're thinking of them all as a family at the moment. You're over thinking it, but I understand why.

Monkeypeas · 14/02/2021 08:31

I would send a message of condolence but to the brother not the ExF
You don’t have any relationship with him anymore and I think an email would be a bit odd.

You occasionally chat to the brother and presumably know his address if he lives next door to a relative. So I’d just send a card to him saying something like...

It’s been many years but I have always had fond memories of your mum and she was always so kind and caring towards me.
Please pass on to your brother and your dad that I am truly sorry I am for your loss.
Best wishes
Soeak2me

That way you get the message to them but but Via the person you still know not the ex.

GrallaceandWomit · 14/02/2021 08:35

I would send a card to the brother rather than ExF. If I lost my parents the last thing I would want is to hear from an ex.

IthinkIm · 14/02/2021 08:35

I think if he struggled that much with the break up that I would leave it.

LawnFever · 14/02/2021 08:36

Send a card with your sympathies, mention your fond memories of his mum and offer your condolences.

Having lost my mum I was very touched by people sending cards, even if they were people I’d not been in recent contact with.

The past situation isn’t relevant in this instance, a card will be appreciated.

peak2021 · 14/02/2021 08:38

I'd send a card, perhaps via his brother.

Original poster

speak2me · 14/02/2021 08:40

@Monkeypeas

I would send a message of condolence but to the brother not the ExF You don’t have any relationship with him anymore and I think an email would be a bit odd.

You occasionally chat to the brother and presumably know his address if he lives next door to a relative. So I’d just send a card to him saying something like...

That way you get the message to them but but Via the person you still know not the ex.

Thank you, I didn't realise how much I was worrying about this. I had thought about sending the card to his brother but wasn't sure how to address it, this is perfect. ☺️

OP posts:

shouldistop · 14/02/2021 08:45

Yes, I'd send it. My dad died just over a year ago and I really did appreciate any little message, card or flowers I received. They gave me a little comfort.

Lemons1571 · 14/02/2021 08:52

Definitely a card via the brother.

Marlena1 · 14/02/2021 08:57

I think a card to the brother might look a bit PA. I think I would address to the family/ExF but it really should go to ExF.

Marlena1 · 14/02/2021 08:59

Actually Monkeypeas message references the Ex which is perfect as covers all bases!

Pyewhacket · 14/02/2021 08:59

@IthinkIm

I think if he struggled that much with the break up that I would leave it.

Agree with that.

Lockdownbear · 14/02/2021 09:00

I'd send the card via the brother but address it to 'all the family'. Alternatively you send two cards one to the brother and one for exF.
It's a bit weird to send a card via the brother without acknowledging that he too has lost his DMum.

Aprilx · 14/02/2021 09:02

I think sending a card to exF via the brother is a bit unkind on the brother, it was his mother too and he is the one you have contact with. I would send it to brother and pass on your regards as somebody mentioned.

StevieNicksIsMySpiritAnimal · 14/02/2021 09:08

If it's causing you so much angst then I think it's your gut telling you not to send a message.

Jeremyironseverything · 14/02/2021 09:11

If it was a bit more recent then I'd say yes, but 15 years is a long time. I wouldn't.

LadyLolaRuben · 14/02/2021 09:14

I'd do what previous posters have said and send a card to the brother and his family. That way the message will get back to the ExF without having made direct contact. My dad died 2 years ago and if my ExP had sent me a card, I wouldn't have been happy about it after such a long time of no contact. I had enough to deal with and wouldn't have wanted memories of another terrible time coming back unannounced.

LemonTT · 14/02/2021 09:18

@OneEpisode

Wouldn’t you send a sympathy card to the brother, and include his family in the message?

This

Send the message to the family, a card would seem the best way to do it.

No reason to message your exF. I’m not sure why he is the focus of your condolences if you were close to the whole family.

bloodyhairy · 14/02/2021 10:21

I'd send a card. Just in case a message comes a bit out the blue at what is already a difficult time. A card is a caring but slightly less personal/invasive gesture.

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