AIBU - same Valentine’s gift every year?

[Iwillsleepin2020]

Prepared to be told I’m an ungrateful cow but I need to vent and be told I’m being a cow (if that is the case).

DH is great around the house - does all the cooking and takes our eldest every morning so I can sleep in with the baby. However, I do everything else and all of the mental load. I do the clothes washing, all the cleaning, book the food shops, decorate the house, do the gardening, stamp his envelopes if he needs to write a thank you to someone, think of gift ideas for his family (I’ve stopped actually buying them so often they don’t actually get gifts anymore which embarrasses me). I’m from a family who are considerate with gifts, put a lot of thought into it and I guess I value that. I used to put a lot of effort into DH’s presents but he would then feel embarrassed because he generally either forgets presents, orders them too late or they’re quite naff because he hasn’t put thought into it.

Now every Valentine’s Day and birthday I receive a lovely bunch of flowers. They’re about £30. We don’t have loads of money. I’ve told him so many times that one of my favourite flowers is daffodils. He could buy me a bunch to put in every room of the house for £5 and it would show more thought than this expensive bunch of flowers that he orders by doing a few clicks of a mouse.

I’m feeling a tad hormonal, thoroughly depressed with lockdown and need a rant. I know this is a first world problem. I know lots of people won’t get any valentines gift. But I think it just highlights again that he really doesn’t put thought into anything! Is this normal for men??

So, he's not perfect? But he's pretty good. Perfect would be boring. There's probably things he wishes you would do differently. I think it's one to get past. If there are other things bothering you then think that through because I think the flowers are a red herring.

Also it's a common frustration for really good gift givers, or really thoughtful friends - sometimes you have to dial it back a bit so that you don't feel no one cares just because they are not as considerate as you are.

I feel your pain. My ex, when he actually bothered to buy me anything, would go with the first idea in his head, regardless of whether it was something I wanted or would appreciated.

And yet he would be pissed off if I had put the same level of effort into getting something for him.

OP, you need to have a sit down serious talk. You're doing the entire mental load, it seems, while he's not really putting any effort in at all. A generic bunch of flowers that could have been sent to anyone is nothing for him to be proud of, while those daffodils would show thought, care and appreciation.

I understand, but he might think it’s something you say to save him money? I’d be happy with a card though so I really wouldn’t mind this at all. ;)

Can you say "DH I appreciate the bouquet however I would really enjoy a bouquet of my favorites,daffodils-they're cheaper and I would be happier to receive them?"

I can just about cope with coming up with ideas for DH's birthday presents and the occasional Christmas (we usually just get something for the house together). If I had to do Valentine's and anniversaries as well I'd be screwed.

Some people (not men, I don't think it's sex-specific) are just crap at buying presents. YABU and placing way too much emphasis on flowers.

Thanks everyone. It’s a mix of what I needed to hear. I think the flowers are a symptom of a bigger problem we have and I’ll have a chat about that with him sometime. I feel too emotionally drained to tackle it now so I think I’m festering and focusing on these little things. For the relationship to work I’ll have to accept that all the mental load is on me, but it really gets me down sometimes.

If the mental load is too much you need delegate some to him and let him get on with it.

If he cooks why not add the shopping and meal planning to it?

Don't write off the mental load thing. He has time to learn. Keep trying. Take new things dropping up as an opportunity - there's no reason why he can't do the admin on nursery fees, or school dinners for example.

This is absolutely fixable - if he cares about you he will make the effort. You might just have to be much more blunt than you'd ever think necessary!! And ideally not tomorrow, obviously.

I think it’s men.

DH goes to the same florist and gets me flowers for various occasions. They are ‘ok’ but not very modern. And always the same. Every time I say please don’t bother. Falls on deaf ears.

Honestly, I'd let it go.

Every year DH buys me a bunch of gerberas for Valentines Day. Every year I remind him that I can't stand gerberas. Last year I even made him go and give them to our elderly neighbour instead, just to make a point.

Fully expecting to receive gerberas again tomorrow. However, he's a great husband and father. I'm a SAHM but he gets up every night with the baby, does all of the washing up and cleans the kitchen every evening. I'm not going to leave him over a bunch of tacky flowers.

I handed over shopping/cooking. Laundry - no ironing as we don't really iron. Then most of the DC medical/dentist appointments. DC parent evenings.

Your issue isn’t a bunch of flowers, it’s that you’ve taken on all the mental work of the relationship and allowed him to check out. It really isn’t hard to just listen and apply knowledge to gift buying. It sounds like he just doesn’t think it’s important even though you’ve told him it is to you and so he doesn’t put any thought into it.

Oh see I like gerberas