What should I do?

[herblackwings]

First time poster. Just after some advice and outsider perspective on a family issue.

For some time I have felt excluded from my family and I haven't seen either of my sisters for almost 3 years now.

My dad recently made a comment that we should sort it out and we were being silly. It made me feel quite upset as it seemed like I was to blame somehow even though I have tried to make contact and from my point of view it is my sisters that don't want a relationship with me.

I did try messaging them back in April to see how they were when we had the first lockdown. I had a brief text message back but neither of them have asked me how I'm doing. Since then I've had no contact apart from a default Merry Christmas text from one sister but nothing at all from the other one.

For a bit of background my 2 sisters are both younger than me and there is quite an age gap between us but only a small gap between the two of them. When they were young I used to take them for days out and do things with them but I left home just before their teenage years. Since leaving home I did visit fairly regularly and we seemed to get on fine. One of my sisters has 2 kids who are teenagers/young adults now, but when they were young I used to spend time with them and take them out on day trips, even a holiday, and I always sent cards and presents at Christmas and birthdays.

I suppose the reason I am so sad about it is I now have a young DS (primary school age) and they do not seem at all interested in seeing him. They didn't even send a card for Christmas or his birthday (or the Christmas and birthday the year before either).

We are all very different so we don't have much in common but although my sisters are both complete opposites they do seem to be quite close and when I had a facebook account I would often see them comment on each others posts but they would never comment on mine. I also found out that they had visited each other around Christmas time and also recently. It does make me sad that I'm not included, particularly as I always have to hear about what they are up to from my parents.

Should I say something and try to rebuild a relationship or let it go and accept that we are all too different and they are just not interested?

My siblings and I are in a similar situation, so I can only say from my experience. Keep trying, if not for your sake but for your D.C.

If there’s not been any big fall out over something then there’s always a bridge to build. Perhaps you’ll never be close but it’s worth trying.

Try again. My cousin was in your situation and put quite a bit of effort in to re-connect. Arrange small things to start like meeting in a coffee shop, then a day out etc. It worked and she's now close to her 2 sibs again.

Sometimes we need to share experiences and positive memories to make changes. Worth it for your dc's sake.

Should also add, she sent a lovely letter/card telling them how much they meant to her and she was sorry they didn't spend much time together and wanted to change that. I think the sincerity really came across and that helped too.

Thanks for the responses. A letter is a good idea. It might be worth a try, although I'm not that hopeful as my attempts at connecting previously haven't come to much.

Is there a reason you all aren’t as close anymore? Did something happen or did you all just drift apart?

I am in your situation. I am the youngest of 4 and we all used to be close. There’s quite an age gap between the older 2 and myself and 2 years between the other. I used to do the same as you, done everything with their kids, bought them all sorts, took them to the park once a week etc. But when I had my dc in lockdown, it has shown me that I was such a mug doing all that. I’m not expecting them for 1 minute to come and see her we’re in a pandemic after all but a txt to see how we are ( I’ve txt them and asked them about the kids but most of them have phones of their own so I just txt them directly now but got nothing in return from my adult siblings ) it has REALLY opened my eyes to the point I’m actually so hurt and decided I’m not making the effort anymore I will never get the same back so I’ve washed my hands of the 3 of them. I’m totally done with them and it does make me sad because I was particularly close to 1 of them but even he has shown me that you don’t get what you give. But then of nothing has happened between you and your sisters ( that you are aware of ) then reach out. At least then you’ll know either way if it’s worth it or not x

As far as I know there hasn't been a falling out (there have been some tensions between one of my sisters and DP as she doesn't seem to like him). We have never been very close as we are all so different and there is such an age gap but until a few years ago we would still see each other at Christmas and kids birthdays and as I said when my sisters kids were young I used to look after them and take them out on day trips occasionally.

That all changed when her kids approached their teens, not on my side but from my sisters side. We did still see each other occasionally and she did visit a few times when my DS was very young but for some reason the contact just stopped and she stopped even sending Christmas or birthday cards for him.

I still have no idea why and if it was just ignoring me and my birthdays etc. then it would still be upsetting but I am old enough to get over it. It's the fact that there is no interest in their nephew at all and neither of my sisters have been bothered to see how we are during the lockdowns leaving us feeling quite isolated. Especially, when I know that they have been meeting up over the last year and they have also visited our parents over Christmas whilst we didn't see anyone.

Sorry @herblackwings I haven’t been on much today. After reading your latest post, it does sound like you are in a similar situation to myself. I don’t know what I have done to them either and any time I have asked them ( maybe thinking about it, I’m very upfront and to the point which is maybe a reason they have decided to distance themselves as I wouldn’t just tell them what they wanted to hear ) they have said no we’re fine life is just getting in the way but my life didn’t and still doesn’t get in the way when they needed me for something.

It’s especially hurtful when you put all that effort in with your DN’s and your sisters but your DC hasn’t got the same in return it’s shit quite frankly. I put out an olive branch at Xmas to try one last time and got nothing back so decided that was it from me. I think if I didn’t I wouldn’t feel the way I feel now and would have wondered “ what if “ but now I know, I don’t. I would maybe try and reach out and if they don’t give you anything back then you’ll know either way. I really wish and hope you get a better response than I did but tbh now I know I don’t even think about it now. Also another thing is I’m not on any social media so I don’t see what they are doing with their lives which probably makes it easier on me to walk away. Could you maybe unfollow them on SM so you at least don’t see their posts?

I deleted my social media a few months back so I don't see their comments etc. My parents are the ones who tell me what they are both up to and it was my dad that showed me pictures of them together at my youngest sisters place.

They were recent photos too as they were taken after Christmas. It's not even like they live nearby, they are in separate counties. I actually live closer to the sister who had travelled over.

I would probably just be done with them and not even think about it if it wasn't for my parents and my DS.

I might try a letter as a last chance. At least I can get my parents off my back and they can see that the problem is not from my side.