Or is he a thoughtless arse?

[DazedandConfused27]

I'm going through a horrible time at the moment. Recently lost someone very close to me and my mental health has been shot anyway throughout lockdown (like many other people.)

When my relative passed away my dp was supportive in practical ways. He looked after dc, cooked meals, did lifts that sort of thing. But emotionally I feel totally unsupported by him. It's like he expects me to be back to normal already even though it's only been a matter of weeks. He bickers with me over petty things such as what to watch on tv. Me coming to bed too late because I can't sleep. Just pathetic, non important gripes that I can't be bothered with right now. I post on one of the bereavement boards and people say he just doesn't know how to act which is fair enough. I guess I've accepted that I maybe need to talk to other people such as my mum who maybe understand better what I'm going through.

But today the icing on the cake was that he announced he hasn't got me a card or anything for Valentine's Day but if I want I can have his bank card to go get myself something. Is it me or is that really poor? I managed to get him a card. He just hasn't bothered. In the same vein it's my relatives funeral next week and he's chosen to announce now that he hasn't got a shirt expecting me to dig one out, wash and iron it at the 11th hour.

I can't work out if I'm being over sensitive here due to my situation or if he's just being a total thoughtless dickhead. Either way I'm feeling very irritated and some outside perspective would be appreciated. Thank you.

Bump

Needing help with a shirt for a funeral that isn't in 30 minutes but next week is selfish and immature.

I think for me when I'm very upset I need my partner to just fall in line and help me and not prioritise their own needs. If they have their own stuff going on then it's a conflict to some degree.

Everyone has their own version of what 'being there' means and they rarely match.

That said my exh was so shit at emotional support I couldn't bear it. It was strange. He can be day to day quite supportive without realising but if you say to him 'I am struggling with x please can you help me' it's like he's allergic to it.

Op you are having a tough time but if this man is contributing to your strsss and upset then it's a red flag.

I lost somebody extremely close last year. I honestly don’t know what emotional support my husband could have given me and I don’t think he would have known either. So I don’t think I expected too much, he provided a lot of practical support including in the last few weeks of my relatives life.

Regarding the Valentines card, well a lot of people grow out of that and maybe he just didn’t see the significance, I know I wouldn’t and neither does DH.

I’d ignore the comment on the shirt, let him sort his own shirt out.

@nevernotstruggling yes like your exh my dp is pretty good at day to day stuff. But emotionally he has been useless during this time. I can accept that everyone is different and that he simply might not know what to say or how to act. What I can't accept are petty rows over stupid shit when I'm already feeling so low. And the valentines thing just felt like the icing on the cake because it's such a small gesture that would have meant a lot to me in a tough time but he couldn't even manage that.

I can't say he has contributed to my stress, i would be stressed anyway and possibly more so without his practical support. But he certainly hasn't made me feel very comforted emotionally.

@DazedandConfused27 the valentines thing made me think of the mental load - like he couldn't even unburden you of that.

Mind you I might take his card and order £500 shoes....

Has he always been like this or is it you feeling, understandably, down that has changed the dynamics ?

In the same vein it's my relatives funeral next week and he's chosen to announce now that he hasn't got a shirt expecting me to dig one out, wash and iron it at the 11th hour.

I'm sorry OP, next week isn't the 11th hour! Why has he got no clean shirts though? Where is he expecting you to dig one out from? Does he have a huge pile of dirty shirts? Does he normally do his washing on is your set up that you do or ordinarily?

He sounds emotional lacking, is this new though, or had he always been like this?

@DinosaurDiana I think I am noticing it and more irritated by it due to my current feelings. It has highlighted how he isn't a good emotional support but that's because emotional support has been needed iyswim. In day to day life we rub along fine. In the past he always managed a bloody card though and I'm not usually one to make a big deal about commercial rubbish like Valentine's Day but I just feel like it would have picked me up a little bit and the fact he couldn't even manage to arrange a card has annoyed me.

@firesidetartan no probably not the 11th hour you're right. But he knew the funeral was coming so why hadn't he sorted it? Why does he expect me to arrange him a shirt when I've got enough on my own plate. Just lack of thought again.

[quote DazedandConfused27]@firesidetartan no probably not the 11th hour you're right. But he knew the funeral was coming so why hadn't he sorted it? Why does he expect me to arrange him a shirt when I've got enough on my own plate. Just lack of thought again. [/quote]

I don't disagree, I just wonder if this is all normal or if he has suddenly changed?

Let him wear his pyjamas, do not give his clothes a second thought.

🤚 when a petty argument begins and walk away.
Do not entertain it or him.
Just say "I don't have the energy for this"...end of.

Don't make any rash decisions at the moment.
I'm so sorry for your huge loss.
Just do every bit of self care that you can.

He sounds like a thoughtless arse to me OP.

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

Just reading through your thoughts.

You said that you don't bother with commercial rubbish like valentines... So he most likely doesn't think of it being a "thing" that he didn't get you a card. I'd think the same too, if suddenly you decided to acknowledge a holiday you previously didn't.

Re the shirt, does he actually expect you to pick one out for him? Has he asked you? Or are you assuming because he won't do it/you always sort out his clothes? Just wanted to understand more about what your role is here.

About the petty disagreements, looks like you need your own space to cope how you need to. Have you told him why you're doing certain things like going to bed late coz you can't sleep?

Im just aware people grieve in different ways, so he may not think you can't sleep. He may grieve differently to you and so can't relate etc...

In the same vein it's my relatives funeral next week and he's chosen to announce now that he hasn't got a shirt expecting me to dig one out, wash and iron it at the 11th hour.

It’s next week op
Just suggest to him that he look for it and sort it now

Can I just ask OP, has he ever lost anyone himself? The reason I ask is that when my ex DH lost his Mum, I had no real concept of how long his grief should last and how deeply it would affect him, as they didn't always get on, so I was shocked when suddenly she became an absolute saint in his eyes, and I admit that with hindsight, I probably wasn't nearly as supportive as I should have been. A year later I lost my own Dad, and suddenly I understood.

I'm sorry for your loss OP, but if he's never lost anyone before, he just may not understand how you're feeling, in which case, as in all things relationship, I would recommend talking to him, telling him exactly how you're feeling, and then see if it makes a difference.

My mum died recently, she was only 47, not that it makes any difference, I found that the person supporting the other going through the grief (especially if they knew the person well) is also effected by the death and struggle to know how to support the person , especially emotionally as they don't know what you want , you have to both communicate, he is bickering and arguing with you because supporting someone who Is grieving is hard, he doesn't know what to do to help you and from my experience anything that's said or done doesn't take that pain away.
With me we had a massive argument but I realised I was pushing him away by not communicating, so through me rambling on just speak to him, communication is key.

You're not being over sensitive. Getting a valentine's card for someone you love and care about, who is going through a tough time, is not too much to expect. You can get them from the shop, the petrol station, anywhere if he forgot to order. It's a very odd time to decide to stop doing cards when you've always done them before.

And the shirt thing is ridiculous, he's a grown man and should sort his own shirt out.

He sounds like a baby who's annoyed you're not focusing on him and he's not top of your list at the moment

Sorry for your loss

People aren't perfect and don't always do the things you want them to. I was so upset by my husband's reaction to my parent dying ,really angry. Could've walked out. I think it took him back to his mum dying and him not dealing with that at the time. But a relationship isn't just about a snap shot it is about what it is like day to day and if that is OK for you. We' d all like to think we'd get it right in a crises but we don't always. The shirt thing is rubbish but I assume that's normal for you and him . Is that usually ok? Feel for you OP