Should I write off this debt?

[Dilraj68]

My ex husband never paid maintenance for our 4 children (3 of them now adults 18,21,22) and the youngest is 11. There was minimal contact. He also said why should he pay maintenance if he can't see the kids. He's the kind of guy who's extremely unambitious, work shy, lives off his mum and has no real work ethic. He does not want to work if he can get by on benefits. Fast forward 11 years and the CSA have asked him to pay me £500. That is a paltry sum for 11 years.

He is refusing to pay and has roped in our eldest daughter who's now taking sides and is urging me to write off this debt by calling them up.

I'm so angry and hurt that despite seeing my suffering and the hardship I faced while bringing them alone with no financial support she could suggest this. She's clearly taking his side, without realising that he's using her against me. Her argument is that he has no money and is a carer for his mum. He was even told that if he didn't pay during the absent period, the debt will pile up. That money belongs to the kids, it's their right. Her argument is that she and her siblings don't need the money! But I do, l have debts to pay and he should pay for his youngest at least.

After everything I've done for my kids, she turns around and says I'm being spiteful. I'm so hurt to the core. Up until a week ago they weren't even speaking to one another cos of a dispute. Two months of no contact between them they finally made up last week and now she's taking sides. She's highly educated and knows the difference between right and wrong but isn't seeing the bigger picture here.

Am I being unreasonable in pursuing this debt?

None of her business I personally wouldn't discuss it with her, but be pleased for her that she is having a relationship with her Dad again if that's what she wants.

I can understand £500 is alot when you don't or can't work due to being a carer. I don't know whether instalments can be suggested in this case?

@Worstyear2020

I can understand £500 is alot when you don't or can't work due to being a carer. I don't know whether instalments can be suggested in this case?

Am I reading it right? £500 is not a lot for 11 years, of course he should pay up

He sounds awful. How sad that your daughter is being duped by him. Can you talk to her about how hard it was for you? Yes I would pursue it, out of principal.

I agree, don't discuss with your DC anything financial in regards to their Dad. Tell your DC this money is owed for all the school uniforms, trips and gadgets she enjoyed over the years.
Don't write it off, if you do, he really "got away with murder".

Same situation here with my ex. Been told to pay me so quit his job and messaged me telling me I won't get anything from him. Went 6 months with nothing and then CMS called and asked if I wanted to pursue it. I told them 'yes'. For me it's the principle of it. They threatened him with court and all of a sudden he can afford £40 per month.

Hi OP, it's a difficult situation you are in, but stick to your guns and your DD will realise that her "D"F is at fault.

No, you do not write it off. You make the feckless loser pay it. You have debts, have raised the children alone. The amount is absolutely paltry compared to what you have spent on raising the children. Who the hell does he think he is? It's none of your daughter's business either. She clearly has no idea of how much you have spent and sacrificed. What an absolute tosser.

Has he got £500 ?

@Worstyear2020

I can understand £500 is alot when you don't or can't work due to being a carer. I don't know whether instalments can be suggested in this case?

Are you kidding. You do realise that over 11 years that's less than £46 per year (£3.79 per month). Are you really excusing this waste of space of a "father".

OP, please please pursue the debt.

Although the money is ‘for’ her it’s actually none of her business. You should not write it off and if possible, stop discussing it with her.

Please do not write this off. He will no doubt be getting benefits and carers allowance. He can pay. Think of all the sacrifices you've made over the years. Your daughter is being manipulated, just don't discuss this with her anymore after making clear once that while she may not need the money, you do. Food, school uniforms, Bills, none of this stuff she doesnt realise they need because it magically appears is free. He's being unfair dragging her into this so disengage with her on the subject.

Take your daughter out of the equation, she should not be involved in this. She is not mature enough to understand the situation fully, but eventually she will realise the sacrifice and hardship you went through raising her as a single mother without any support. You have to trust in that and take your emotion out of this, at least as far as your daughter is concerned.

Personally, when you've struggled this far on your own and they are only awarding you £500 I don't think I would bother putting my energy into fighting for it. He's sounds like an absolute loser, he's not going to suddenly change.

Put your energies into getting that debt paid off and keeping your relationship strong with your kids. They will see him for what he is.

You've done amazingly to raise four kids singlehandedly without any financial support. Don't let him drag you down and cause drama in your life and a rift with your daughter now, he and the £500 aren't worth it

If it's going to cause you stress, bring back up all the old hurt and pain l would leave it. He is a total loser not paying for his children all those years and still not paying for his 11 year old. But 500 is an insult to you and if he pays it he may somehow convince himself and your DC that he is a great guy who has done right by everyone. He will believe he has done his duty. I would leave him off and hold your head high for all you have done . You dd will mature and realise soon.