Considering third baby at 40 -- AIBU to be so worried?

[pastawithsauce]

I feel like I've already answered my own question but here goes! Sorry for TMI.

I have two wonderful kids (4 and 6). When my youngest was born, I was SURE I would have another. But we had a hard couple of years after she was born -- financial struggles, trouble at work, my mother who was diagnosed with a terminal illness and passed away. DD1 also had a very worrying speech delay and I spent a lot of time taking her to speech therapy and working on her speech.

Many of the difficult things have changed. I got a much better job, my daughter is now caught up in speech (and now actually ahead of peers academically reads very well, e.g.), and the pain of my mother passing away so quickly has eased. The one factor that always stopped us was finances we were totally fine, but had little leftover and it was always a worry. Our joke was that if we ever won the lottery, we would have another kid!

Well we kind of have won the lottery in the role of a very unexpected inheritance from a distant relative. (I know it sounds like a movie.) It is a life-altering sum of money and would allow us financially to buy a bigger house, fund college for our kids, hire a bit of help, save for retirement, etc.

So it seems like a no-brainer to go for it. But these threads have really made me realize how risky a kid at my age (40 would be 41 when kid was born assuming no fertility issues.) As one parent with a severely autistic third child wrote why risk it?

That said, I know other mothers my age who now have little babies and I'm so jealous of them, and that feels right but my fears over having a kid with severe special needs is what is now keeping me back. I could have handled it for my first or second kid but third, I would massively struggle and feel really guilty for my first two kids.

I think this fear is compounded by the fact that DD1 had been so behind and I was on the SEN threads here a lot (which were lifesaving) and I saw how much other families struggled with much more severe limitations. It gave me a glimpse as to the what-ifs . . .

DH is inclined to stick with 2 now but would be absolutely up for 3 if it's what I wanted.

Anyway, it's pure head/heart -- head says "don't risk it" heart says "go on, it's what you want." Right now my head is winning and it makes me so sad. Any thoughts on if I'm being unreasonable?

Only you can answer it a lot comes down to how risk adverse you are. My first child was born with a serious disability undetected on scans then I became ill and was told by several drs not to risk another pregnancy so didn’t but women with my condition do so it’s a very personal thing. Pregnancy if you are fit and healthy, not overweight and had easy pregnancies you’ll probably be fine in pregnancy even over 40. You don’t know if child 3 would have problems. But you are obviously in a good place financially and could afford help if you are incapacitated in pregnancy or had a child with additional needs. You could pay for nanny for example to help with older 2 or private therapy for the child. Best wishes with your decision.

I am very risk averse about this sort of thing but (oddly) didn't really factor this in to my decision to have a 3rd at the same age. DC1 was the one I was most anxious about something being wrong with him. DC3, born just before I turned 42, is (as far as we can tell at 15 months) entirely healthy with no problems at all. I realise that doesn't change the statistics though, we just got very lucky to have 3 healthy pregnancies and babies after 35.

It's likelihood Vs impact. Very low likelihood, very high impact.

Ultimately it wouldn't be fair on the child of you'd feel miserable, and regretting having them struggling to cope however low the risk us, so in that basis, I'd say be grateful for what you have already.

A baby turns into a child. Do you want a newborn or another child?
The risk and impact on your DC of a sibling with SEN/disability can't be underestimated. It can be like a bomb going off in their lives. And you'll be responsible for that.

Thanks all -- that's exactly it. Very low risk, very high impact. I do want another child (I mean, newborns are nice, but it's the older years and adult kids I look forward to having around at Christmas - obv. you never know.) But yes, maybe OK with where I am now.

Also annoyed because this is not the kind of thing my parents would have thought about at all in advance. I feel their lack of information was really freeing and they had four kids!

It sounds to me like you are suffering from anxiety as an (entirely understandable) response to the traumas of the last few years? Does that feel right at all?

What age have your friends typically had babies? Virtually everyone I know had a first child late thirties, with a second or third at 40 or over. I know of no serious disabilities among them. Of course the risks are increased, but is your perception of risk down to media reporting? For me, seeing the very many successful pregnancies and happy babies born to friends over 40 was, I think, an important factor in convincing me that the chances that my third child (conceived at 41) was unlikely to have a serious disability. Or at least not much more likely than the one born when I was 36.

I wouldn't risk it but then I've had the worst happen and I was 28.
Sounds like the money would be perfect to set you all up for the future rather than another baby.
Of course nobody can change the way you feel, so ultimately its your families decision and whatever you do will be right for you.

I should also say, my first child was at 25, very poorly baby (had a TFMR) at 28 and then have just had a baby at 30.
This last pregnancy with the worry about another poorly baby was hard. No reason for it to have happened, just "one of those things".

@Oneweekleft are you going to back up your claims with some genuine research?

It wouldnt stop me personally. My third child was born with severe asd when I was 35. It can happen at any time, we didnt know back then but their is a hereditary condition that caused it not age.

I dont think ASD was on my radar when I had kids. I cope really advocating for them but its bllody hard work with education.

So I wasnt adverse to the risk. But if you are, maybe it's a good reason not to? I'm not sure. My son enriches my life. I would never change having him.

I think 41 is very different to 45.

I had my second at 41. Zero problems. But then a lot of my friends were having babies around the same age so it was normal.

That said, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't shitting it slightly during pregnancy! That's natural, being neurotic about all the things that could go wrong.

I think a lot depends on how you conceptualise risk.

At 40 the "relative" risk of a number of complications is higher than if you were 20. However the "absolute" risk is still very low.

So for example the risk of post partum haemorrhage with a physiological 3rd stage increases by 50% compared to an "actively managed" 3rd stage. The actual numbers are 40/1000 compared to 27/1000. So although a 50% increase sounds like a lot the absolute risk is still very low. The risk of it resulting in major complications is even lower.

If it's something you're concerned about then you should do some research into the actual figures so you can make an informed decision.

Why is it you want a third? What are you not getting by having two? We stopped at 2 very glad we did. I was one of 3. It always felt rather excessive somehow especially with the world as it is.

I probably wouldn’t but that’s a personal choice of course. I’m 37 now and pregnant with DC2 and I wouldn’t want to be much older as I worry about the risks.

to all, especially those special needs parents! I didn't mean to say at all that I thought it would be "bad" to have a SEN kid -- just that I'm not sure if I could manage it as a third IYSWIM.

And yes, not sure what I'm lacking only having 2 -- I think coming from a family of 4 it just seems too neat. And they are growing up so fast . . .! I like having a rowdy household, I suppose!

Hmm, hadn't thought about trauma from the bad years. Perhaps worth talking to a therapist about . . .! Really thought that suddenly having a bit of money would clear everything up and make me ridiculously happy all the time but unsurprisingly it hasn't.

Had my second at 40, almost 41. Hard to get pregnant, 3 mc on the way, but easy pregnancy. Had C section but all was well, baby born with cord round neck and when I had gone on my side at the late check his heartbeat momentarily slowed. Friend had first at 40 and second at 44. Only thing I had that was probably age related was gritty placenta, baby had got a bit smaller in the last two weeks but piled on the weight quickly once born. I’d advise not going to 42 weeks - too far over in my opinion. I had very low risk for Downs and all the scans were reassuring so I can’t say I worried through the pregnancy.

Just wondering what you decided? :) I’m in the same position now, so torn between what my head and heart say!