To have another baby

[SquirrelFriends]

Posting for traffic.

I could really use some outside opinion from anyone that may have been there, done that, bought the t-shirt... you get what I mean.

I have a wonderful DS who is 1 and I couldn't be without him now but throughout our first year together I had awful PND. It almost destroyed my marriage despite DH being very supportive and I vowed I would never put us all through that again. It was truly truly awful but after a lot of hard work and therapy, we got through it as a family and we're now happy.

We have recently discussed having a second child - possibly trying early next year. My heart tells me I would love to have another and also have a sibling for DS but my head is screaming at me that I won't be able to manage and my biggest fear is that PND will rear its ugly head again and destroy our family.

I'm torn. I feel selfish for even thinking of taking the risk but also that I will always regret it if we don't. DH also feels quite similar, he would like another but doesn't want to upset the applecart so to speak.

Has anyone experienced similar and can offer any advice please? If I could guarantee no PND I would try for another in a heartbeat but it terrifies me.

Apologies if this topic comes across as insensitive to anyone but AIBU to have another baby?

Yes I have PND the first time around, i would say it was moderate. It damaged my relationship but ultimately we got through it, I would say it lasted about 6 months at its worst.

I have then gone on to have a 2nd and it was a difference experience. I actually had a very difficult time when baby came due to some unrelated family issues so although I still struggled it wasn’t because of PND.

There’s no saying because you had it once it will definitely happen again. On the positive side you know you will have to be really aware of it; of managing your stress levels, of letting others help and support you, of the triggers and when to speak up etc.
You could also have support from the maternity mental health services too.

I didn’t let it put me off having a 2nd and I’m glad, my pregnancy and the new born stage was actually lovely and no real PND.

My issues started when he just wouldn’t bloody sleep! But we’re coming out of that luckily!

Could you have a bigger age gap? I had horrific (suicidal) PND with Dd and if I had a baby and a 2 yo I think I would have lost my mind. You still need to recover, a few months isn’t enough in my opinion.

She’s 4 now and I could quite happily have another baby and know I’d cope with whatever was thrown at me.

You'll be prepared this time, have support structures in place already.

How do you feel day to day at the moment, it might be worth waiting until DS is a little older and less dependant on you.

You're not being unreasonable. I had PND after our first and it really affected the relationship between my husband and I. It took counselling and a lot of discussion between us to overcome it.
When we had our second, I was very aware of the possibility of it recurring and spoke with the midwife about it at each appointment. My husband also was mindful of my feelings throughout and frequently asked how I was feeling etc as I found it so hard to speak about the first time. Luckily, the second time, it didn't recur. I have no doubt that was helped by a quick birth, lack of feeding problems this time around and being in lockdown, so no pressures to be out and about or to have people round, so very different circumstances to the first time.
Id happily have a third, being mindful of the differences and knowing what support to put in place this time.
Could you have a look at the things that were particularly difficult and put plans in place to overcome should it recur? E.g. a friend of mine also had PND the first time, but tiredness makes it worse, so her DH, who WFH a lot does half of the night feeds.

@2020iscancelled

Yes I have PND the first time around, i would say it was moderate. It damaged my relationship but ultimately we got through it, I would say it lasted about 6 months at its worst.

I have then gone on to have a 2nd and it was a difference experience. I actually had a very difficult time when baby came due to some unrelated family issues so although I still struggled it wasn’t because of PND.

There’s no saying because you had it once it will definitely happen again. On the positive side you know you will have to be really aware of it; of managing your stress levels, of letting others help and support you, of the triggers and when to speak up etc.
You could also have support from the maternity mental health services too.

I didn’t let it put me off having a 2nd and I’m glad, my pregnancy and the new born stage was actually lovely and no real PND.

My issues started when he just wouldn’t bloody sleep! But we’re coming out of that luckily!

I'm sorry you struggled too. PND is awful isn't it.

I do think that 2nd time around myself and DH would be hyper vigilant about my mental health and I'd know the warning signs/triggers etc. Plus I'd have additional therapy before and after the birth.

Im glad you had a better experience 2nd time around, despite sleep troubles

I would aim for a spring baby if possible.

Had my first in winter and felt terribly low, second in spring and the long sunny days and hearing the birds during the early morning waking really helped

@Ostryga & @MyLittleOrangutan the age gap is also something that we've been considering. Half of me feels like I'd rather bite the bullet and go for it now whilst we're still in the baby phase of life but I can definitely see the advantage of waiting until our DS is a little older. I'm mid 30s so that's also something we're baring in mind.

@Eileen101

You're not being unreasonable. I had PND after our first and it really affected the relationship between my husband and I. It took counselling and a lot of discussion between us to overcome it. When we had our second, I was very aware of the possibility of it recurring and spoke with the midwife about it at each appointment. My husband also was mindful of my feelings throughout and frequently asked how I was feeling etc as I found it so hard to speak about the first time. Luckily, the second time, it didn't recur. I have no doubt that was helped by a quick birth, lack of feeding problems this time around and being in lockdown, so no pressures to be out and about or to have people round, so very different circumstances to the first time. Id happily have a third, being mindful of the differences and knowing what support to put in place this time. Could you have a look at the things that were particularly difficult and put plans in place to overcome should it recur? E.g. a friend of mine also had PND the first time, but tiredness makes it worse, so her DH, who WFH a lot does half of the night feeds.

Its great to hear that you had a much better experience 2nd time around. Thank you for your input, it's definitely reassuring. I think my biggest struggle last time was not being able to ask for or accept help, despite being completely overwhelmed and struggling. I equated being too tired, not enjoying things and struggling to being a terrible mother and therefore I often felt like I should just leave. I now see that I needed support so I would ensure that I had it 2nd time around.

I had my first at 35, had awful pnd afterwards and didn’t really enjoy a lot of the first year. I had my second last year in the first lockdown. My other ds had just turned 4. I’ve had such a different experience this time round. No pnd, the age gap has been wonderful and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. So you can definitely have a better experience the next time. You are so much more prepared, it’s not so much of a shock. Personally I would have a bigger age gap and if you’re not sure at the moment that’s a sign to wait a bit longer x

I should add that it’s been bloody hard having a baby in the midst of a pandemic and I live away from family so haven’t seen anyone. But despite all of that I’ve coped really well, so much better than the first time.

I've had pnd twice. Second time was the worst, I felt like I was having an outer body experience. If I was to have another (and I wouldn't as I'm traumatised) I would go straight onto anti depressants and not even try to breast feed. It would be the only way.

Do you know what your PND trigger was? For me it was based around SIDS. I didn’t sleep for more than half an hour at a time, and if I fell asleep I would wake up in an utter panic thinking something had happened to dd. I was also bf and point blank refused to give a bottle of either formula or expressed.

Looking back now I can see how utterly deranged I was from lack of sleep and panic, but at the time I thought it’s how all new mothers felt. Definitely not!

If you can work out what were your trigger points you will be able to manage it better with meds or therapy. And there are ads you can take while breastfeeding if you do want to try. I think now you’ve been through it you’ll be much more aware. But again, PND isn’t something you can control, even with meticulous planning.

I'm on sertraline as a result of post natal depression and anxiety. My child is now 2 and absolutely no way in hell would I have another child purely because of the absolute carnage it wrought upon me. Sleepless nights, constant nappy changing, the nerves shredding anxiety of looking after a baby at home alone, the constant cleaning up when weaning. There is no aspect of babyhood that could ever convince me to have another one, specially as like you, I literally broke down and lost my mind. Think extremely carefully.

I can't speak for you in your situation. I was depressed after dc2, had counselling which was great, did not suffer the same way after dc2 at all. I did notice I was asked far more questions about my mental well-being second time around so they must have had something in my notes. Could you discuss it in advance with your GP?

Coming from the other angle, I’ve concluded it’s better for my child to have a physically & mentally healthy mum than a sibling.

But there are other additional factors at play in my case such as my age, severe sickness in pregnancy etc and the fact both DH and I have siblings we are not at all close to

I had pnd with my first & it really dragged on so I can relate. I’m still taking antidepressants now & my daughter is 2. I would really agree with what other posters have said about considering a slightly bigger age gap. A lot of my friends have a 3 or 4 year gap & seem to manage well. I’m pretty certain we’re sticking with one but I have found the toddler stage very challenging. Between age 1 & 2 things were much easier. So I can only speak for myself but I can’t imagine adding a baby in to the mix now my daughter is a toddler. I think it would be extremely hard.

It sounds as if you are both erring towards having another baby in which I hope it all goes well. To give you my tuppence worth, I’d wait for a bigger age gap: once your oldest is past 3 and potty trained it will be so much easier. Why put extra stress on yourself? And if you’re taking anti depressants, speak to your gp early about staying on them during pregnancy and afterwards. Even if this means not breastfeeding please think of yourself. Too many women put themselves last when it comes to mental health. Happy healthy mum, happy healthy kids is what I say.