To reconcile myself to being lonely- in a 'good' way- for the rest of my life

[Lonelyinthecity]

I have NCed for this because I am a regular and I do not want to be outed. I don't often post in AIBU; please try to be gentle as I am feeling very fragile.

I realise a lot of people are lonely right now. My circumstances are a bit unusual though. I have been intensely lonely for years now. I will try not to drip feed.

I am 49, two DC 16 and 21, husband of many years. For various reasons I won't go into, but were unavoidable at the time, I have moved around a LOT, within the UK but also with stints overseas. I also work from home PT not by choice, but because one DC had a chronic illness for years and I needed to support her. Have tried to change this but have not found the right opportunity, as I work in a very niche sector.

As a result, I have very few friends. I am pretty outgoing and not shy at all. But I haven't been able to retain friends. Several have moved away, or I have. Some are busy with younger children than mine, or all consuming jobs. My closest friend actually has cancer and is busy trying to stay alive. I keep trying- I never give up and have joined all manner of clubs and groups- but it is obviously really hard right now and possibly for years to come. I am an extrovert by nature, and I need some people, not many, but some. My work is also quite non-people facing but at 49, I feel a career change is not practical.

DH is a very quiet and introverted man and has got worse in lockdown. He has a high stress job that drains him, and in his spare time he just Netflixes. We married young and I often feel we have nothing in common any more. In fact, we may separate after lockdown. Not an angry separation, just a " it's better for us to go our own ways" kind of parting. I do not think I want to live with him when he retires. I have no wish to live with anyone else either. I feel like I have made enough compromises for men and I do not want to do it again.

DS and DD are very busy with their own lives and the increased stress of uni and A levels during lockdown. DD is the one with the chronic disease-now much improved- and she has a lot on her plate. I can't really ask them to help. They might very well move overseas as well.

I have no family except my mother in this country. I am one of only two and my sister moved to Florida years ago. I am very fond of my mom- love her to bits- but she is 76 and realistically have begun to think of life without her.

AIBU to reconcile myself to being lonely and leading a solitary life? There are worse things, and I am tired of trying and being knocked back. I am financially secure and healthy ( moving around helped me save a lot). At some point I might get a pet, once COVID is over. I am thinking of solo travelling, or joining one of those tours.

Am also thinking of moving in with my mum post COVID and being around for her. We get along very well; she is chatty and understands my need for chat.

I hope this post made sense, and apologies for it being so long. I am not very articulate right now. Feeling a bit sad about how my life has turned out. I know there are many single people out there who have it worse, but feeling completely adrift right now.

I think it’s reasonable to think that things may improve. Given a possible separation, children leaving home.
You will be freer, you have lots of life to lead at 49, think of yourself.
I’m 58 work almost full time, live alone with cat , long time divorced, would love to be attached tho, never met suitable other tho ( despite lots of trying).
Have hormonal depression, well treated tho, tho seem to have lost a lot of energy with it, annoyingly.

Thanks for the reply. Have you found it easy to make friends in your 50s? I worry that I will just be forgotten about, iykwm.

Your thread rutile doesn’t tally with the content of your OP

It doesn’t sound “good” to me at all.
It sounds depressing and lonely

Title

I think lots of people think that other people have loads of friends and do lots of activities with them. I have no doubt some do, but ultimately everyone in there 30s and 40s are busy with careers, children, and sometime family care needs and lots of people feel lonely.
However, you won't always feel like this. As your children get older you may have more time to do your own thing. My mother was very much in the same predicament about 15 years ago. We had moved for her to marry my step dad (a very odd but lively introvert). Her work was quite solitary and she didn't have any friends. As we got older she just pushed herself and ending up meeting so many people and doing so many things. She got a degree at 50, met some lovely friends there, did a computer course and started to get friendly with some neighbours. If you are unhappy, things can change for you xx

It seems a bit premature to imagine you will be lonely forever. I think I would focus on planning for separation after COVID if that’s what seems right. Perhaps then looking at some more time to try new things which may bring along new friends, acquaintances and interests. You say you are quite outgoing and not shy which is a big bonus.

Change is a slow process. I think it would be better to establish a new independent life rather than go straight to living with your mother. Of course you will support her (76 is not very old if she’s in reasonable health) but it might be a mistake to become her companion full time. It would be harder to leave her a few years later if you wanted to.

It may be reassuring to feel comfortable with being lonely but it doesn’t sound like your default setting. At least consider other options.

Have you found it easy to make friends in your 50s? I worry that I will just be forgotten about, iykwm.

I hope not! I would hate to think there is a cut off for making new friends.

@Chewingle

Your thread rutile doesn’t tally with the content of your OP

It doesn’t sound “good” to me at all.
It sounds depressing and lonely

That's why I say "good" in quotes. on the basis that I may not have much choice. And should maybe count my blessings at a time when a lot of people have worse to worry about than loneliness, frankly. I really wish I had more siblings in this country but my mom had to go stop at two! I am also peri-menopausal. No doubt that has a lot to do with a lot of things.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable but it’s not at all necessary to reconcile yourself to loneliness in this way. I’m a similar age and though very social have no social life due to circumstance (disabled dependent). I do have a happy marriage and do have that to float my life on. I’m very sure that this stage is NOT forever and that I will have friends and socially happy times in the future. You choose the way that suits you.

I think it comes down to how you experience the seeking of friends, the "putting yourself out there", joining groups, volunteering etc. and it possibly leading to nothing. Some people still enjoy the activities and interactions and it's worth doing but others find it makes them feel worse. I think it depends on this to be honest

@francescaisstressed Good to know. My own mother is an amazing model. She was widowed when she was 63, immediately joined tons of things, made new friends 30 years younger, travels solo etc etc.

I definitely will have a lot more time in 2 years when DS goes to uni but I just wonder how I will fill the hours if DH and I separate. Rely on him for company most times. Sometimes I think we should just live seperately, meet up to see a movie and then go back to our respective houses.

Moving around a lot does mean that you are less likely to have friends around. It isn't easy to make friends but it is entirely possible to do so.

Just looking out for friends never seems to work for me. Being interesting in things, maybe an interest or volunteering, anything really where you come into contact with people to whom you can be a friend.

Good luck.

In the gentlest way possible - yes YABU to reconcile yourself to anything so sad when you're only 49! I can see how you've got where you are and why, but things can easily change - particularly once this pandemic is over and possibly too if you separate from your quiet, introverted DH with whom you have nothing in common any more. I think a lot of people feel really quite down and hopeless right now. You don't say where you are, but if you're in the UK we're in the middle of a particularly grim winter when even the most connected people are feeling lonely and isolated.

As to whether you can change things in future - I think that depends on you. If your DD doesn't need you as much now and is growing up and soon to fly the nest, could you get a different job - one that perhaps allows greater social opportunities? As your DC are now almost adults could you (post-pandemic) join some things you might enjoy? I'm a similar age to you and I go to a sociable exercise class in normal times, I run with a local women's running group that has social runs every week, I started a book group that meets once a month (currently via Zoom), could you get a dog? The dog owners I know seem to know and chat to everyone! Where do you live - village, town, city? What do you enjoy? What sort of social activities exist locally that could open the door to a more interesting and socially engaged life in future? You don't need to answer any of those questions here, but I suggest you answer them for yourself and even if you stay with your DH why not branch out a bit and do some things for yourself? Married you may be, but just because he doesn't want to do things it doesn't mean you can't.

OP you sound like a lovely woman.

I don’t think you have to reconcile yourself with being lonely no.

I actually think you have the potential to have a wonderful “second half”.

It might take a while to get there because of the pandemic and everything going on now but I really think that you could design a life you love.
Why couldn’t you really?

You work in a niche sector but could that job be done somewhere else? Could you work abroad? Could you be a digital nomad?.....

The “constraints” you talk about don’t actually sound that constraining long term.

I honestly don’t know why you’ve written yourself off to a quiet life of solitude when you could say “ok 2 years (or however long you need for DC) and I’m done - I’m traveling / I’m going back to education part time / I’m retraining etc etc”

I know someone who just retired and went back to uni full time to study history - because they wanted to.

Really sounds like you are mismatched with your husband.
All I can say is you only get one life, and you’re half way through it already.
What do you actually want.
Make a list.

Thanks everyone for the very kind messages. I was expecting, given this is AIBU, to be told to get a grip!

In the gentlest way possible - yes YABU to reconcile yourself to anything so sad when you're only 49! I think a lot of people feel really quite down and hopeless right now. You don't say where you are, but if you're in the UK we're in the middle of a particularly grim winter when even the most connected people are feeling lonely and isolated

I am in the UK, in a mid sized town. Have definitely being feeling very hopeless. And old. Women in my family tend to live quite long lives so logically, I should not be feeling this way.

I'm a similar age to you and I go to a sociable exercise class in normal times, I run with a local women's running group that has social runs every week, I started a book group that meets once a month (currently via Zoom).

I am actually a member of both a walking club and a book club. What I find though is that I enjoy it ( and will continue), I am not developing any deep friendships. We talk about the books and other small talk, but nobody even knows much about me, or my DD or my DS. There doesn't' seem to be the opportunity for deeper friendships. Maybe post COVID I will suggest a one on one coffee with some of them.

Yes, def mismatched a bit with my husband, but I just wanted to make it clear that he never stops me from going out on my own or doing whatever I want to do. He is not possessive and does not insist on me being at home like the good wife. We are just bickering a lot because of lockdown and him being home all the time, and it is making me reconsider my life.

You have all made me feel a bit better. The sun is out now and I am going to go for a walk with a book.

Oh god sorry I meant to bold your responses and answer below. It now reads like one big block of text. Sorry.

I know this post is a couple of months old now but it resonates a lot with how I feel. I'm currently waiting for some therapy and this is my starting point. I'm struggling to separate what is hormonal from how I am actually feeling.

I have been a sahm for many years (in between working) and have young dc unlike you op. I am a bit younger than you but only by a couple of years and I'm definitely getting an 'is this it?' feeling. In my case, not only am I definitely perimenopausal but believe I have some traits of BPD having experienced a traumatic childhood and everything seems to be bound up together.

I have one good friend. I want to have more friends but struggle to work out how I will develop more deeper friendships if I only meet people for a once a week activity. I am thinking of starting a small business but it will be based predominantly from home - I'm thinking of taking my laptop and using shared office space to try and balance this. Like you I have very little extended family - dysfunctional and estranged - I am where some older people find themselves - without family members and I think this has a huge impact on my mental health whereby I have sort of reconciled that I will spend much time by myself in the future. Husband is a lot older than me...our relationship is not good...we sort of just trundle on. I don't know how to make changes that will bring more fulfilment - first port of call is to follow my interests and join groups and a bit of volunteering too in the hope that I will meet more likeminded people. I would also like to return to education at a later date. Much longer term, I think it would be a good option for me to move to a retirement village - but this is many years down the line (and all being well).

No real advice op but just to say, you are not alone in your thinking. Have you become any clearer about what it is you want to do?