I don’t know what to do about depressed friend

[Karmachameleons]

I used to live in the flat next door to her, I suppose we became friends - she invited me over for coffee when I first moved in, and I then invited her back. We did quite a few coffees. She had a cat that I would feed for her when she went away.
I was just being friendly really, she was very pleasent and I’m always happy to pass the time of day with people and help them out if they ask.

I moved to a different flat around a year ago and during lockdown she contacted me asking if I wanted to meet for a walk (when we were allowed). I said sure.

On our second walk, she opens up about self harming and tells me she has been doing this. It was quite a shock to hear but I listened and was kind. I suggested some support services. A week later she texts me saying she is in crisis, can I take her to A&E, so of course I do. I went to pick her up a day later and took her home, she told me her ex had died by suicide and she had been having suicidal thoughts. She’s really depressed but felt dismissed by the doctors at the hospital who she felt hadn’t taken her seriously.

There have since been other scenarious where she’s cried out to me for help, I’ve gone over or phoned, and we’ve ended up having some really ‘big’ conversations. I’ve found myself in this friendship where it’s clear I am her only supportive person. She has no family in the country, and no other friends.

I don’t want to be a horrible “fair weather friend”, but at the same time, this is really exhausting for me and more than I ever really bargained for, I was just trying to be neighbourly, but at some point a boundary was crossed unawares to me at the time. I now feel like I’m getting into a situation where the more I speak to her, the more she relies on me, and I’m bound to let her down eventually. She talks about how everybody in her life has let her down and turned their back on her and how traumatic this has been. I can see how that could happen because she’s so intense, and I feel a bit trapped because I don’t want to add to that pain by backing away.

I know I sound really selfish, but I feel like a one-woman helpline! I’ve been awake since 5 because she’s on my mind.

Help?

Has she seen her gp? If not, encourage her to and to consider going on medication. If she can afford it she could also pay for talking therapy - online or even over email.

This is very hard but you need to reinstate some boundaries to protect your own mental health. She might find that difficult but can you explain to her that you are also having problems and need some space?

Thanks @Newkitty I have been telling her to see the GP and sending her links to counselling but she keeps saying there’s no point.

I will keep saying it though.

I’ve been in this situation with a family member of mine. We wasn’t even that close at the time but I reached out to her when she was at crisis point and I kind of picked up the burden.

I had to step away when her crisisis turned in to mine. When all I could think about was helping her and it started to effect my mental health and family life.

Your in a really tough situation but my advice is to only do what you can reasonably do. Your not responsible for this adult. You are not responsible if this adult takes their own life. Your not responsible for sorting out their affairs. Be a friend and point her in the right direction but make clear boundaries for yourself

I really empathise.

Mental ill health is a very self-centred thing as you just can't think about anyone else and it absolutely drains those around you. So she may not even realise she is doing this.
One of my best friend's HM has depression and other mental illness and we've fallen out over the years (but come back together) as I ended up so exhausted I was brutally honest and couldn't handle it or her.
My only tip would be to be honest. Don't make the same mistake as I did by just coping until you snap.

Tell her how much you care. But also tell her how the worry about her is making you forget to worry about other stuff in your life and giving that the time that your own life needs. Stretch the truth if needs be.
She needs help but you can't be her sole source. Clearly it has driven many other people away and maybe it is worth trying to work out a way of saying that you aren't being driven away but that you are drained and need a bit of space.
It's so hard, as she won't be thinking straight and she will make it all about her - that's how it works, when it isn't it is purely that you need mental head space too.

I ended up telling my friend how depressed I felt. It eased off as then she realised she couldn't possibly lean on me as much as she had been doing. You need to do whatever it takes.

OP if you’ve already been telling her then stop repeating yourself. The run up to my wedding was ruined because I was so distressed about my family member. I remember thinking that no one else gave a shit and that basically I was stopping this person from killing them selves.

I had to step back after a talk with my dh. My family member still has depression but is quite ok.

She needs professional help and that's not you. You can keep suggesting like you say then it's down to her. I don't think you sound selfish you sound like a lovely caring person who is self aware and realise you can't heal this woman on your own, so don't try to the detriment of your own health. She needs to help her self and that means reaching out to the services available.

You need to sit down with her and tell her kindly that you’re not a mental health professional and her problems are having an impact on your own well-being. Although you’re happy to go on the odd walk or have the odd coffee you can’t offer the level of support she needs. She needs proper medical care and should see her GP as a matter of urgency.

Ultimately you’re not responsible for her and you should not feel under any obligation.

Thanks, I needed to hear that it’s okay to gently have a few boundaries here, because I really do need them!

I think I need to find a way to create a mental boundary for myself as well, so that I can be helpful when she calls, but not let it overshadow the rest of my day.

Well done for supporting her in the past.

However, you are not responsible for her well-being. Any decesions she makes (or doesn’t make) are hers alone.

Maybe you need to distance yourself abit. If she rings, don’t be at her beck and call. If she calls again, tell her to ring her gp, or 111/999 in an emergency. If she says she won’t be able to get a doctors appointment, maybe book one for her.

It sounds like she has a history of this pattern of behaviour. Ie. Befriending someone, getting intense, and then them having to withdraw. It also sounds like she doesn’t actually want help, as you’ve suggested various paths to her. It’s up to her to mend herself, not you.

Don’t feel guilty at withdrawing your help. You’ve tried, it’s up to her now.

This sounds awful but when people say "everyone has turned their back on me" there is usually a reason why.

This is such a difficult one because serious mental illness in reality often isn't pleasant to be around, the resources available are very limited and stretched and some people don't react well to medication. So I do have huge sympathy for her. Especially as you seemingly have to get to crisis point in the UK before anyone helps and even then ... .

However, no one is responsible for anyone else's mh other than their own. You could turn your entire life inside out to help and it may not be enough. Also, by doing this, you are not helping her get help for herself from mh professionals.

If you can face it, I would continue to be entirely honest with her. Tell her what you said in her last paragraph. Tell her that you don't want to be a fairweather friend and we all reach points in our lives when we may occasionally need help, but equally you no longer feel comfortable being the only person she relies on in a crisis as you feel your friendship (a give and take thing) has changed to dependence without you noticing and that what she needs from you is beyond the scope of friendship.

It's her choice entirely whether she engages with mh services in her area or not, but equally it's your choice how you react to that

Sometimes being there and compassionate is very helpful and give the support someone needs to pick themselves up when they are down and at least start the process by being assessed by a professional, signing up to therapy, seeing the GP, trying medication or whatever is advised. Mental health doesn't fix itself though. And you answering her cry for help whenever she is in crisis is also not productive on the long term.

Instead of having big heavy therapist like conversation now I would focus on a gentle talk with her about what she is planning to do to help herself in the future. You can say that you being there for her is not sustainable and it is obviously not a solution since she still gets to a point where she needs A&E or self harm, suicidal thoughts... etc
She needs to see her GP who will refer her to a mental health team locally. Waiting lists are long but it is worth it if she cannot go private.

Also, i would ask her to give contact detail of someone closer even a family member abroad. What if something happens after she calls you in crisis? What would you do? Who do you inform?
You can say this is scary for you and makes you uncomfortable. And you would like for someone else (next of kin) to be aware of the situation too. Agree on a reasonable plan of action if the crisis situation happens again.

Finally, if she calls for help i would start redirecting these calls the the crisis helpline who will be more than qualified to look after her. They arrange ambulances, stay with you on the phone and you are kept on file.
I think you can find your local number on the nhs website. You can call 999 on her behalf too and give her details.

www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/nhs-services/mental-health-services/where-to-get-urgent-help-for-mental-health/

Just thought, could you refer her to Mind op?

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/

Incidentally, Mind are desperately in need of funds ATM with so much demand currently, so if anyone reading this feels like donating , the details are on the website.

“ If you can face it, I would continue to be entirely honest with her. Tell her what you said in her last paragraph. Tell her that you don't want to be a fairweather friend and we all reach points in our lives when we may occasionally need help, but equally you no longer feel comfortable being the only person she relies on in a crisis as you feel your friendship (a give and take thing) has changed to dependence without you noticing and that what she needs from you is beyond the scope of friendship.”

Good advice

Tell her it is NOT pointless to see the GP. Millions of people have been treated for mental illness by seeing their GP as a first step. Tell her it's a simple choice. If she doesn't see the GP she is unlikely to recover, may end up back at A&E and you don't feel able to offer further support. You are not her doctor or therapist, she needs to see a professional.

There is no helping someone who refuses to help themselves. I had to walk away from a very dear friend who I loved very much. She had been moaning about her life and her marriage for over 10 years but wouldn't listen to anyone and wouldn't seek help.

When she eventually did go to the GP (under duress) she was diagnosed with depression and prescribed ADs which she refused to take. The cycle went on and on until her friends eventually gave up.

I think of her often and hope she is well. But I doubt she has changed one iota.

Has she ever been diagnosed with depression or something else?

I had a friend I met through a hobby, she became increasingly needful and it became pressured.

What she actually wanted was for me to always be there and available. As I started to pull away her situations and stories became more extreme. I had not even known her that long. She overshared everything almost immediately.

I was like you listened, suggested the Doctor but she refused to go. I am not a therapist and had to pull away. The hobby group was coming to an end anyway. All that was pushed on me in a short 12 weeks. She was obviously unwell with something but on reflection and having discussed it with a friend who is a psychotherapist the woman was suffering with something but I’m not sure what. She probably didn’t know herself either.

It's an analogy which has become a cliche; if there's an emergency on board a plane, you can't help anybody in trouble until you've put your own oxygen mask on. If you put up some gentle boundaries, while steering her towards professional help, or even a wider circle of friends, you will have the strength and compassion to continue supporting her. Don't blame her for this; she is currently too mired in her own distress to perceive it. But you can't survive in the role of one-woman health service.

It's a harsh and ironic fact about depression that it can make sufferers feel everything is pointless, even seeking help. It can be very hard to overcome those feelings in order to even make an appointment, but ultimately that is what is needed. Logic and science tell us that the doctor is likely to offer the best help they can.

The NHS is really struggling to meet demand. They are suggesting calling the Samaritans, some people call more than once a day every day for weeks and months on end and they don't mind.

If a support service was being withdrawn that discharge might be managed over a 6 week period so maybe bare in mind not weaning off too suddenly.

Doing something creative would be beneficial, are you able to research local online sessions?

She could dial in to a free daily Frazzled Cafe meet up to talk about her feelings with others. It might take the pressure off of you a bit if someone else were hearing her.

Unfortunately you can’t be “helpful”. She needs to contact professionals so she can help herself.
Honestly? I would just tell her to contact her GP and then get back to you. Disengage. Sounds awful but you can’t fix this for her.

The constant cries for help and the "everyone has abandoned me" sound more like borderline personality disorder. Also, if she knew to go to A and E when feeling suicidal, this isn't her first rodeo.
Either way, it sounds like she needs help far beyond what you could reasonably be expected to give. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. As hard as it is, she could be the nicest person in the world but she still needs professional help and you can't fix her.

I have a really similar situation and can't be of help because I can't solve my own.

It's mania episodes with my friend and refusal to adhere to treatment. I am the only friend standing and really conscious of it. She is currently unwell to the point were I have to alert services. I don't think I can face a next time, but there is nobody.

Ditto exactly what @SunnySideUp said and I was coming to add what @SunnySideUp2020

Keep referring to the agencies/ professionals as you are not responsible.

Sorry that went garbled.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

I recommend anyone who is depressed to work through this sheet as much as possible.

Remember you don't have to be the person she reaches out to, helplines, agencies, professionals etc. You are not setting yourself on 🔥