He thinks he's doing his part by buying food for them

[workshyex]

So me and ex has been separated for a few years, he’s moved on and living with his girlfriend.

I go through periods where I think we get on, and he’s someone I can reach out to if I needed anything, and then we argue. In general we love our kids and try to work out what’s best for them. We help each other with money or other things etc.

Anyway today we had an argument which reminded me exactly why he’s an ex and I’m just glad I don’t live with him anymore.

We were talking about providing for the kids. He has never given me money for the kids, but apparently the kids eat like “kings” at his house, and pre COVID he spent £100 on them taking them out.

He does take them out, but it’s not as much as he says he does. He’s exaggerating. Most of the time they’re just sat at his house playing PS4 or they’ll go to the park, and yes they’re days he takes them out for the day.

But all I do is buy Asda clothes for them, he spends more money on them then I do apparently.

He thinks taking them out on days out, and providing food for them in the 3 days a week they’re at his house is providing for them? They have no clothes as his clothes, I buy all the clothes and everything they need.

All he does is provide food for them while they’re there for 3 days a week?

He doesn’t work and has always been workshy btw. Tbh I don’t need him, I do well in my business and will make sure my kids have everything.

But is providing food while they’re at his house, and taking them out on days out equivalent to him paying maintenance? Honestly if he was buying clothes and shoes for them on a regular basis like I do, I wouldn’t mind.

No. Of course not. Kids need a bit more than food and days out. They need toys, books, hobby supplies, club or activity memberships, clothes, sports equipment. He is deluded if he thinks he adequately provides for them. They are visiting him and he is treating them as guests not providing for them in proportion to the time you both have them. I think you knew this already though

He should pay for EVERYTHING they need on days they are with him. Clothes, food, travel, any clubs or hobbies they do. YANBU.

"eat like kings". What does that mean? Is he shovelling roasted swan and foie gras down their throats? Or doeas he genuinely think he deserves a medal for feeding them normal food not just gruel. Idiot.

Also, I will happily raise a bet with you now that its his girlfriend doing some (or all) of the food shopping and preparation of these royal standard meals.

Does he have them 50/50? If not, why are you not receiving money for them?

Why dont you just put a claim in and he can explain to CMS that he doesn't need to contribute towards their upbringing because he feeds them while he has them.

He's aware that you do more than just feed them right? Like it's not even the bare minimum you have to do for a child legally.

My ExH has a similar idea. He doesn’t really do anything for our son. He doesn’t take him anywhere, he doesn’t really spend time doing things with him. At his house he just plonks ds on the Xbox and then goes on and on about what a fab dad he is when he gets him a McDonald’s for tea.

DP and I buy all DS’s clothes, school uniform, shoes, sports equipment, pay for all trips, take him on holiday etc. ExH can afford to do these things but spends most of his money on his girlfriend.

I’ve suggested we take DS more (currently I have him 4/7 days) but then I’m being an evil harpy, trying to rip his son from him! ExH also initiates strange protocols - I’m not allowed to contact exh by phone for example, only ever email. Any contact was only a quick DS related text, but that is now BANNED. Even in an emergency I’m supposed to email and not call .

ExH isn’t interested in parents evenings, sports days or school plays but doesn’t ever want DP to go. I can go but must go alone! He also says we spoil DS and will refuse to buy certain toys that he claims are for me to buy only e.g DS loves superheroes but ExH won’t buy anything superhero related because that’s the kind of thing I would buy. It’s just weird.

I used to show ExH receipts and ask for half the cost of ds clothes etc, but he’s always telling me he’s skint. I’m not pissed off about the money necessarily, I can afford to look after DS and I don’t begrudge him anything! We love him to bits. I think it’s just frustrating that ExH treats DS as less of a priority than he should.

He has never given me money for the kids

Cm is notoriously easy to avoid BUT have you even started a case with cms? Ahh he's unemployed so you'd get I think max £7 per week per child? I'm not entirely sure of the rates these days.

He is of course taking the piss! Unfortunately there's very little you can do about it. Except STOP giving him money - ever! It's his responsibility to cover his costs

I would bet good money that if you sat and worked it all out you've given him more money than he has you?

What he spends on the kids when they're with him is WHAT HE IS SUPPOSED TO DO, it's called PARENTING

Perhaps at some point it may be an idea to send him this:

fathers.com/featured-resource-center-page/dont-be-a-disney-dad-guest-blog/

It's actually a really good article

I'd be tempted in your shoes to send him

m.youtube.com/watch/B0B_ekSrsEk

Although it may be inflammatory!

Another option might be to send an "invoice" of half the money you spend on them for clothes and shoes, uniform, transport, school equipment, haircuts, books, tech, hobbies...

Totally stuns me the denial these deadbeats put themselves in as to what it ACTUALLY TAKES to raise a child!