just cant get over it....

[Winternight46]

Been awake since 4, lying next to my "dp". We have a newborn together. I'm guessing this should be one of the happiest moments in my life but it's far from it.

A while ago I had an abortion with the same person. He was horrible to me during my first pregnancy. He neglected me and went off for nights on end getting wasted whilst leaving me to cry myself to sleep scared of what was to be. He made it clear he wanted nothing to do with me whilst I was pregnant, nor the baby.

Now roll on to the present and here we are our with our first dc. He has been a completely different person with this pregnancy, supportive, helpful and a great dad. But I dont think I forgive him.... I cant get over the person he used to be and what he put me through. None of his family know, from what they see he is loving and I'm lucky to be with him. He is sober now, and he is better. Still got a long way to go but definitely better.

So why cant I let go of the past. Should I even? It's hard enough dealing with my feelings of guilt for having my abortion and then getting pregnant again so soon. If I had known things weren't going to be all so doom and gloom before I would have pursued with the pregnancy, I wish more than anything that I could go back and change things. Am I reflecting my feelings of the situation onto my dp? I really just want to be happy now.

You're not being unreasonable. My ex partner was exactly the same when I fell pregnant with our daughter, except I decided not to abort and he eventually came round to the idea (when I was about 20 weeks, the first few months were hell🙄). When she was born he apologised profusely for the way he acted for the first few months of my pregnancy and I forgave him but I've never forgot any of it. Its okay for you still to be angry especially when it sounds like everyone thinks he is Mr perfect (which is exactly what my exs family thought so when it finally came out last august that he had been cheating on me for 4 years with multiple women somehow his family blamed me???😂 deluded)

Anyways, you've got two choices. Either you stay with him and talk to him about it, maybe get some couples counselling to move forward. Or you end the relationship and go your separate ways but still co-parent your child.

Obviously after I found out about the cheating me and the ex went our separate ways but we still get along for the sake of our daughter :)

Hope things get sorted for you! It's a rubbish situation he put you in and you're completely reasonable for still being upset x

I cant get over the person he used to be and what he put me through.

I'm going to be honest here........And yet you chose to get pregnant again by him? You were in control of that - you chose to have a termination and you chose to get pregnant again (or you could have used contraception?)
You need to put the past behind you - you can't forever constantly punish someone for their past mistakes/behaviour or you shouldn't be with them but you should have done that before having a baby? If his behaviour now is better and he is seems to have learnt from his mistakes then judge him on how he is now as a partner and a father not how he used to be?

I agree with ivfbeenbusy - the time to discuss, accept apology or leave was before you chose to get pregnant again and have a child.

Hi Winter these are definitely real feelings for a real reason, but I am just posting to say that when both my babies were little I was very anxious. I don't think I had postnatal depression but I was a bit of an emotional state.

So without wanting to make light of/ belittle your very real experience and pain at what happened, I just want to say that these valid feelings may be being amplified (made bigger) by being a new mum.

I think you need to forgive yourself as well. The choices you made at the time were based on what you knew at the time.

If he’s now a supportive, helpful, great dad as you say, perhaps it’s time to focus on that.

As others have said, the best time to really address the abortion and his behaviour has passed. Did you talk about it at the time or afterwards? Has he said he’s really sorry and explained how he was feeling? If not, talk to him about how you’re feeling - but I do think the real value is in focusing on your newborn and how good your DP is now being. You’re running the risk of tainting all the positives you have now.

Enjoy your newborn and let the past stay in the past. Your hormones and feelings will be running high, but will settle down in time.

You took the decision before because it was right for you at the time.

I would not let it overshadow such precious time with your newborn baby. You will feel guilt about that many years down the line too. So let the guilt go. You did the best you could with the tools and information you had at the time. Nothing is lost. You have a beautiful baby now. Focus on that now, and enjoying motherhood.

If you are still struggling then perhaps some counselling would help? Your happiness and that of your child depend on processing and letting go of this op.

@KellyJonesLeatherTrousers we've never spoken about the abortion no. Only in arguments when I was upset by it. I guess as he put it he never felt the need to as for him to wasnt a sad decision or clearly anything impactful. It made me feel very alone and one sided going through the abortion. So in a way I dont feel like I ever dealt with my grief.

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay I did not chose to get pregnant again with him, it was unplanned and ironically I found out as I was getting my stuff together to leave him. Looking back on it I know I should have left way before I did (it was hard as I was living with him at the time and didnt really have anywhere to go). I've made so many stupid decisions that I'm now dealing from the consequences off.

@snowydaysandholidays I agree I definitely need some counselling. I've even considered couples counselling though I dont know how dp would take to that, were both so young and it's not like there is a marriage here to save. Although I guess if he really wants us to stay together with our daughter then he may see the need for it

In order to move forward you need open communication. A relationship will never work if you neither of you can't talk about the bad stuff. You will just start resenting him and eventually it'll kill the relationship.

Everyone deals with these situations differently and that's how he dealt with it at the time, whether that's the right or wrong way to! He clearly wasn't ready for a baby back then but looks like he is now. Things could have worse if you had kept the baby. Please start communicating and enjoy your baby. They really don't stay babies for long!

Do you want to stay with him? And is he going to be a really decent and loving father?

If you were planning to leave and found out you were pregnant then what was the reason for leaving? A baby is not a reason to stay if you are not being treated well. Or you are unhappy op.
Particularly if you are young and unsure. I feel there is more to this.
Talk to someone you trust or a counsellor for help and support op. You sound vulnerable with a new baby and I hope you have help in RL be young your partner. 💐💐

• Beyond your partner

@snowydaysandholidays your right to say theres alot more to this I havent put in my post. I wanted to keep the post short and to the point, but there is plenty more that could be said. At the time of leaving I was at a mental state where I couldnt continue with everything that had happened. Dp and I weren't in a good place, constant arguments and threatening to break up. Most of our arguments centralised around the abortion and how isolated I felt given the fact we hadn't even talked about it. But just in myself I didnt know after everything my do had put me through if i even liked him anymore. And now I wont really know since everything that has happened has meant I never had the time to find out. I find it quite easy to go with the motions of this relationship, but I'm always worried I'm setting myself up for a dead end

I think you will resent it and him forever. I couldn’t get past it, maybe you can.

Get some counselling, for yourself and then together if you can.

Are you on decent contraception now?

Could anyone suggest some good counselling websites? Preferably ones that do video calls. I really do want to get myself together for my dc

I had a termination several years ago. Although I fully agreed to it, the primary reason was that my partner was not ready for us to have a 2nd child. We went on to have our second child a few years later. There are still some times when I think about that lost child and what might have been. But then I look at the son we now have who wouldn’t have existed if I’d continued with that pregnancy and I know it was for the best. If I’d pushed ahead with that pregnancy it would probably have ended our relationship. Instead, by waiting, we’re both on the same page and, as I say, the result is my beautiful boy, who was totally worth waiting for.

I can’t signpost you to any specific counselling pages, but ultimately you need to decide whether what happened in the past is too big an issue to work through. And I’m afraid, only you can answer that.

Offer to make him lunch to take to work on a day he’s going running, pack it with laxatives and hopefully he’ll shit his shorts while running.