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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset at my dh

8 replies

veryfluffyduvet · 09/02/2021 23:52

Sorry this is long. Im tired and I'm angry.

My dh has lost two jobs in the last ten years. He blames everything except himself and the last job I told him he should get out as the company ran into (very public) trouble. It was all over the press and I said ffs get a new job because it's going to end badly.
He was so arrogant about it all and told me he's no need to worry as he'll get his redundancy payment. He'd only been there a few years so I can't imagine we'd have been rolling in it even if he did but as it happens the company folded and he got nothing but big fat unemployment.

He then got a contract job on less money. We had moved areas to a new town and dc had been at new school for a term before he lost his job. They were struggling to settle and we weren't in a position to just move back to our old town easily. When we moved dh said I would be able to give up work and live 'the life'.

Luckily I'm not an idiot and managed to get my company to allow me to wfh instead of giving up my job (prior to covid) I hate my job but it has to be done and right now I'm just happy to have it.
He keeps telling me now that this company are definitely going to give him a permanent job at some point.
Tonight I've said to him that no matter what they say it doesn't mean anything unless they actually give him a permanent contract. He said he is too important for them to let go. But yet they don't offer him a permanent contract. He's just sat with me arrogantly saying that he's so important they couldn't possibly let him go I've no need to worry.
I'm so angry. I've been through two of his redundancies and now he's sat there sighing when I'm so worried he's going to lose this job we need his wages too. He just kept sighing and acting like he's rolling his eyes when I'm saying I'm so worried about everything, I'm literally crying about it it's worrying me so much. Is this ok? Am I just a nagging wife like the way he's treating me?
I've said he needs to just get a new job now and forget this one they've had long enough to fulfil their constant 'oh sure you'll get a job soon' because it's only a couple of months left on this contract and I feel like he's being dragged along.

We are renting when we were supposed to buy when we first moved, our deposit is now worth a lot less than it would have been if we had bought when we first moved and I'm so done with his attitude, renting is also a lot more expensive than a mortgage, I feel like he should be sorting things out and reassuring me, instead I get told he's too important at his company to be let go that in just being ridiculous he's sighing and puffing away at me rolling his eyes. He said this in all of his jobs and it doesn't work out, I feel like he's insinuating that what I'm saying is not true. I don't want it to be but to me it makes sense why would a company drag hiring him out this way if they supposedly keep saying they'll give him a job. They said this last year and then at Christmas they said they'd have a contract by January.
Oh wait it's now February and no news. Imo it's time to apply for a new job. I'm so mad. Sorry I'm ranting.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/02/2021 00:03

He said he is too important for them to let go.

What an absurd thing to say. I'm embarrassed for him.

I can understand why you're so frustrated and stressed.

Nearlythere1 · 10/02/2021 00:09

I know people like that, think they are indispensable to their companies until they are. You're not being unreasonable. I have no advice, sorry, but I know how you are feeling and I'd be stressed too. The smugness just makes it worse.

Nearlythere1 · 10/02/2021 00:11

Think they are indispensable until they aren't* i meant sorry. And the sad thing is they were dispensable all along!

veryfluffyduvet · 10/02/2021 00:13

Thanks. I think he's being so arrogant. He's stomped off to the spare room now. I'm so annoyed. I'm annoyed now as he's run off effectively resolving nothing at all.

We had a meeting with the bank the other day about getting a mortgage, he hasn't even told the bank he's on a contract and I'm sure that will effect us getting a mortgage and yet he's saying it's all going to be fine.

I'm so stressed about it all. I can't stop worrying about what will happen if he loses his job again. I know I need to try to calm down but the way he's thinking doesn't seem right to me and I think it's what's worrying me the most. He's been rolling his eyes at me when I'm saying is he not in the least bit concerned. He's also told me tonight that he told the company the job he's doing is far too big for one person. I'm thinking wtf surely you get a contract and then you say these things after it's signed. I have no idea if what he's saying is even true though.

OP posts:
DillyDilly · 10/02/2021 00:18

Why don’t you find yourself a better paid job?

Nearlythere1 · 10/02/2021 00:23

Stop stressing so much, you will manage somehow even if he loses the job. But he needs a reality check. Tell him you cant cope with the lack of stability and its not fair on you or kids. He can doss about on imaginary contracts all he wants if he's single but not in a family. Tell him to ask the company for a permanent contract and if they wont give it, he needs to start looking for something new while working.

veryfluffyduvet · 10/02/2021 00:45

Yes perhaps I am stressing too much, the stress it created last time he lost his job I think that's the biggest problem, if this had never happened before I'd probably be ok but now I know what happens it makes me so worried.

@DillyDilly I absolutely will get a new job if I have to but the job I have is very flexible and we have no childcare. I would have to get a new job and we live quite far away from school so all drop off /pick ups are done by me around my job. Right now I am homeschooling (primary aged dc) around my job as well. If dh loses his job I will have to change this situation but for now I don't think it's the best idea as I've been at my job a few years and it's the only bit of stability I have right now. I also don't know if we'll be in this area if dh loses his job again and if the fantasy of a mortgage does ever occur the bank said I have to be in a job for 6 months for it to go towards it so I am trying to stick this one out for now.

OP posts:
EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 10/02/2021 01:07

Frustrating and stressful - and anyone that genuinely thinks they're indispensable is deluded.
That said, the concept of a job for life is no longer with us; the gig economy very much is. Is he working alongside colleagues on permanent contracts? In my experience contractors often get paid more to compensate for the insecurity of the employment status. You don't say what field your husband is working in, but two redundancies in ten years isn't that exceptional, or necessarily his fault - it's not as if he's been dismissed for poor performance or unacceptable behaviour.
His 'head in the sand' attitude must be irritating - but could be to cover his insecurities and concerns? TBH, in his position I probably wouldn't feel I could have an open conversation with you on the subject based on your post.

If you're planning to buy rather than rent, the idea of you being able to give up work and "live the life" is surely a pipe dream ATM?

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