Should I tell her he was abusive

[Givemedonuts]

NC - posting here for replies. Don’t want to drip feed so here goes.

20 years ago I met a man who I went on to marry and have children with. We split 3 years ago . I filed for divorce and it was finalised 2 years ago. I had just left school when we met and he was 11 years older.

Over a 7 year period approx he was violent on a number of occasions. He also lost his licence for drink driving on another occasion . He was what you would call a functioning alcoholic . In the entire 16 years we were together he had one occasion where the longest he went without drinking was 6 months and before that the longest was 3 weeks. Talking 6-8 cans of 5% lager a night in front of the tv. He on many occasions once he’s been drinking he would use cocaine as well.

He assaulted me some years ago and I went to the police. He admitted it was charged and went on an IDAP course. He assaulted me another time which led to him being arrested again he admitted it and was cautioned for assault. We then split. Other times the assaults were not reported.

After I filed for divorce he began to harass threaten me and make threats to kill and damage property. I went to the police and one days worth of messages from him when printed ran to 54 a4 sheets of paper. He admitted it and despite this the cps wouldn’t charge so he was again given a caution. As a result it meant I couldn’t get a restraining order so I went to women’s aid and they got me the legal aid a solicitor and a 1 year non mol . He breached it twice - I reported it. He admitted it was taken back to court and given a discharge!

Despite all this I have never stopped him seeing his children. I have been more than accommodating. He has never had them overnight as he moved back with family after the split and then he moved into one room in a shared house . The only time he spent with them alone / overnight was on a holiday abroad he took them on (I had no legal grounds to object or stop him ) he got drunk 5/7 nights and treated my kids terribly. When he returned and I had them back with me safely I questioned him about it . He then proceeded to hold back their passports, threaten and abuse me via phone , stop my maintenance for a week or two and block me on wattsapp . This again was quickly unblocked within a few weeks! The maintenance was then paid and has never been an issue him paying. The time spent seeing the kids at the weekend got less and less. Every excuse given. Then covid hit. He was furloughed and by this point I was working full time doing shift work. I had some childcare issues due to covid so asked him as he was off work to look after the children at my house while I was at work. He wouldn’t have to spend any time with me and I wouldn’t be here. He could then drive home whixh is 30 mins drive away ! He flatly refused . Said why should he do me any favours and if I lost my job and as a result me and my kids home they would have to go into care. With that he hung up the phone and We didn’t see him for months. He did occasionally FaceTime them though.

In May last year in lockdown he met a woman online dating. She has a teenager and she lives two hours drive from my children. He is now living with her. He told me in a text at Christmas when I questioned how little he was seeing them that he was moving in with her. He didn’t tell the children until a couple of days ago . When he first told me he was with someone he made it clear she had been in his words ‘fully briefed about me ‘ in other words I dread to think what crap he’s told her. She’s not met my kids and surely she must wonder why a dad of four who has his kids as his wattsapp photo isn’t ringing FaceTiming or seeing his kids. He’s played his cards very close to his chest over giving away any details about her. The kids haven’t even seen a photo . However two snippets he let slip have led me to find her. It’s definitely her. We don’t have anyone in common so I can’t get anyone to have a word with her or anything like that.

I have proof of everything. All the messages from him court reports the non mol copy of our divorce petition laying out some of the abuse and photos of it.

Should I send it all to her. Should I simply send a message which says please make use of Claire’s law and protect yourself and your child. She has a sister I have found online. Should I approach the sister and tell her to keep an eye and make sure she’s ok.

On top of this hearing he’s living with her has opened up some truly traumatic feelings in me. I have been feeling tearful and on edge. I keep having flashbacks to some of the abuse . I have had counselling in the past but there’s still a lot of trauma there

If you got this far then Thankyou

He has already painted you as the bad guy, which they frequently do. She won't listen to anything you say because he will have explained his version of events ahead of time.

Depending on the age of the teen I may be inclined to inform SS in the area, they will look into his history and may possibly/hopefully inform her about it.

If you really do want to say anything then just send her a link to clares law and leave it at that, anything else will 'confirm' what he said about you.

Glad you managed to get away from him

I have no experience of this but perhaps an anonymous email suggesting a Clare's Law request? Might be less outing and safer for you.

Thankyou. He mentioned her child has learning difficulties so maybe SS in the area would be a good place. However I don’t have any safeguarding concerns regarding the teenage child so not sure if they would be interested

I would contact her sister, not her, but I'd also be very worried about the repercussions.

I would be very concerned about possible retaliation from him. You already know what he's capable of, and I wouldn't doubt he's capable of much more.

Not quite sure why you were so accommodating of him having a relationship with your dc...
Report to ss or the local council if the dc has SN.

A message to her or her sister perhaps

Hello I am XX I appreciate you don't know me, may have been told all sorts of things about me but please, for your own sake, do a Claire's Law request on him.

Then just step back. You can't force her to believe you, distrust him etc.

Don't contact her. She won't listen.
Don't encourage a man who neglected your children and abused you into your children's lives! Of wants to fuck off into the sunset let him, support your children through their emotions but Christ why would you want him around them?

Ok as for why he was allowed contact firstly the threats and non nil against me were after 6 months from splitting up. Also his whole family who knows what he’s like have backed him entirely and made it clear if I stopped contact they would persue it via the courts and a contact centre. I didn’t want any of that for any of the parties involved. I wanted to keep an amicable relationship . I also never ever wanted it said in his version to them later that I was this bitch who stopped him seeing them. He always has to be the victim so trust me he would have done that. A lot of people including solicitor at the time said it takes a lot for a court to not allow contact and as he had never harmed any of the children or threatened to and its his issues with me that he would be allowed contact. A lot of people also said with a man like him give him enough time and enough rope and he will hang himself with it. Time has shown me to be reasonable calm and composed and him to be unreliable and a shit father without any blame being laid at my feet

I also don’t contact him now or chase him to see them. He’s not seen them in 6 weeks or spoken to them oh the phone. He’s sent eldest a few texts on two occasions that’s it. If he asks to see them and it’s convenient for our plans then he can. If one of the kids doesn’t want to see him they don’t have to. If they want to go I don’t stand in their way.

Sorry also worried if she applies under Claire’s law nothing will show up for some reason. Can’t shake this feeling that somehow nothing will have stuck and it won’t be on any record anywhere now

Anonymous Claires Law tip offs to anyone who knows her. Might not pique anyone's interest immediately but once the initial facade wears off it's likely it'll be in the back of their minds.

Don't put anything traceable back to you. You can guarantee if he's been that much of a cunt to you, other people would also have a vested interest in keeping him away from another woman. You have absolutely got to keep yourself and your DC safe regardless of what other people do. You can tip off but please don't endanger yourself whilst doing so.

Contact SS and Clare's law do not contact her directly I'd fear it will end badly for you.
I often think about my violent ex's partner he was a total psychopath they married she is 18 years his junior, I've no doubt she and the DC live a terrifying life after we split there was a long history of younger women beaten by him.
No one would warn me out of fear.

I agree with PPs anonymous tip off to sister to look at Claire's Law. It's up to them what they do with the information or wether they follow it up.

Contact the sister anonymously telling her to encourage her sister to do a Clairs law request. Don't put your name to anything to try and limit any comeback.

Ok will go the route of the sister. If it were my sister I would be concerned at a man moving in after 8 months when you met during a lockdown . I cannot believe more isn’t being asked about his lack of contact with his children. Unless she’s not that bothered 😕

The only reason I would advise not to tell her would be out of concern for your own safety.

I find it interesting how many women on here would tell someone’s wife if they were having an affair but wouldn’t want to tell someone’s partner if the ex was violent and they were potentialy in danger. The latter is by far the worst, and she has the right to know and to be able to keep herself safe.

At least if she doesn’t want to hear it it will likely put some doubt in her head and she may well give it some thought, and once they have their first argument and he shows his true colours she is unlikely to stick around because she’s been warned what he’s like, she doesn’t have to stick around for the next time, and the time after that.

So yes, if you can do it safely I would tell her.

I cannot believe more isn’t being asked about his lack of contact with his children.

He will have preempted this. He will have explained that you're keeping them away, but if he takes you to court you'll move away. These men are sneaky little bastards.

Please, whatever you do, make sure you're safe.

I think the risks are too great that it could have repercussions on you.

Painful though it is thinking something might happen to her I don’t think you should get involved.

You went to the police at the time which was the right thing to do. You can’t spend the rest of your life warning every woman he meets. You can’t save the world. The risks are too high for you. Horrible situation though sorry.

OTOH there is no right or wrong answer. All actions/ non actions have consequences. We all have to live with those consequences either way. It’s just a case of which consequences are more liveable with and which are not.

@Givemedonuts

Ok will go the route of the sister. If it were my sister I would be concerned at a man moving in after 8 months when you met during a lockdown . I cannot believe more isn’t being asked about his lack of contact with his children. Unless she’s not that bothered 😕

It will be your fault, the mental ex keeping my kids off me trope.

I think telling the sister is a reasonable idea but do be prepared that this will get back to him and he will retaliate. Are you getting any support IRL? Have you done the Freedom programme?

I understand why you want to tell her and your intentions are noble but you need to protect yourself. If you must do something, do it anonymously.

Clares law

Please put his name on the list

If she / someone she loves looks for info about him... they'll find it.

Plus the police will discretely go to her I think and ask if she wants Claire's law info.

Is it worth phoning 101 and just asking for advice?

Op
Don’t entangle yourself in this.

And I know you have previously asked him to have the children due to childcare issues, but given the history - I would avoid that going forward at all costs

She won't believe you even with proof. Chances are he's loved bombed her into submission so she won't hear a bad word about him. He will have already painted you as a mental ex keeping him from his kids, and if you do contact her he'll say 'see she's obsessed, she's jealous she wants to split us up' or something similar. I know this as I've been the one not to believe a previous ex when she told me my boyfriend at the time was abusive. I also thought that even if he was then maybe it won't happen with me. Yeah right, of course it did with knobs on. It's shit OP but his current partner will see his true colours eventually.